brook 2.0

this post wont be a lovely quote and picture,
nor will it be lovely.
it wont be my thoughts on life and how i feel about love;
it will paint a (long) picture of my life since january.


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i had been feeling unsettled at my job for a while when this last november rolled along. several things lead to my sentiments including: dishonesty with the ALA leadership, some bossy co-workers, and frankly being overworked and underpaid didn't help the situation. november 9th (i remember because it was my mom's birthday) rolled in, and i stumbled across an incredible opportunity as a country director with HELP international. the applications were due that day at 5pm, and needless to say, i didn't work one second while at work trying to get the extensive application in. one thing lead to another, and i got the second group interview that consisted of rigorous training and discussions over a weekend-long retreat situation. january came and went, and i found out i got the job. i was going to work overseas in belize, and then i got moved to el salvador, but anyone who knows me there are two things that make me burn in life: traveling and humanitarian projects. it's my calling in life. i'm thoroughly addicted, and this project gave me the three things i wanted: out of my job, out of the country, and into poverty.


well, after a few trainings, i realized it wasn't what i was supposed to do for one reason or another. i wanted nothing more than to do it, but had the distinct impression that something terrible would happen if i were to go. reluctantly (seriously, i bawled for a week straight), i called the organization up to let them know i had to step down. understandably, they were upset, but it was the best for me. luckily, i hadn't told my current bosses about the job, and everything at work went along unscathed. 


v-day came, and i had a strong feeling that i needed to go to chile, and soon. after a day or two of mulling it over, i bought a ticket for the second week in march. the earthquake in haiti happened. then the huge earthquake in chile happened the first week in march. i was devastated, panicked, amazed, grateful, and knew without a doubt when that happened that there is a God watching over all of us. the day before i was to leave the united states, the santiago airport opened for international flights, and i made my way down to a whole country in shock. 


needless to say, it was one of the most emotionally draining trips i've ever experienced. however, it shaped me in says i could never even begin to describe to anyone, nor would i want to because of how personal it was. it was beautiful, magnificent, and it seared my most personal being. it was what was the best for me.


thankfully april came without too much trauma (i don't think i could have taken anything else at that time), although a great change in my life: i joined in with an incredible company and business, and decided to take the opportunity down to south america. may passed with only one huge hiccup: the burning desire to quit my job.


the more i thought about it, the more i realized they were getting away with some seriously dishonest practices, and i didn't want to be a part of it. i was also quickly becoming burnt out, and felt that i would be taken care of if i quit. i decided to apply to two graduate schools last minute (thankfully, i had already taken the GRE in december). i applied, and got accepted to both. i got what i wanted: the ticket out of utah and my job. it was the best for me.


june: i went to talk to one of my bosses to tell her i was quitting, and she offered a counter proposal with everything that would ease the problems that i was having with my job. i was happy with it, and decided to defer my two acceptances for another year so i could save, and gain more experience. it needed to go through several approval processes, and she would inform me in the coming months before the end of the current contract (aug 31st). it was my answer. it was the best thing for me. not a week later, i found out that i almost lost someone that means the world to me, and i spiraled into a mini melt-down.


july came and went. august came, and no word about the job, until the middle of the month. things didn't turn out the way they had been discussed, a few things went down, and before i knew it (after politely declining and asking the job to remain as-is), i was without a job (the details are sticky and complicated). i had 15 days until i was going to be: jobless and homeless (not to mention familyless--they're in california & boyless--that's another story for another time). 


at this point in time, i was doing a really good job at feeling extremely sorry for myself and my series of circumstances over the last few months. i had completely shunned my emotional support, and had slowly started to become someone that i never was: unhappy. i had had some difficult things happen to me throughout my life that shaped me drastically and threw me into a completely direction. i had had serious heartache in my life. i had had defining moments, but nothing like this all at once, for 8 months in a row.


then i learned something: i am nothing without adversity, and my adversity is nothing if i do it by myself. i feel like i've turned into a brook 2.0 after peeling off several crusty onion layers of pride....


i'm happy to report that i have a temporary place to live, and i've found an incredible blessing of a job. i am not suddenly happy, but i am more than anything hopeful for the future. i know that each of those things that happened were because they have changed my life deeper and more profoundly than i could ever change my own life. 


and that's enough for tonight.
xoxo