someone knew you'd be traveling that way...

here i am, back from blogging oblivion. i don't know how long this will last, and it may be a one-time random occurrence. who knows.

yesterday, i was desperately trying to describe how i am feeling right now in this moment of my life to my best friend. the only analogy i came up with was i felt like i was getting my eye exam done. you know how sometimes while they're flipping heaven-knows-what in that magical chair of theirs, you know without a doubt which prescription or which option will give you the most clarity?? they're like, this one or this one? and you know for SURE it's the first one that's better. but then other times, i sit there, and they have to do it a couple times for me, and i think--IS THIS  A TRICK QUESTION? i get all confused, and second-guess myself, and make a choice in haste because i feel like the answer should be obvious but it really isn't. they always give me the cop out by saying, "...or about the same?" i mean, what does that even mean?!?! if they're about the same, why are you giving me two options??? but then i still have no solid answer. and the worst part is this: that i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i wont be able to see for the next year or two until my next appointment!

or maybe i'm the only looney person who thinks that much about eye appointments. but i take everything i do mostly seriously, and it for reals gives me anxiety. that being said, i feel like right now that's where i'm at! i feel like so many things have been so incredibly clear to me: move to arizona, do the masters' program, live here, go to india, do this, do that. there are so many moments that have been crystal clear. mind you, some clarity has come just in the knick (i actually don't know which kind of nick should be put here so i'm putting both) of time--like moving to arizona in august of 2011 to start only a few days later. but still, they were at one point or another, absolute moments of vision and clarity. but then, it seems like lately, i'm at the end of my eye exam when it starts to get hard, and mucky, and it's all starting to look the same. i'm second-guessing my previous decisions (despite at one point knowing they were what i needed to do), and i'm certainly in the dark as to where i should go next.

well, all of this was swirling around in my head the last week or two, when yesterday, i was looking for some glitter pens (what, you don't use those anymore?! i sure do!). i found this gem hiding in my folder of papers, pictures, and magazine pages i've collected since i was about 12:

which seemed to be nothing but heaven-sent. and then, i decided to "randomly" read one of my top three favorite BYU speeches of all time by elder gong (go read it!!), because i hadn't read it for a while, and there was the clarity all over again, explaining the unexplained:

"Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Teaches President Boyd K. Packer:

Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew that you would be traveling that way. [“Spiritual Crocodiles,” Ensign, May 1976, 31]

On occasion, in unexpected places, I have been grateful—as you have been—to find such provisions."

there was my own personal provision that had been set in the most unexpected place and time waiting for me to discover it. it was the perfect "good game" pat on my butt to help me keep going, and even make decisions about my future.

basically what i'm trying to say is this: keep at it. don't get discouraged. as a matter of fact, have courage, and stand by 1) the feelings you've had (even if they don't make sense, or didn't play out the way you thought they would in your head), and the 2) direction you feel you've been given. because when you do, you'll all of a sudden find those provisions, those little bread crumbs saying you're doing just fine, and you'll have that vision you've been seeking become clear all over again.

alright, that's all folks. love you all.

xoxo, brookie

departures and insights

one of the smiles i will miss the most...

here i sit, half a world away from my dear india. to be honest, i never thought this day would happen and now that it's here, i wish it weren't.

on the flight home, i watched a film, the best exotic marigold hotel. it was beautiful, hilarious, and one of the more accurate descriptions of india i've found. my favorite quote from there was when one of the characters says:

"can there be anywhere else in the world that is such an assault on the senses? those who know the country well just go about their business. but nothing prepares the uninitiated for this riot of noise and color--for the heat, the motion. the perpetual teeming crowds...initially you're overwhelmed. but gradually you realize it's like a wave. resist and you'll be knocked over. dive into it, and you'll swim out on the other side."

now, i am utterly alone sitting in an insipid airport with one or two stragglers walking past me about every 20 minutes--if i'm lucky. the singular, banal noise is the elevator music softly buzzing, with no symbiosis of life, traffic, animals, gabbar singh streaming from three separate cell phones, and someone yelling "madame" to get my attention. all the passersby wear neutrals and minimal adornments, and i find myself absolutely bored and heartbroken. i keep thinking of all the people who made me promise i wouldn't forget them. and the people who said they'd sell everything they had to help us come back. the only thing that seems to assuage my unexplainable vulnerability and anxiety is the thought of going back to india soon, but even that is uncertain. in life i've learn to expect the unexpected.

...but i digress. i've already written a sappy love note to india. so instead, i'm going to make a running list of what the last week has taught me through my ridiculous bout with the indian government and trying to leave the country. maybe someday i'll have the courage to write a little about how india overall has changed me....but at this point, it's not likely.

so here, it is, ladies and gentlemen--what this last week (read: trying to escape india!) has taught me:

1. first and foremost, i've learned that i relate more easily to a couple in their sixties than most people my age. i could have stayed up all night talking to the sweet welfare missionaries about: GPS systems and geocaching, astrology and telescopes, genealogy, geeking out about tandem bikes, talking about camping and wilderness survival, and so many other way more interesting things. i have so much to learn from those with more experience and wisdom, including my wonderful parents. which leads me to....
2. my parents are beautiful, wonderful, wise, loving people who would do anything for me. what a blessing i have in my life, when i've seen and met those whose parents don't even want them. mine stayed up all night praying for me, no matter what time it was, and updating individuals at 4 in the morning who i'm sure really didn't care as much as they did. these guys can tell from my "hello" if i'm happy or on the verge of hysterics. which leads me to....(man i'm good at these transitions!)
3. i've learned that as much as i think i'm in control of my emotions, and i make the "sour face" until my face turns blue, i burst out crying at wildly inappropriate times, and i burst out laughing at equally inappropriate times. basically i'm 5 years old and 65 years old at the same time.
4. i've learned that there is power in voices. voices that are raised up to heaven in my (and others') behalf, voices that call and comfort me, voices who have a meaningful conversation with me, voices who obstreperously contacted the FRRO and west marredpally police incessantly, and voices who softly, kindly, and consistently told me it'd all be okay, that they love me, to please come back to india, and that, despite their beliefs, asked that "God be with me."
5. i've learned that we are always watched over, and that there is a plan for us. in the height of my troubles, there was a lot of sitting and waiting. i decided to start preparing for my talk i'll be giving at home about india, and read one thing that lead to another and another and another which eventually lead me to a page in the scriptures about courage. i couldn't help but feel all at once that i was not alone as i read a compilation of every scripture relating to courage:

be not afraid...God is with thee

be strong and of a good courage

be thou strong and very courageous

she was steadfastly minded to go

let no man's heart fail...thy servant will go and fight

be ye valiant

deal courageously and the Lord shall be with the good

he thanked God, and took courage

God hath not given us the spirit of fear

his heart began to take courage

never had i seen so great courage

courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory

i'm grateful beyond understanding for india, and hope to return there as soon as possible. here's hoping to jumping right back into "real life" here in the states, so i can quickly be cured of my broken-heartedness and perceivable boredom of the senses. 

one of the more popular sayings in india is:

"everything will be alright in the end.

and if it's not alright, it's not the end."

xo,

brookie

help and comfort

little munchkin cheering because he got a toilet--counting his many blessings...

well, for those who haven't heard, india couldn't get enough of me and isn't allowing me to leave! it's now saturday night, and i was supposed to leave on wednesday for a few days in dubai, and then back to the states to start off a new semester (a week late!).

when i arrived at the airport, i went to pull my passport out and it was nowhere to be found. i was a little confused, pulled everything out, and after searching for 2 hours, realized i wasn't going to be getting it back. after i sent my last two interns on their way, i was stuck at the airport with quite the unanswerable question of what to do. it was almost as if the huge cement structure which was meant to house millions in just a weeks' time was screaming out to me how alone i was and how little control i had over my life.

yet, today, three days after i was supposed to depart this beautiful place, i got yet another small push in the right direction, as i sat and played the piano in a church congregation. we were singing "count your blessings," a hymn which i'd heard a thousand times before, and one (to be completely honest) which never really tickled my fancy. i bucked up, pulled my shoulders back, started pounding out the notes, when we got to the last verse, and suddenly i froze as 30 individuals expectantly waited for me to play. there it was on a silver platter:

So amid the conflict whether great or small

Do not be discouraged; God is over all!

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

i realized that i had been given help, comfort, and blessings at every bend in the road, from:

1. the adorable, kind, handsome police officer that escorted me around the airport for 4.5 hours going from one place to another, calling the airlines, chewing out the help desk, watching my luggage, and telling me to stop crying and think calmly to figure out what i'm supposed to learn from this
2. to the cab driver who took us there (and to the airport many times before) who personally took me under his wing, escorted me, proposed to me (another story for another time-hilarous!), and made sure that i got home safely
3. to my parents who were so willing at my beckoning call to do anything i asked and never left my side
4. to the wonderful man in my church who came with me an entire day in the boiling hot sun to translate and commiserate with me as i'd start bawling because the police officers wouldn't give me an important document, or as the consulate wouldn't let me in
5. to the sweet elder and sister hatch who took me into their home and have cared for me, spent long days at the embassy with me, and have cared for me more than they'll ever know
6. to the wonderful ladies at the consulate who laughed and cried with me, and made sure i had an emergency passport done and ready in less than 5 hours (really quite the miracle!)
7. to the wonderful office manager at HELP International's HQ who made it her personal task to help me book a flight, negotiate prices, and figure out flight schedules/times when it's the end of the summer and she has a thousand and one other things to do
8. to so many many more things/people/circumstances/situations i can't even list even if i had the rest of the night to do so........

here's the thing. not everything's sorted out. as a matter of fact, it's not nearly close to being sorted out, but i can't help but keep my chin up and have my heart beat a little more steadily. there's no denying i've been taught patience in all things this summer, and most of all i've been reminded countless (pun intended) times that: God is over all.

love you, each of you.

xo

so here i am....

and so it is. my time is quickly wrapping up here in india, and i am nothing but a weepy mess. i hardly make it though almost getting run over by a rickshaw, getting freaked out by a cow, or get smothered in line at the grocery store, without getting all teary knowing those things that drive me nuts are the things i'll be missing the most.

truth is, i was really sad to leave the states. i knew this would be a life-changing experience and many things would be different when i got back--whether it was the people/environment back at home that was different, or the new lenses with which i saw the world that was different. this has happened many times before, where i experience changes or growth in ways unique to my situations and things are never quite the same when i "return" (read this post about my thoughts on home). i thought that i'd miss the: camping, bonfires, food, outdoor concerts, hiking, slurpees, staying out late, breaking into swimming pools, and late night chats listening to the crickets and watching the stars. i thought that my heart would yearn for those things, but the truth is, i hardly missed those at all (minus some food).

this place, as i've said many times before, is indescribable. it permeates everything about you, and you can't help but fall in love with its idiosyncrasies and abrasiveness. the character everything has here and the love that you feel penetrating is undeniable as you walk down the street and everyone smiles.

in the last week, i've had the opportunity to see and many different people whether it be the rickshaw drivers or individuals in the slums. all of them have touched my heart deeply as they've expressed their gratitude for our group of interns coming "all the way from america to serve our people." they've told us "thank you for thinking of us poor people who the government doesn't even recognize as individuals" and i can't help but get emotional every time i hear that. i have tried to express to them that their love and hospitality has meant the world to me, but what i really want to share with them is that they are not invisible. they mean something to me and have left me remembering them nightly in my prayers. they have each meant something to the interns on my team. they have meant something to the individuals who, as lame as this sounds, witness pieces of their life on facebook. and they will never be forgotten to our heavenly father, who created and loves us all.

i have mixed feelings about returning, but am starting to realize that i'll leave a little bit of my heart here in india, and have it replaced in my own heart with a patchwork of bedazzled bangles, brightly colored silks, in-your-face curries, shouts of "MADAME!" and the endearing sing-songing of "welcomeeee" (instead of saying "you're welcome").

until the next time, india.

xo, brookie

"for as long as we have voices..."

“in the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. in the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely,

for as long as we have voices.” 

-elizabeth gilbert

in the last four weeks (and quite frankly, the whole summer), i have been the incredulous and truly awestruck recipient of the most wonderful service, support, love, and friendship from so many people. i am not particularly known for being short on words, but i honestly fall short when it comes to my ability to express my wonder and the depth of my gratitude for the countless ways that numberless individuals have made me feel so thoroughly loved these last few weeks, both in my indian adventure, and more specifically the bore-well project (for those of you who don't know, we successfully met our funding goal).

with giant glittery tears falling around me, i'd like, for as long as i have my voice, to sing my sincere thanks. it's been a blessing, and i almost feel out of place being able to witness both sides of the beautiful tapestry of interconnectedness and love--those all around the world who hold pieces of my heart, those whose lives did not interweave with mine until now, and the 10,000 individuals who we are serving, who have remarkably done more than their share of the work but are still so grateful. i feel privileged to know the hearts and souls who have come together to contribute, support our team, share the word, listen to my beating heart as i struggled, worried, and processed, all equally as important. and i feel almost as if i don't deserve the outstanding privilege to be able to see first-hand the impact that it will make. 

to those who i know personally:

it has been said that, "we can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." you are all my treasures, and i have never felt more alive. 

i recognize you each have your own burdens, heartache, and difficulties. your selflessness and kindness overwhelms and humbles me. 

this experience has been nothing short of divine and magical, and for that, i will be forever grateful. 

thank you from our team, thank you from our partner/community members, and thank you from the bottom of my squishy little red-headed, dance-loving, indian-smelling, half-chilean heart.

much love from india,

brookie

The Hydraband!

So, sometimes I write really sentimental, serious posts, like this one I did for our team blog. Other times, despite the long work days (or maybe because of the long work days--the hot sun does a number on ya sometimes!) dealing with serious, heart-wrenching development work our team likes to have fun.

We have started a band that does everything from our own covers, to music videos. Our latest is quite the masterpiece, and edited by yours truly. I'm hoping this will get me on the ellen show someday....Please enjoy our latest here:


and our older number one hits here:


and here:

the human spirit

what would you be willing to fight for?

i learned a great lesson today from the most incredible women in the slums.

we have some lovely people visiting us from the board of directors and operation council, and were asked to introduce them to our partners, and show them around. as we toured the different slums, the women from the community were told that we were there to meet them and learn from them. dressed in their most beautiful sarees, equipped with jasmine flowers lining their hair, and with nothing but absolute resolution in their eyes, the women gathered waiting for us to hear their stories. some waited as long as four hours to meet us, but mostly to have their voices heard.

one at a time, individual women came to share their personal stories. stories of migration. stories of wanting to learn to read just so they could check their childrens' homework or just so they could figure out how to get home from their daily manual labor jobs (riding a bus is difficult when you can't read where it's going or where it came from). these beautiful women dressed in every color of the rainbow were each as individual and unique as their sarees. not one was like the other, yet their stories had a similar thread: one of persecution, struggle, and fighting for their rights. they were all individuals with souls and beating hearts, with great difficulties in their life, yet their biggest one was being recognized as a person.

the government did not recognize them individually or as a community. countless times they'd been driven out of their homes or had them bull-dozed. the police force refused to give them government-issued ID cards so that their rights couldn't be heard if they didn't exist. how could a group of individuals have a voice if they were considered invisible?

yet, these "invisible" women came up with a brilliant plan to make themselves heard. they came together and decided to grind up the spiciest chili powder they had so that the next time they would be ready for when the police came. they prepared little packages so every woman could have at least a fist-full of chili powder, distributed them, and waited patiently. these women had had to wait for many other things in their lives, so this was a walk in the park. before long, the police came to drive them out, and as soon as they were close enough they threw the powder! the police retracted, and they were not only able to get their ID cards but also able to call the land their own, and have built themselves a wonderful community.

their resilience and perseverance taught me so much and begged the question once again: what would i be willing to fight for?

shared human vulnerability

"'there is nothing so whole as a broken heart,' said rabbi mendel of kotzk, a hasidic sage. the world breaks our hearts open, and the openness makes us whole. engaged with a brokenhearted world, we cannot and should not expect to be 'cured' of grief, fear, and despair. rather, we learn how to become more comfortable with our shared human vulnerability. we learn the art and power of no protection--a spiritual power, not an egoic conquest won through armoring ourselves against pain, or against an enemy. to learn this alchemy, we must be willing to accept suffering and vulnerability as a normal part of life. because we are vulnerable, life hurts. we are not here to be free of pain. we are here to have our hearts broken by life, and to transform that pain into love."
-miriam greenspan

one of the most loving munchkins you will ever find, with a lot more pain in his life than i've ever experienced

i am unsure that i can add anything of value to this already-beautiful quote. however, i am repeating myself when i say that i am inspired daily by my interactions with people here in india. i hear personal stories of people on my team who have overcome great personal tragedy and yet always have a smile on their face. women come in droves to tell us about their traumas--migrating, losing husbands, losing children, physical ailments, HIV/AIDS, and yet because they are vulnerable, they are strong. and their strength, in turn, transforms itself into love. if we could all learn just a little bit more from those who surround us, whether they uplift us or if they degrade us, then we will be much happier in life.


xo,
brookie

bore wells

well, it's monday morning and i'm quite busy, but here is a quick post.

it wont be serious. it wont be funny. just a request, and that is...

that you please help me get the word out for this campaign-- http://www.indiegogo.com/borewells

here's a blog post by a team member about just one of the stories behind the bore well: http://india.help-international.org/blog/people-behind-borewell

t-18 days until the campaign is completed. every little bit counts.

much love from india,
xo brookie

all prayers go to heaven

prayers tied on a tree at a temple in hampi, india
each prayer is left there to be remembered by all those who see it
(photo credit: katrina nelson)

i took a trauma class this last semester in my grad program, and we spent a long time talking about a term we coined: "trauma olympics."

basically, it explains the phenomenon of some traumas or pains being greater than others. people believe that their own pain is infinitely worse than someone else's so why are they complaining? or the complete opposite response of which i am more familiar--individuals thinking that their pain is nothing compared to anothers' so they have no reason to be sad or to complain.

while i've been here in india i have been humbled by people's stories and hardships. i receive strength daily from the resilient people who surround me. some people i will never see again, however the five minutes in which they blessed and enriched my life will never be something i forget. either i can't imagine the pain they've experienced, the injustice they've encountered, or life obstacles i couldn't even begin to pretend to understand.

see, the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable, and even sad, is when i have a friend or family member who starts an email or phone conversation with: "i know it's not as bad as what you've seen in india, but..." or "i've had a hard week, but i guess i shouldn't complain because it's not as hard as the people you see in india," etc.

i guess what i've realized here in india is that the trauma olympics make less and less sense to me. i share my experiences so that people who may want to read about them will be motivated to change and maybe experience gratitude and a slew of other emotions; however, i don't want those same individuals to undermine their own suffering and pain. i want people to realize that their own trauma, tears shed, and heartache are just as real as another's.

we all have times in our life when we need a little lifting. everyone can probably think of one aspect of their life that can use some extra prayers whether it be death, trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, mending relationships, schooling, making big decisions, needing help to become more social, or whatever physical ailment may at one point or another bother us. we all have prayers that need to be sent to heaven. please recognize that even if sometimes you may feel small or insignificant, i want you all to know that they all get to the same place at the same speed. all prayers go to heaven (or whatever you believe), and everyone needs love.

xo

prayer rags on a tree in hampi, india...
people leave them for specific purposes and prayers that need to be remembered and heard
(photo credit: katrina nelson on my team)

by the numbers

katrina on my team took this one for our "missing children" campaign

1...the number of children in my family
2...the number of functioning hands (and feet) i have
3...total members in my family
4...months i'm in india
5...days a week i'm supposed to work out
9...number of sites help international has this year
13...individuals living in my house right now
14...oreo packets we demolished the other night
20(th)...the day batman comes out!!!

and 30......

every 30 seconds a child goes missing in india. by the time you're finished reading this, depending on how quickly you read this, there will be anywhere from 8-20 children that have gone missing here.

i tried googling the word "disappeared" and the first thing that came up is an article from wikipedia listing all of the individuals who have mysteriously disappeared. the sad thing is that in that list, there are hundreds of children who go unnoticed daily. many of these children don't know how to write or say their own names (often one can identify at least which region in india someone is from by their last name) so they can't find their way home.

you may be asking yourself, where do these children go? what happens to them?

-they run away
-their parents are killed or committed suicide
-they are sold to the circus, but usually kidnapped
-they are taken for sexual purposes
-they get lost
-they get put to work as child laborers in factories

...and many many more things. the sad thing is that there isn't a system in place to find these children. in fact, 80% of the police think looking for children is a waste of their time, and don't even bother.

something interesting to ponder: which people do we allow to go unnoticed? whom do we allow to disappear entirely? which individuals do we discredit completely as human or noteworthy?