soul blossoms and such.

hey guys.

so this is me, right now--sitting in a coffee shop loving life. sure it's not easy right now--i have zero direction as far as where i'm going (no job ideas/offers, i could move to any city, work for just about anyone, and i'm certainly not dating anyone which always brings with a sense of anxiety for some ridiculous reason), and sometimes that's really overwhelming.

but today, instead of being overwhelmed, my soul is shining right out of my eyeballs (see picture). why?? because marcel proust said: 

“let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” that's why.

so let me count the ways in which i have soul blossoms--soul peonies, gerbera daisies, daffodils, and soul sunflowers....

1. amazing parents who support me, cry with me, send me snail mail cards with surprises, emails with endless love notes, encouragement, they pray for me and fast for me, and they make me feel like i can do anything i want.

2. old friends. a friend who brought me my favorite cupcake when she picked me up from the airport. talking with old friends on swings about life and things that are hard and put your mind in SPANX that you want to break out of...and things that are enlightening and invigorating. you know who you are.

3. new friends. new friends who have been to India and want to eat Indian food, and new friends who are interested in the same things and energize me to continue to pursue my dreams because she is pursuing her dreams!

4. and the guy at the coffee shop that sings so loudly and off-key to CCR and pink floyd. and does adorable dance moves while he's sweeping to some indie band i've never heard of. and brought me over a free drink because i've been here for hours and i told him i couldn't afford anything.

turns out, that my gratitude has been enlightening, soul-filling, and more than anything has brought me hope. melody beattie, you nailed it, whoever you are:

"gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

BECAUSE WE'RE HAPPYYYYY: on making tough decisions.

this post comes from two spaces in my brain, venn diagraming like crazy.

space #1: 

today is the UN's national day of happiness!! click on that link, and go through each of the homemade "happy" videos. i laughed/smiled for an entire hour straight. plus, minions and pharrell are taking over my news feed and i'm not mad at that.

space #2:

i've come across another transitional period in my life where big decisions are being made. i'm talking rest-of-my-life decisions. those huge almost-paralyzing ones where you fear one step in the wrong direction will catapult you into the depths of unhappiness for the next 65 years. okay, not that bad, but we've all been there. and no, i'm not getting married.

so, as i've been searching desperately for answers in just about any place i can find, i was reminded kindly and gently about the love and power of our creator. turns out, everyone is so concerned about making "the right decision." we've been trained and cultivated to look for heart burn and enlightenment (vs 8, 9) and that's often confusing. we sit and wait for those two magical feelings to take over our consciousness. sure, that is how it works sometimes, and there are the privileged few who experience that every single time.

but here's my problem. i'm proactive, and believe in creating perpetual forward movement in my life. elder scott (in the best talk ever on this subject) taught us that we need to make educated decisions, and that if they're wrong as we progress forward, we will know. doors of opportunity will be slammed shut in our face, and we can go back to the drawing board.

here's where the venn diagram comes in. the beautiful space where happiness, true joy, and making decisions coincide to create giant glittery glowing spider strings that lead us to the direction our souls call us--and ultimately in the direction God wants us to go, where we could make the biggest contribution.

i believe we have a creator who loves us dearly and wants nothing more than for us to be happy in this life. thus, these set of scriptures have become my guidance and direction when making decisions: 

 12 And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit. 

 13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; 

 14 And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.

i believe that for the most part--whatever it is we are seeking an answer for (majors, future spouses, careers, kids, where to live, which Target sandals to buy, etc.)--that if it fills our soul with joy, if it makes our wheels turn, if it keeps us thinking, excited, if it's something that makes you want to do good and be good, and we totally believe that we will receive an answer, then this is our answer! i mean, ultimately, doesn't it fit the previous criteria of the heart and the mind working together at the same time??

so, what's the take away? find those things that make you happy and enlighten you. be a chaser of light, and soon enough you'll find your answers and what you've been looking for. meanwhile, i'll be taking my own advice and let you know how it goes.

here we go!

ps on a totally unrelated note, i started a 

super silly tumblr with some doodles. check it out.

this is the day i write my manifesto.

this is the day i write my manifesto. the day that i promise myself to become more okay with departures, and welcoming of new souls into my life. this is the day that i will start becoming good at love--that i remember love is something i need to practice and nurture. to remember that i can't dull the pain, and expect to feel the freedom that love brings. because i know when i mute one feeling, i silence them all.

i will become more willing to embrace situations with no guarantees. to remember that i am grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means that i am alive! to be determined to do something that makes my palms sweaty, makes my voice shake, makes it hard to breathe, and makes my chest tighten--every day. to become comfortable with things that scare me. i want to embrace adventure, to seek the ever-changing horizon, but never to become reckless.

i want to rewrite my narrative, and not allow false messages to dictate my worth. i want courage to lace my feet, that they take me down correct paths more and more frequently, and more intuitively.

i want to allow my eyes to twinkle at new discoveries,

and not be too proud for amazement.

i want each body part to know and understand its unique worth, and it's integral part in making the rest of my body work; my eyes to know that even though they don't look or function like a nose, it doesn't make them bad, but different and irreplaceable. 

i want to love all of these things in myself, so i can more fully love them in others.

i don't want to hide from settling into pain--it is a natural part of life. instead, i will give pain permission to be a sign, reminding me that with pain comes beauty.

last of all, knowing that sometimes i will fall short, but remembering i am an individual capable of more than i've ever imagined. to do this all with grace and humility. to allow myself to laugh so hard and so often, that someday my face will be a testament to the beauty of life through my skin, wrinkled with memories of growth, heartache, and joy. this is my symphony.

on the moment you forget you're boiling an egg, and it pops.

i've been having a crisis as of late. not quarter-life. i already passed that one, with vagaries of life leading me to my current situation in arizona. now i'm having (was having) just an i'm-not-sure-who-i-am-anymore crisis. and let me tell you this: when you look for truth (read: pray for truth), be ready for the answers to accost you from all sides, no matter how contumaciously you fight to be independent, and individual. turns out you can still be independent and individual, and ask for help.

i was finding myself wondering who i was. it seems quite silly to talk about it in past tense, when this past tense was really recent--like two weeks ago. ANYWAY, why was i going down a path that had suddenly taken it's own life? why wasn't i doing the things that i loved to do anymore? i realized i hadn't: danced, played field hockey, learned a new non-church piano piece, read a fun book, painted or drawn, or really created anything in years! at one point in time, all of these things had once been part of my identity.(does anybody watch new girl? you know a few episodes ago when Winston's like...every decision in my life was made for me! they gave me a basketball when i was born! well, i was kind of feeling like that all of a sudden).

suddenly, serious anxiety took over my consciousness, and earnest prayer was the only way i knew how to find answers when the following series of events changed my life forever:

.5 this only gets a half bullet point because it doesn't really count, but was sort of the moment my wheels started turning. so, i watched the notebook and bawled my face off. i mean, i had liquids running from all over my face. but you know she discovers that she doesn't paint anymore, and then decides to go with noah? well it got me thinking about the list i created above. i didn't do the things that i loved anymore, the things that got my heart pumping! i mean, don't get me wrong, i love going to school and learning, but it's just not the same. okay, read on.

1. i read this discourse on resolutions and regrets for a discussion group. it reminded me that we are majestic, that we have godly heritage, and that we "arrive in this world...'trailing clouds of glory' from the premortal sphere." digest that for a second. the talk also reminded me that "we are capable of so much more. for that, good intentions are not enough. we must do."

1.5 i stumbled across the picture above. another small seemingly insignificant event.

2. i then attended an inspired conference for thousands of individuals. in the opening remarks, sheri dew (a woman i esteem and admire), was very raw and honest with us. her plenary guided us through some key events in her life where she was either lost, put in a difficult and stressful situation, or is still experiencing painful things outside of her control. and yet, with power and wisdom, she told us this: "when you know who you are, it changes you. figure out who you are, and it'll change your behavior. it'll change what you do, what you wear, who you date, who you're friends with, the way you treat your family, and the way you treat yourself."

3. the next day in the same conference, i had the opportunity to listen to stephanie nielson. heartbreak oozed out of her quivering voice as she told us a first-hand account of a tragic and painful plane crash she experienced. most shockingly to me, however, were the feelings of despair and depression she shared with us. her most intimate feelings when waking up from a 3.5 month coma after burning 85% of her body, were those of wanting to once again fulfill the measure of her role as a mother and wife. she longed to put baby carrots in her children's school lunches. she missed the fact that her dog would dig through the trash and eat up dirty diapers--and subsequently she would have to bend over, and clean it all up. she missed being able to care for her husband, and the dexterity and usefulness of her extremities. she told us that everything that was once her identity was completely stripped from her, even her physical appearance. it took her months to have the desire to live again. it took until she finally felt she knew who she was again--a mother, a wife, and a beautiful daughter of God.

4. alex boye (link to his hilarious music video), the biggest ball of energy you will ever get the privilege of knowing, also gave a stirring break-out session in which at the very end he exclaimed, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!" i thought to myself, what do i really know about myself? the rest of the day was quite a blur as i continued to write in a stream of consciousness the things that i knew to be true about brook dorff. it's a great exercise in gratitude, self-awareness, and potential!

5. i learned about the principle of belongingness (i've linked the oh-so-scientific source of wikipedia, but it's basic and will get the gist across. if you want to know more, ask me. i'll send you oodles of long, intense, and incredibly interesting articles). but the boiled down version is this: humans need to belong, and they need to know they are part of something greater. this creates motivation--motivation to be better, to not let others and ourselves down, and overall true joy and happiness.

and that was the moment for me. you know when you forget about your eggs boiling on the stove? it's been about an hour and you've been a multi-tasking fiend when all of a sudden you hear a giant inexplicable explosion and you take cover because you think someone is shooting at you? and almost at the same instant you duck, the lightbulb goes off: it's the egg you started to boil about an hour ago...

(from here)

by the time i read about belongingness, discouragement and unproductive emotions that lead to confusion and anxiety had basically all boiled away. i popped (like the boiling egg), and realized the giant thread in this all. that life's vicissitudes will not necessarily disappear entirely, but become much less daunting when we know: where we came from, that we belong, have individual purpose, and a unique set of gifts.

so there you have it. the longest blog post you'll read in a long time.

game on, life.

xoxo, with purpose,
brookie

unblock me.

you know those block games? the ones where you have to get the little red thing out the other side by moving all the other ones? it's so frustrating sometimes! you think all you have to do is swoosh, swipey, swoosh and you're there. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO... is keep pushing the little red guy forward as more space becomes available. wham, bam. but instead, you have to move the little red block backwards first in order to get it out the other side. moving backwards clears up the path. it's totally counterintuitive, and you think you're doing it wrong, and then all of a sudden the path opens up, and you feel like you've won the lottery!

well, sometimes i feel life is similar. i can often see the path, the end goal. there are other times i can't really see the end goal, but i know what i want and what makes me the happiest. i know what gives me spring to my baby steps. and maybe it's not getting out of a mess or juggling act (like it is in unblock me), but just moving forward period. i mean, word on the street is that you're either moving forwards or you're moving backwards. no in between.

but here's my question: how do you know the difference between forward and backwards? sometimes i think that i allow myself to prescribe to false messages of progression. it appears you're moving backwards (much like the blocks), but really you have to go through particular experiences and what appear to be "set-backs" in order to get to your end goal.

there are just things in every phase of life that are difficult. i've gone from having so many people i knew i could rely on, people ready and willing to hug me, to going weeks without doing anything with anyone (when i first moved to az). i've had friends that have moved back in with parents, packed their bags and called unfamiliar cities their new homes, lost or left jobs, had the courage to start or leave relationships, and so many more things! often the sentiment is that they're (we're) moving backwards, starting over, or that they feel like they're regressing. but really, i've come to realize that the step back is really just a step forward. it seems you're going back for a second (or month or year), but really in the end it was something to be felt, understood, and experienced to finally get us through to the other side of the path.

so here's the take away. don't be so hard on yourself. sometimes your idea of moving backwards just needs a little perspective, a step back to see the entire puzzle. and remember: some of us have to move and wiggle a little more to get out on the other side, but in the end, we always get there.

someone knew you'd be traveling that way...

here i am, back from blogging oblivion. i don't know how long this will last, and it may be a one-time random occurrence. who knows.

yesterday, i was desperately trying to describe how i am feeling right now in this moment of my life to my best friend. the only analogy i came up with was i felt like i was getting my eye exam done. you know how sometimes while they're flipping heaven-knows-what in that magical chair of theirs, you know without a doubt which prescription or which option will give you the most clarity?? they're like, this one or this one? and you know for SURE it's the first one that's better. but then other times, i sit there, and they have to do it a couple times for me, and i think--IS THIS  A TRICK QUESTION? i get all confused, and second-guess myself, and make a choice in haste because i feel like the answer should be obvious but it really isn't. they always give me the cop out by saying, "...or about the same?" i mean, what does that even mean?!?! if they're about the same, why are you giving me two options??? but then i still have no solid answer. and the worst part is this: that i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i wont be able to see for the next year or two until my next appointment!

or maybe i'm the only looney person who thinks that much about eye appointments. but i take everything i do mostly seriously, and it for reals gives me anxiety. that being said, i feel like right now that's where i'm at! i feel like so many things have been so incredibly clear to me: move to arizona, do the masters' program, live here, go to india, do this, do that. there are so many moments that have been crystal clear. mind you, some clarity has come just in the knick (i actually don't know which kind of nick should be put here so i'm putting both) of time--like moving to arizona in august of 2011 to start only a few days later. but still, they were at one point or another, absolute moments of vision and clarity. but then, it seems like lately, i'm at the end of my eye exam when it starts to get hard, and mucky, and it's all starting to look the same. i'm second-guessing my previous decisions (despite at one point knowing they were what i needed to do), and i'm certainly in the dark as to where i should go next.

well, all of this was swirling around in my head the last week or two, when yesterday, i was looking for some glitter pens (what, you don't use those anymore?! i sure do!). i found this gem hiding in my folder of papers, pictures, and magazine pages i've collected since i was about 12:

which seemed to be nothing but heaven-sent. and then, i decided to "randomly" read one of my top three favorite BYU speeches of all time by elder gong (go read it!!), because i hadn't read it for a while, and there was the clarity all over again, explaining the unexplained:

"Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Teaches President Boyd K. Packer:

Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew that you would be traveling that way. [“Spiritual Crocodiles,” Ensign, May 1976, 31]

On occasion, in unexpected places, I have been grateful—as you have been—to find such provisions."

there was my own personal provision that had been set in the most unexpected place and time waiting for me to discover it. it was the perfect "good game" pat on my butt to help me keep going, and even make decisions about my future.

basically what i'm trying to say is this: keep at it. don't get discouraged. as a matter of fact, have courage, and stand by 1) the feelings you've had (even if they don't make sense, or didn't play out the way you thought they would in your head), and the 2) direction you feel you've been given. because when you do, you'll all of a sudden find those provisions, those little bread crumbs saying you're doing just fine, and you'll have that vision you've been seeking become clear all over again.

alright, that's all folks. love you all.

xoxo, brookie

departures and insights

one of the smiles i will miss the most...

here i sit, half a world away from my dear india. to be honest, i never thought this day would happen and now that it's here, i wish it weren't.

on the flight home, i watched a film, the best exotic marigold hotel. it was beautiful, hilarious, and one of the more accurate descriptions of india i've found. my favorite quote from there was when one of the characters says:

"can there be anywhere else in the world that is such an assault on the senses? those who know the country well just go about their business. but nothing prepares the uninitiated for this riot of noise and color--for the heat, the motion. the perpetual teeming crowds...initially you're overwhelmed. but gradually you realize it's like a wave. resist and you'll be knocked over. dive into it, and you'll swim out on the other side."

now, i am utterly alone sitting in an insipid airport with one or two stragglers walking past me about every 20 minutes--if i'm lucky. the singular, banal noise is the elevator music softly buzzing, with no symbiosis of life, traffic, animals, gabbar singh streaming from three separate cell phones, and someone yelling "madame" to get my attention. all the passersby wear neutrals and minimal adornments, and i find myself absolutely bored and heartbroken. i keep thinking of all the people who made me promise i wouldn't forget them. and the people who said they'd sell everything they had to help us come back. the only thing that seems to assuage my unexplainable vulnerability and anxiety is the thought of going back to india soon, but even that is uncertain. in life i've learn to expect the unexpected.

...but i digress. i've already written a sappy love note to india. so instead, i'm going to make a running list of what the last week has taught me through my ridiculous bout with the indian government and trying to leave the country. maybe someday i'll have the courage to write a little about how india overall has changed me....but at this point, it's not likely.

so here, it is, ladies and gentlemen--what this last week (read: trying to escape india!) has taught me:

1. first and foremost, i've learned that i relate more easily to a couple in their sixties than most people my age. i could have stayed up all night talking to the sweet welfare missionaries about: GPS systems and geocaching, astrology and telescopes, genealogy, geeking out about tandem bikes, talking about camping and wilderness survival, and so many other way more interesting things. i have so much to learn from those with more experience and wisdom, including my wonderful parents. which leads me to....
2. my parents are beautiful, wonderful, wise, loving people who would do anything for me. what a blessing i have in my life, when i've seen and met those whose parents don't even want them. mine stayed up all night praying for me, no matter what time it was, and updating individuals at 4 in the morning who i'm sure really didn't care as much as they did. these guys can tell from my "hello" if i'm happy or on the verge of hysterics. which leads me to....(man i'm good at these transitions!)
3. i've learned that as much as i think i'm in control of my emotions, and i make the "sour face" until my face turns blue, i burst out crying at wildly inappropriate times, and i burst out laughing at equally inappropriate times. basically i'm 5 years old and 65 years old at the same time.
4. i've learned that there is power in voices. voices that are raised up to heaven in my (and others') behalf, voices that call and comfort me, voices who have a meaningful conversation with me, voices who obstreperously contacted the FRRO and west marredpally police incessantly, and voices who softly, kindly, and consistently told me it'd all be okay, that they love me, to please come back to india, and that, despite their beliefs, asked that "God be with me."
5. i've learned that we are always watched over, and that there is a plan for us. in the height of my troubles, there was a lot of sitting and waiting. i decided to start preparing for my talk i'll be giving at home about india, and read one thing that lead to another and another and another which eventually lead me to a page in the scriptures about courage. i couldn't help but feel all at once that i was not alone as i read a compilation of every scripture relating to courage:

be not afraid...God is with thee

be strong and of a good courage

be thou strong and very courageous

she was steadfastly minded to go

let no man's heart fail...thy servant will go and fight

be ye valiant

deal courageously and the Lord shall be with the good

he thanked God, and took courage

God hath not given us the spirit of fear

his heart began to take courage

never had i seen so great courage

courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory

i'm grateful beyond understanding for india, and hope to return there as soon as possible. here's hoping to jumping right back into "real life" here in the states, so i can quickly be cured of my broken-heartedness and perceivable boredom of the senses. 

one of the more popular sayings in india is:

"everything will be alright in the end.

and if it's not alright, it's not the end."

xo,

brookie

"for as long as we have voices..."

“in the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. in the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely,

for as long as we have voices.” 

-elizabeth gilbert

in the last four weeks (and quite frankly, the whole summer), i have been the incredulous and truly awestruck recipient of the most wonderful service, support, love, and friendship from so many people. i am not particularly known for being short on words, but i honestly fall short when it comes to my ability to express my wonder and the depth of my gratitude for the countless ways that numberless individuals have made me feel so thoroughly loved these last few weeks, both in my indian adventure, and more specifically the bore-well project (for those of you who don't know, we successfully met our funding goal).

with giant glittery tears falling around me, i'd like, for as long as i have my voice, to sing my sincere thanks. it's been a blessing, and i almost feel out of place being able to witness both sides of the beautiful tapestry of interconnectedness and love--those all around the world who hold pieces of my heart, those whose lives did not interweave with mine until now, and the 10,000 individuals who we are serving, who have remarkably done more than their share of the work but are still so grateful. i feel privileged to know the hearts and souls who have come together to contribute, support our team, share the word, listen to my beating heart as i struggled, worried, and processed, all equally as important. and i feel almost as if i don't deserve the outstanding privilege to be able to see first-hand the impact that it will make. 

to those who i know personally:

it has been said that, "we can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." you are all my treasures, and i have never felt more alive. 

i recognize you each have your own burdens, heartache, and difficulties. your selflessness and kindness overwhelms and humbles me. 

this experience has been nothing short of divine and magical, and for that, i will be forever grateful. 

thank you from our team, thank you from our partner/community members, and thank you from the bottom of my squishy little red-headed, dance-loving, indian-smelling, half-chilean heart.

much love from india,

brookie

The Hydraband!

So, sometimes I write really sentimental, serious posts, like this one I did for our team blog. Other times, despite the long work days (or maybe because of the long work days--the hot sun does a number on ya sometimes!) dealing with serious, heart-wrenching development work our team likes to have fun.

We have started a band that does everything from our own covers, to music videos. Our latest is quite the masterpiece, and edited by yours truly. I'm hoping this will get me on the ellen show someday....Please enjoy our latest here:


and our older number one hits here:


and here:

all prayers go to heaven

prayers tied on a tree at a temple in hampi, india
each prayer is left there to be remembered by all those who see it
(photo credit: katrina nelson)

i took a trauma class this last semester in my grad program, and we spent a long time talking about a term we coined: "trauma olympics."

basically, it explains the phenomenon of some traumas or pains being greater than others. people believe that their own pain is infinitely worse than someone else's so why are they complaining? or the complete opposite response of which i am more familiar--individuals thinking that their pain is nothing compared to anothers' so they have no reason to be sad or to complain.

while i've been here in india i have been humbled by people's stories and hardships. i receive strength daily from the resilient people who surround me. some people i will never see again, however the five minutes in which they blessed and enriched my life will never be something i forget. either i can't imagine the pain they've experienced, the injustice they've encountered, or life obstacles i couldn't even begin to pretend to understand.

see, the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable, and even sad, is when i have a friend or family member who starts an email or phone conversation with: "i know it's not as bad as what you've seen in india, but..." or "i've had a hard week, but i guess i shouldn't complain because it's not as hard as the people you see in india," etc.

i guess what i've realized here in india is that the trauma olympics make less and less sense to me. i share my experiences so that people who may want to read about them will be motivated to change and maybe experience gratitude and a slew of other emotions; however, i don't want those same individuals to undermine their own suffering and pain. i want people to realize that their own trauma, tears shed, and heartache are just as real as another's.

we all have times in our life when we need a little lifting. everyone can probably think of one aspect of their life that can use some extra prayers whether it be death, trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, mending relationships, schooling, making big decisions, needing help to become more social, or whatever physical ailment may at one point or another bother us. we all have prayers that need to be sent to heaven. please recognize that even if sometimes you may feel small or insignificant, i want you all to know that they all get to the same place at the same speed. all prayers go to heaven (or whatever you believe), and everyone needs love.

xo

prayer rags on a tree in hampi, india...
people leave them for specific purposes and prayers that need to be remembered and heard
(photo credit: katrina nelson on my team)

first thing i'll eat in the US

so we spend quite a bit of time here in india discussing the foods we miss the most. i'd even go as far as saying 97% of our non-project related discussions revolve around this topic....the other percentage of time is spent discussing our cool pictures we'll take (exhibit a)

but i digress.....

we've talked about...
1. which food is the first one we'll have the second we get off the plane
2. if you had to be on a deserted island with only one food for the rest of your life what would it be
3. which breakfast foods we miss the most
4. which fruits/veggies we miss the most
5. which things we can live without
and a number of other things...which leads me to my next point.

i'll tell you the things i miss the most:

1. CHEESE. you have no idea what a wonderful thing cheese is (or maybe you do!!). i certainly did when i was in the US but man i have never felt this way about cheese as i do now. what i'd kill for a slice of cheddar, havarti, goat, pepper jack, or fresh mozzarella ball.
2. avocados. 'nuff said.
3. hummus.
4. strawberries. blueberries. raspberries. blackberries. cherries.
5. a fresh, gigantic, amazing salad.
6. a nice piece of fluffy bread.
7. chocolate-covered cinnamon bears, and dark chocolate and sea salt covered almonds from trader joe's.
8. slurpees.
9. yogurtland (see previous post)

not sure why you need to know this about me, but please eat a giant block of cheese in my honor.
...but if you do, don't tell me about it, k?

xoxo

the fro-yo level

so my cousin sent me this quote because it reminded her of me:

"So needless to say, this is not activity J. Law and I would be doing if/when we became friends. We’d probably just remain on the fro-yo level for a long time.

You know the fro-yo level. The person you call to get fro-yo with you when you feel too ashamed to go alone — yet, crave it so badly that you can’t stand to live another moment with that cold self-serve fro-yo handle in your hand. If you know what I’m talking about, you KNOW what I’m talking about."

apparently it's someone talking about some celebrity picture. but the point is this: i totally have the fro-yo level. although i'm pretty sure i'm at the fro-yo level with every human. the more i thought about it, the more i realized i have a hierarchy of individuals i call on the fro-yo level, and i'd like to expound on this idea.

ladies and gentlemen, i would like to introduce to you the fro-yo level hierarchy of love:

1. the person to call first: roommate. here's the thing. you're not fooling your roommate about your work out or diet plans. they know every single detail usually, and is the most willing to "take one for the team." plus roommates are most easily coerced if you say stuff like "i'll drive" (or if you have any sort of income--aka not me--things like "i'll pay!").

all people hereafter are back-up plans:

2. the friend having a really terrible day. yes, i realize this is terribly unfair, and you am taking full advantage of their vulnerable situation and state. however, they usually always say yes and i promise fro-yo solves all problems.
3. casual school friends/co-workers. these individuals can also be easily coerced by saying "let's swing by after class/work/during lunch/take a break," etc. you don't have to talk about deep things and you're both happy. you can easily fool them into thinking you're normally healthy but this one time you want to splurge.
4. love interest you feel lukewarm about. fro-yo is a good testing ground. which toppings do they get? do they pay? conversations could easily swing from light and casual, to deep and monumental.
5. love interest you know likes you but you're not interested. again, i'm aware of taking advantage of situations. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get some fro-yo.

**the last resort**

6. last but not least: parents/family/bffs (if they're not 1 or 2). here's the thing about this one--play your cards right. you're not fooling anyone in this category about your diet/exercise plans, and they will make you feel bad about every single bite you take!!!! but again, if you must do this, then you must do this!

well, that's that. got we got that cleared up, and next time you swing by yogurtland or your neighborhood fro-yo place, just remember:

who you gonna call??

the "green bean"

one of the first few weeks here in india, i had the chance to celebrate my birthday.

as part of the birthday celebration, we went to a beautifully displayed buffet of veg and non-veg food. i was elated beyond my wildest dreams when to my surprise i saw a spread of freshly cut vegetables! i grabbed a plate full of carrots, cucumbers, red peppers, and what i thought was green beans. when i joyously brought the plate back to my table, i took a giant bite out of the green beans, and to my dismay my mouth suddenly self-combusted. okay not really, but my lips swelled, and i started sweating from every possible orifice on my face. 

turns out, the "green bean" was a spicy spicy green pepper. i almost died on my 26th birthday, but i learned a valuable lesson...don't judge a book by it's cover!

no, but in all reality, i didn't really learn a lesson that night except how to make my mouth not so hot--yogurt and sugar does the trick. the lesson i was to learn from that singular experience came several weeks later in the form of a church talk on june 24th. what i learned was this:

when we are eating sweet fruits (like mangos and pineapples) we enjoy how they taste. however, when we partake of things that are bitter, spicy, and overpowering (GREEN PEPPERS), we can no longer taste the sweet fruit. the woman telling this analogy related those to embittered sentiments, frustration, jealousy, impatience, etc. when we are experiencing these feelings it's difficult to see the good and to continue to live a "sweet life."

this woman at church taught me such a simple, yet powerful lesson. honestly, when i ate that chili pepper, i could think of no other things. i couldn't think about the delicious coconut rice or sweet mago lassi i had just had--all i could think about was how to make my whole body not go into shock and how to retain my taste buds. 

much like what she taught, it's a good reminder to keep ourselves free from things that will taint our sweetness. let's try to smile a little more, and to think more positively about those who surround us daily.

much love from india,

brookie

country hip hop dancing > hip hop > country

remember that one time i hated country music?
remember how....
whitney was the first to try to convert me, and she definitely laid out the ground work. i may have been able to recognize a rascal flatts song or two.
a few years down the road, heather did all she could to get me to love it. being from down south, she was born and raised on this musical snack. we even had a "white trash bash" where she put together a play list of her favorite most country stuff she could find.

then my dear cousin/roomie karina tried her best, but i would whine and whine when country music was on. seriously, that stuff USED to make my ears bleed.
*honorable mention goes to bronwyn


well, a few weeks ago i went to a free kellie pickler concert, and it made all the difference. this girl was gorgeous, charming, and had the cutest stories to go behind the cutest songs. that was the day i was converted to country. not only that, but i dug up my old white trash bash mix, and was playing it the other day BEFORE i went out to....wait for it....country dancing! i know, i know. i'm so proud of myself.

however, combining the best of both worlds would be ideal (watch this, you wont be disappointed):

what am i DOING

so if you're on facebook, and you're my friend, you know that i decided to take a life turn and go to graduate school. to some people, it may have seem out of the blue, but here's the story of why and how it all happened. reader's digest version, of course.

well, about a year and a half ago, i: took the GRE, got a fantastic score, decided not to apply to graduate school because i was happy with my job, then decided to apply because things were changing quickly, got accepted to a few schools, decided not to go to school because of a "promotion" at work, didn't get the promotion and lost my job, got a new job (remember THIS overly-dramatic post?? (how do you guys handle all of my drama?)), learned a lot from the new job, started getting antsy again and thinking about graduate school, decided no on graduate school*, then all of a sudden decided yes**, and left a week later.

*i had decided no for a few reasons: 
1. i wasn't sure i wanted to be in debt.
2. i wanted to make one thousand percent sure (yes, i realize this is impossible) that i wasn't running away. i didn't want to run away from unhappiness in my job, dating, social scene, weather, or anything. i wanted to be sure that the decision i was making was objective and logical, not irrational and reactional (not a word, i know). 
3. someday way down the line in my life i wanted to be married, and what i didn't want was to go into a marriage with debt, and an inability to fully live out the dream and career that graduate school would fuel and provide.


**it was the perfect timing:
1. i realized debt was so worth it. i was getting to a point where i was no longer progressing, and this was the next step to make me uncomfortable once again.
2. life was perfect. i had the perfect friends and maybe some of the best girl friends i've had in a long time, job was tolerable (although we were going to lose funding soon and work dynamics changed quickly), dating picking up speed, i loved where i lived, who i lived with, my grocery store, my pool, my apartment complex, my church, the sky, the sights and views, the things i did on the weekends, i was loving life in every single sense of the phrase.
3. i realized that somebody someday would love me for my crazy ideas and dreams and ambition. some crazy man would someday want to stick it out through my fickle dramatic stints, and that they would support me in the fuel that graduate school would provide me with to go out and change the world.

i would be lying to you if i said it was easy to just pack up and leave, especially with such little notice. it was anything but that. i had to tell my work the same day that it was my last day working there. i had to tell all of my friends and people i loved so deeply that i was leaving. i cried a lot. i also laughed at myself because once upon a time i really despised utah, and i had realized that i had made it my home for the last seven years. perhaps i learned to love it, own it, and sometimes defend it.

nonetheless, here i am in arizona. 22 days, and i am loving it here. my sweet dad (i would have been a lost wreck without him) drove my uhaul, stayed with me in a hotel until we found me a place to live, and even picked out a few husbands for me at church, haha. the place i live is charming. the city i live in is just my style. my roommate is adorbs. the people i have met and friends i have made are hilarious, amazing, and fun. the weather is perfect, but the main reason that i came for was school, and that has exceeded my expectations already. i am in my second week of classes, and already i am feeling myself expand, question, grow, and seek for more. i am realizing the things i can do to change the world around me, and the things that are happening around me to change me.

i've asked myself a few times, "what in the world am i DOING??!" i've woken up a few times in my new place wondering where in the world i am. i even sometimes think that i'm just on vacation, and i'll be back "home" before i know it. then, i realize how everything has worked out perfectly, and this is exactly where i'm supposed to be right now. this is going to be a beautiful experience for me, and i hope you are all ready for some really serious blog posts, and probably some ridiculous ones too. i kind of feel like some sort of pathogen growing in a lab. i am mutating and growing at unnatural rates, and have become immune to anything and anyone stopping me.

xoxo,
your favorite masters candidate in social justice and human rights
your favorite sun devil
brookie*

you set me on fiiiire

so, i haven't blogged for a few months now. i'm on a really great roll.


this may not be my most insightful blog post, but this is the way my mind works, and my URL is brook's thoughts on life....so here goes.

upon listening to britney spears' latest album on repeat for a few weeks now (sorry, roommate, you know who you are) i've come to one conclusion: there is one great britney spears song to document and represent ever significant event in my adult life.*


the following is my explanation. bear with me, i define my life in terms of friend groups, boys, and significant health problems. sad, i know.


1. ...baby one more time: jr. high. i shaved my legs for the first time. i had my first pretend boyfriend (don't worry mom and dad, we didn't kiss or anything--just told everyone we were boyf/gf).
2. oops i did it again: graduated jr. high, started high school, made dance team, field hockey team, and loads of other stuff.
3. toxic: graduated from HS, first real boyfriend. we were in high school love. it was cute. oh, and i went to college in a completely different state--a cold one, nonetheless.
4. slave for you: had a whirlwind dance team season, then quit. made it to CCS finals for field hockey (that's a big deal!).
5. piece of me: changed my major (this was my "stick it to the man" song), broke a few hearts after having mine smashed, took dancing seriously again in college.
6. gimme more/womanizer: second boy i ever loved....he liked dancing, and we had so much fun. dancing+fun=britney spears, naturally.
7. circus: new town (moved from provo finally!), new friends, new job, new interests.
8. ...and the latest, gasoline/set me on fire: new job, new boy interest, new outlook on life, new country to visit, new QUARTER OF A CENTURY!, new house/apartment/condo, new clothes (haha)...

in conclusion: besides her own crises (shaved head?! back-up dancer hubs, crazy kids, and over-exposures), britney has been the only thing true to me (besides my dear loyal boyfriend of a car, oh and my parents). her music has never left my side through the thick and the thin (literally). through all my boys, majors, life decisions, moves, and jobs.

britney, keep killin' it.
*adult is being defined as over 14, because this is my blog and i do what i want

relations with ships, day 3

i am juice-less for good titles today.

today's "class" was on relationships, mostly focusing on intimate ones. i soaked up every second of it because it's something i've been working on and gathering lately. gathering like people in the kalahari desert gather roots for water. i have seriously been thirsting after what i can do, who i can become, and how i can better my current relationships and ideals on love.

the format from what i learned from this lesson will be entirely scatter-brained so i will list the most excellent points, in no particular order. the first bullet will be the quote/note i took. the indented bullet beneath will be my very own thoughts. lucky you! 

1. with regard to current relationships, if you want out of one, you associate pain with staying in it. if you want in, you associate pain with leaving. relationships are about emotional associations. we don't respond to life itself. we respond to what we associate with life (or the situation). 

   a. not much i can add to this

2. relationships should be about unlimited giving and sharing. the second you start measuring what you or they've done, it becomes a transaction.

   a. this is something that i practice when dating (not in real relationships, however i haven't been in a "real" one for a long time.....but when dating, i tend to measure who invited who last. who texted last. who texted first. is it my "turn?" this for me has been hard to balance, because unfortunately we can't be too over-eager during the game phase, which stinks. i wish i could just spend time with them when i wanted to, text them if i felt like it without having to worry if i'm "being too much" or who did it last? this mentality has temporarily ruined me. because i've been in the game for so long, without this beautiful reminder, i may have gotten into a relationship and entirely forgotten that it's no about keeping tabs. it's about unlimited love, sharing, and giving.

3. no quote.

   a. he had us write a list of what we are looking for (and identifying our "musts") and what we need to be to attract that. the funny thing is that i recently went through all almost-three-hundred of my posts and created a "tag cloud" on the side for your viewing pleasure and my own sanity. as i was going through each of my posts, i ran across some gems, and these two in particular that relate to my assignments. WARNING: I CREATED THESE YEARS AGO. a letter "to my perfect man" describing him, and a funny resumé of myself. interestingly enough, the letter to my perfect man is still my perfect man, but i have some different things added, and i'm not nearly as cheesy as i was before. the resumé of myself has changed a bit as my priorities, passions, ideas, and hobbies have changed. fun to see that about myself, and good to know my ideas about who i want to end up with haven't changed with where the wind has blown me. 

   b. my one beef with the list thing: people get too stuck on it. i completely agree with him when he says that to attract what you want, you have to know what you want and what you have to become. completely agree. however, when "musts" on the list are physical traits, or ridiculously specific (like "he has to have gone to at least 23 countries and one of them has to be kenya), that is immature in my opinion. thoughts?? i used to have physical traits on my list when i was 19, but i realized with time, that as long as i was attracted to someone (sure, i have a type, but some of my favorite people i've dated haven't met my "type" at all), physical stuff can grow...

4. make a list of your "magic moments" big and small. ask yourself, "what do i love about them?" then go over the magic moments with your companion. 

   a. i LOOOOVE this point! i used to do this all the time with the last guy i dated (again, i've forgotten about this because i've been so out of relationship-practice), and i promise you it works! magic moments can be big or small--from a fleeting smile or cute text, to big important celebrations and dates remembered. 

all i can say is, this has been a wonderful reminder and refresher course. through my searching in finding and figuring out what love is,

i've learned this: love is a muscle, and a skill.

my sweet grandparents who have used the love muscle long enough...they're like love body-builders!
viña del mar, chile

if it is not exercised, it can quickly atrophy, and when used, seems to become the fountain of youth. you must practice and refine it, just as you must your body, playing the piano, or getting good at algebra, and when you do reach that point of being able to love and give freely (whether it is intimate or not), you will experience the "fountain of youth" effect. <--this was going to be a topic of one of my "love" blog posts, but i'll just leave it at that.

think about it. 

i need more heart real estate

sometimes, just sometimes, i feel as if i am so overwhelmed.
but not like stressed out, or i have too much to do or anything, that rarely happens.


i feel like my heart is overwhelmed. i feel as if i have no more physical space for any sort of emotions, and i feel like i don't have the right ideas, feelings, emotions, or words to synthesize what is going on. maybe it's not that i don't have the right ones, maybe it's just that i just have too many.


feelings take over me, and i feel like i need to make room for more to pour in. i can't take it all in, and i start these soliloquies in which i have to figure what i'm even feeling. i need to just take a deep breath, and hope that some heart real estate (HR) clears up for me to use all of my brain real estate (BR) productively.


see, the problem with my very own HR and BR, is that they often disagree. i tend to lean towards my BR because it is logical. it always makes sense, and i can count on its ever-present logic model. x always equals y. i like formulas and steps, and my precious BR has so many formulas etched into its crevasses that i could never go wrong. 


then all of a sudden my HR steps in, and introduces exceptions to all my BR has learned to understand, and my homeostatic state suddenly becomes interrupted. my poor little heart fights to be heard over the overwhelming BR, and i quickly find myself needing more room to take it all in. taking in my circumstances--understanding whether i'm feeling love or friendship; understanding if i'm happy or content; understanding that often others' opinions will diffuse my own, and i must not always listen to what others say; understanding why someone would mistake my good intention for something hurtful; understanding that it's sometimes okay to miss people so much your heart aches, and that this is all part of this glorious experience we call life.


so cheers to allowing my heart to grow, and sometimes be heard.
cheers to figuring out when it's okay for x not to equal y, and to sometimes being completely irrational.

crowd surfing life

sometimes we just have to crowd surf through a period of our lives.

i don't know if you've ever crowd surfed, but let me tell you if you haven't, everyone has to try it once. it's awesome....

but i digress. i feel lately like i've been completely crowd surfing life, my entire being upheld and pushed forward by those around me who i love, or even who i may not know. people have listened to my relentless stories and drama. random strangers have given me kind hugs and smiles and even gift cards when i've needed it the most. people have cried with me. my best friends have sent me picture text messages to cheer me up. they've sent me messages to make me feel loved. they've talked to me on the phone from: new york, DC, new jersey, california, and virginia. not to mention my parents who are beyond incredible.

okay, now this is starting to sound like an acceptance speech.

but i want you to visualize all of the people who have figuratively "held me up" and literally pushed me forward.....crowd surfing life. i've always been extremely independent, but i've realized that sometimes it's ok to not be ok. it's fine if we need to talk, and it's perfectly normal if we cry. you know why? because sometimes we're the crowd, and sometimes we're the surfer.