soul blossoms and such.

hey guys.

so this is me, right now--sitting in a coffee shop loving life. sure it's not easy right now--i have zero direction as far as where i'm going (no job ideas/offers, i could move to any city, work for just about anyone, and i'm certainly not dating anyone which always brings with a sense of anxiety for some ridiculous reason), and sometimes that's really overwhelming.

but today, instead of being overwhelmed, my soul is shining right out of my eyeballs (see picture). why?? because marcel proust said: 

“let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” that's why.

so let me count the ways in which i have soul blossoms--soul peonies, gerbera daisies, daffodils, and soul sunflowers....

1. amazing parents who support me, cry with me, send me snail mail cards with surprises, emails with endless love notes, encouragement, they pray for me and fast for me, and they make me feel like i can do anything i want.

2. old friends. a friend who brought me my favorite cupcake when she picked me up from the airport. talking with old friends on swings about life and things that are hard and put your mind in SPANX that you want to break out of...and things that are enlightening and invigorating. you know who you are.

3. new friends. new friends who have been to India and want to eat Indian food, and new friends who are interested in the same things and energize me to continue to pursue my dreams because she is pursuing her dreams!

4. and the guy at the coffee shop that sings so loudly and off-key to CCR and pink floyd. and does adorable dance moves while he's sweeping to some indie band i've never heard of. and brought me over a free drink because i've been here for hours and i told him i couldn't afford anything.

turns out, that my gratitude has been enlightening, soul-filling, and more than anything has brought me hope. melody beattie, you nailed it, whoever you are:

"gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

BECAUSE WE'RE HAPPYYYYY: on making tough decisions.

this post comes from two spaces in my brain, venn diagraming like crazy.

space #1: 

today is the UN's national day of happiness!! click on that link, and go through each of the homemade "happy" videos. i laughed/smiled for an entire hour straight. plus, minions and pharrell are taking over my news feed and i'm not mad at that.

space #2:

i've come across another transitional period in my life where big decisions are being made. i'm talking rest-of-my-life decisions. those huge almost-paralyzing ones where you fear one step in the wrong direction will catapult you into the depths of unhappiness for the next 65 years. okay, not that bad, but we've all been there. and no, i'm not getting married.

so, as i've been searching desperately for answers in just about any place i can find, i was reminded kindly and gently about the love and power of our creator. turns out, everyone is so concerned about making "the right decision." we've been trained and cultivated to look for heart burn and enlightenment (vs 8, 9) and that's often confusing. we sit and wait for those two magical feelings to take over our consciousness. sure, that is how it works sometimes, and there are the privileged few who experience that every single time.

but here's my problem. i'm proactive, and believe in creating perpetual forward movement in my life. elder scott (in the best talk ever on this subject) taught us that we need to make educated decisions, and that if they're wrong as we progress forward, we will know. doors of opportunity will be slammed shut in our face, and we can go back to the drawing board.

here's where the venn diagram comes in. the beautiful space where happiness, true joy, and making decisions coincide to create giant glittery glowing spider strings that lead us to the direction our souls call us--and ultimately in the direction God wants us to go, where we could make the biggest contribution.

i believe we have a creator who loves us dearly and wants nothing more than for us to be happy in this life. thus, these set of scriptures have become my guidance and direction when making decisions: 

 12 And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit. 

 13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; 

 14 And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.

i believe that for the most part--whatever it is we are seeking an answer for (majors, future spouses, careers, kids, where to live, which Target sandals to buy, etc.)--that if it fills our soul with joy, if it makes our wheels turn, if it keeps us thinking, excited, if it's something that makes you want to do good and be good, and we totally believe that we will receive an answer, then this is our answer! i mean, ultimately, doesn't it fit the previous criteria of the heart and the mind working together at the same time??

so, what's the take away? find those things that make you happy and enlighten you. be a chaser of light, and soon enough you'll find your answers and what you've been looking for. meanwhile, i'll be taking my own advice and let you know how it goes.

here we go!

ps on a totally unrelated note, i started a 

super silly tumblr with some doodles. check it out.

on the moment you forget you're boiling an egg, and it pops.

i've been having a crisis as of late. not quarter-life. i already passed that one, with vagaries of life leading me to my current situation in arizona. now i'm having (was having) just an i'm-not-sure-who-i-am-anymore crisis. and let me tell you this: when you look for truth (read: pray for truth), be ready for the answers to accost you from all sides, no matter how contumaciously you fight to be independent, and individual. turns out you can still be independent and individual, and ask for help.

i was finding myself wondering who i was. it seems quite silly to talk about it in past tense, when this past tense was really recent--like two weeks ago. ANYWAY, why was i going down a path that had suddenly taken it's own life? why wasn't i doing the things that i loved to do anymore? i realized i hadn't: danced, played field hockey, learned a new non-church piano piece, read a fun book, painted or drawn, or really created anything in years! at one point in time, all of these things had once been part of my identity.(does anybody watch new girl? you know a few episodes ago when Winston's like...every decision in my life was made for me! they gave me a basketball when i was born! well, i was kind of feeling like that all of a sudden).

suddenly, serious anxiety took over my consciousness, and earnest prayer was the only way i knew how to find answers when the following series of events changed my life forever:

.5 this only gets a half bullet point because it doesn't really count, but was sort of the moment my wheels started turning. so, i watched the notebook and bawled my face off. i mean, i had liquids running from all over my face. but you know she discovers that she doesn't paint anymore, and then decides to go with noah? well it got me thinking about the list i created above. i didn't do the things that i loved anymore, the things that got my heart pumping! i mean, don't get me wrong, i love going to school and learning, but it's just not the same. okay, read on.

1. i read this discourse on resolutions and regrets for a discussion group. it reminded me that we are majestic, that we have godly heritage, and that we "arrive in this world...'trailing clouds of glory' from the premortal sphere." digest that for a second. the talk also reminded me that "we are capable of so much more. for that, good intentions are not enough. we must do."

1.5 i stumbled across the picture above. another small seemingly insignificant event.

2. i then attended an inspired conference for thousands of individuals. in the opening remarks, sheri dew (a woman i esteem and admire), was very raw and honest with us. her plenary guided us through some key events in her life where she was either lost, put in a difficult and stressful situation, or is still experiencing painful things outside of her control. and yet, with power and wisdom, she told us this: "when you know who you are, it changes you. figure out who you are, and it'll change your behavior. it'll change what you do, what you wear, who you date, who you're friends with, the way you treat your family, and the way you treat yourself."

3. the next day in the same conference, i had the opportunity to listen to stephanie nielson. heartbreak oozed out of her quivering voice as she told us a first-hand account of a tragic and painful plane crash she experienced. most shockingly to me, however, were the feelings of despair and depression she shared with us. her most intimate feelings when waking up from a 3.5 month coma after burning 85% of her body, were those of wanting to once again fulfill the measure of her role as a mother and wife. she longed to put baby carrots in her children's school lunches. she missed the fact that her dog would dig through the trash and eat up dirty diapers--and subsequently she would have to bend over, and clean it all up. she missed being able to care for her husband, and the dexterity and usefulness of her extremities. she told us that everything that was once her identity was completely stripped from her, even her physical appearance. it took her months to have the desire to live again. it took until she finally felt she knew who she was again--a mother, a wife, and a beautiful daughter of God.

4. alex boye (link to his hilarious music video), the biggest ball of energy you will ever get the privilege of knowing, also gave a stirring break-out session in which at the very end he exclaimed, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!" i thought to myself, what do i really know about myself? the rest of the day was quite a blur as i continued to write in a stream of consciousness the things that i knew to be true about brook dorff. it's a great exercise in gratitude, self-awareness, and potential!

5. i learned about the principle of belongingness (i've linked the oh-so-scientific source of wikipedia, but it's basic and will get the gist across. if you want to know more, ask me. i'll send you oodles of long, intense, and incredibly interesting articles). but the boiled down version is this: humans need to belong, and they need to know they are part of something greater. this creates motivation--motivation to be better, to not let others and ourselves down, and overall true joy and happiness.

and that was the moment for me. you know when you forget about your eggs boiling on the stove? it's been about an hour and you've been a multi-tasking fiend when all of a sudden you hear a giant inexplicable explosion and you take cover because you think someone is shooting at you? and almost at the same instant you duck, the lightbulb goes off: it's the egg you started to boil about an hour ago...

(from here)

by the time i read about belongingness, discouragement and unproductive emotions that lead to confusion and anxiety had basically all boiled away. i popped (like the boiling egg), and realized the giant thread in this all. that life's vicissitudes will not necessarily disappear entirely, but become much less daunting when we know: where we came from, that we belong, have individual purpose, and a unique set of gifts.

so there you have it. the longest blog post you'll read in a long time.

game on, life.

xoxo, with purpose,
brookie

"do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day"

i will always remember today, 11/12/13 for one thing:

the day i realized the old testament and slam poetry have absolutely everything in common. yep, you read that right.

you see, i've had this poem swirly twirling in the back of my mind the last few months (watch below, it's beautiful).

"this is for the fat girls

this one is for the little brothers

this is for the school-yard wimps, and for the childhood bullies that tormented them...

shake the dust...
...do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you
that your heart beats 900 times a day
and that there are enough gallons of blood
to make you an ocean.
do not settle for letting these waves settle
and the dust to collect in your veins."

-anis mojgani

as it turns out, shaking the dust is no respecter of persons. it's for just about anybody, in just about any circumstance. but what does shaking the dust really mean? anis tells us. it's running head-on with widespread arms into the face of life; often it's allowing things to flow into our beautifully pumping heart (that at times beats more consciously, audibly, and visibly than others). sometimes it's dangerous. sometimes it presents itself as pain. or vulnerability, love, and courage all wrapped into one giant beautiful composition of bright colors and pounding drums. we've all been there.

but here's where it gets better. isaiah (52:2) taught me this today: that shaking the dust means freeing ourselves from enslavement and captivity, quite literally.

"shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem:

loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion."

Isaiah 52:2

i learned that when we shake the dust, that we are actually just taking our rightful place. that we are being freed from enslavement, and claiming what's ours. we are quite literally standing up, (harlem) shaking the dust, and moving to a new, better place waiting for us to merely ask for it. that we are in fact running with widespread arms. that we are "grabbing the world by its clothespins...walk[ing] into [the world], and breath[ing] it" in the best way we know how.

so what's enslaving us? what's keeping us from shaking the dust?? how much dust have we allowed to accumulate on our beautiful bodies? and why?? do we believe we are enough? do we believe in growth?

i know i've had to take some painful introspective glances. do my accomplishments belie whats actually happening in my life? is my path productive, and am i really taking charge in every way that i can? i'm not sure that i am. but that's what this is all about, right?

basically, i'm saying this to myself as much as i am to anyone reading this. shake the dust! become free from your chains. do something that makes you scared and uncomfortable. recognize those places where you could shake the dust out of your lives. get out, and greet the world with open arms, and run like the wind.

someone knew you'd be traveling that way...

here i am, back from blogging oblivion. i don't know how long this will last, and it may be a one-time random occurrence. who knows.

yesterday, i was desperately trying to describe how i am feeling right now in this moment of my life to my best friend. the only analogy i came up with was i felt like i was getting my eye exam done. you know how sometimes while they're flipping heaven-knows-what in that magical chair of theirs, you know without a doubt which prescription or which option will give you the most clarity?? they're like, this one or this one? and you know for SURE it's the first one that's better. but then other times, i sit there, and they have to do it a couple times for me, and i think--IS THIS  A TRICK QUESTION? i get all confused, and second-guess myself, and make a choice in haste because i feel like the answer should be obvious but it really isn't. they always give me the cop out by saying, "...or about the same?" i mean, what does that even mean?!?! if they're about the same, why are you giving me two options??? but then i still have no solid answer. and the worst part is this: that i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i wont be able to see for the next year or two until my next appointment!

or maybe i'm the only looney person who thinks that much about eye appointments. but i take everything i do mostly seriously, and it for reals gives me anxiety. that being said, i feel like right now that's where i'm at! i feel like so many things have been so incredibly clear to me: move to arizona, do the masters' program, live here, go to india, do this, do that. there are so many moments that have been crystal clear. mind you, some clarity has come just in the knick (i actually don't know which kind of nick should be put here so i'm putting both) of time--like moving to arizona in august of 2011 to start only a few days later. but still, they were at one point or another, absolute moments of vision and clarity. but then, it seems like lately, i'm at the end of my eye exam when it starts to get hard, and mucky, and it's all starting to look the same. i'm second-guessing my previous decisions (despite at one point knowing they were what i needed to do), and i'm certainly in the dark as to where i should go next.

well, all of this was swirling around in my head the last week or two, when yesterday, i was looking for some glitter pens (what, you don't use those anymore?! i sure do!). i found this gem hiding in my folder of papers, pictures, and magazine pages i've collected since i was about 12:

which seemed to be nothing but heaven-sent. and then, i decided to "randomly" read one of my top three favorite BYU speeches of all time by elder gong (go read it!!), because i hadn't read it for a while, and there was the clarity all over again, explaining the unexplained:

"Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Teaches President Boyd K. Packer:

Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew that you would be traveling that way. [“Spiritual Crocodiles,” Ensign, May 1976, 31]

On occasion, in unexpected places, I have been grateful—as you have been—to find such provisions."

there was my own personal provision that had been set in the most unexpected place and time waiting for me to discover it. it was the perfect "good game" pat on my butt to help me keep going, and even make decisions about my future.

basically what i'm trying to say is this: keep at it. don't get discouraged. as a matter of fact, have courage, and stand by 1) the feelings you've had (even if they don't make sense, or didn't play out the way you thought they would in your head), and the 2) direction you feel you've been given. because when you do, you'll all of a sudden find those provisions, those little bread crumbs saying you're doing just fine, and you'll have that vision you've been seeking become clear all over again.

alright, that's all folks. love you all.

xoxo, brookie

departures and insights

one of the smiles i will miss the most...

here i sit, half a world away from my dear india. to be honest, i never thought this day would happen and now that it's here, i wish it weren't.

on the flight home, i watched a film, the best exotic marigold hotel. it was beautiful, hilarious, and one of the more accurate descriptions of india i've found. my favorite quote from there was when one of the characters says:

"can there be anywhere else in the world that is such an assault on the senses? those who know the country well just go about their business. but nothing prepares the uninitiated for this riot of noise and color--for the heat, the motion. the perpetual teeming crowds...initially you're overwhelmed. but gradually you realize it's like a wave. resist and you'll be knocked over. dive into it, and you'll swim out on the other side."

now, i am utterly alone sitting in an insipid airport with one or two stragglers walking past me about every 20 minutes--if i'm lucky. the singular, banal noise is the elevator music softly buzzing, with no symbiosis of life, traffic, animals, gabbar singh streaming from three separate cell phones, and someone yelling "madame" to get my attention. all the passersby wear neutrals and minimal adornments, and i find myself absolutely bored and heartbroken. i keep thinking of all the people who made me promise i wouldn't forget them. and the people who said they'd sell everything they had to help us come back. the only thing that seems to assuage my unexplainable vulnerability and anxiety is the thought of going back to india soon, but even that is uncertain. in life i've learn to expect the unexpected.

...but i digress. i've already written a sappy love note to india. so instead, i'm going to make a running list of what the last week has taught me through my ridiculous bout with the indian government and trying to leave the country. maybe someday i'll have the courage to write a little about how india overall has changed me....but at this point, it's not likely.

so here, it is, ladies and gentlemen--what this last week (read: trying to escape india!) has taught me:

1. first and foremost, i've learned that i relate more easily to a couple in their sixties than most people my age. i could have stayed up all night talking to the sweet welfare missionaries about: GPS systems and geocaching, astrology and telescopes, genealogy, geeking out about tandem bikes, talking about camping and wilderness survival, and so many other way more interesting things. i have so much to learn from those with more experience and wisdom, including my wonderful parents. which leads me to....
2. my parents are beautiful, wonderful, wise, loving people who would do anything for me. what a blessing i have in my life, when i've seen and met those whose parents don't even want them. mine stayed up all night praying for me, no matter what time it was, and updating individuals at 4 in the morning who i'm sure really didn't care as much as they did. these guys can tell from my "hello" if i'm happy or on the verge of hysterics. which leads me to....(man i'm good at these transitions!)
3. i've learned that as much as i think i'm in control of my emotions, and i make the "sour face" until my face turns blue, i burst out crying at wildly inappropriate times, and i burst out laughing at equally inappropriate times. basically i'm 5 years old and 65 years old at the same time.
4. i've learned that there is power in voices. voices that are raised up to heaven in my (and others') behalf, voices that call and comfort me, voices who have a meaningful conversation with me, voices who obstreperously contacted the FRRO and west marredpally police incessantly, and voices who softly, kindly, and consistently told me it'd all be okay, that they love me, to please come back to india, and that, despite their beliefs, asked that "God be with me."
5. i've learned that we are always watched over, and that there is a plan for us. in the height of my troubles, there was a lot of sitting and waiting. i decided to start preparing for my talk i'll be giving at home about india, and read one thing that lead to another and another and another which eventually lead me to a page in the scriptures about courage. i couldn't help but feel all at once that i was not alone as i read a compilation of every scripture relating to courage:

be not afraid...God is with thee

be strong and of a good courage

be thou strong and very courageous

she was steadfastly minded to go

let no man's heart fail...thy servant will go and fight

be ye valiant

deal courageously and the Lord shall be with the good

he thanked God, and took courage

God hath not given us the spirit of fear

his heart began to take courage

never had i seen so great courage

courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory

i'm grateful beyond understanding for india, and hope to return there as soon as possible. here's hoping to jumping right back into "real life" here in the states, so i can quickly be cured of my broken-heartedness and perceivable boredom of the senses. 

one of the more popular sayings in india is:

"everything will be alright in the end.

and if it's not alright, it's not the end."

xo,

brookie

help and comfort

little munchkin cheering because he got a toilet--counting his many blessings...

well, for those who haven't heard, india couldn't get enough of me and isn't allowing me to leave! it's now saturday night, and i was supposed to leave on wednesday for a few days in dubai, and then back to the states to start off a new semester (a week late!).

when i arrived at the airport, i went to pull my passport out and it was nowhere to be found. i was a little confused, pulled everything out, and after searching for 2 hours, realized i wasn't going to be getting it back. after i sent my last two interns on their way, i was stuck at the airport with quite the unanswerable question of what to do. it was almost as if the huge cement structure which was meant to house millions in just a weeks' time was screaming out to me how alone i was and how little control i had over my life.

yet, today, three days after i was supposed to depart this beautiful place, i got yet another small push in the right direction, as i sat and played the piano in a church congregation. we were singing "count your blessings," a hymn which i'd heard a thousand times before, and one (to be completely honest) which never really tickled my fancy. i bucked up, pulled my shoulders back, started pounding out the notes, when we got to the last verse, and suddenly i froze as 30 individuals expectantly waited for me to play. there it was on a silver platter:

So amid the conflict whether great or small

Do not be discouraged; God is over all!

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

i realized that i had been given help, comfort, and blessings at every bend in the road, from:

1. the adorable, kind, handsome police officer that escorted me around the airport for 4.5 hours going from one place to another, calling the airlines, chewing out the help desk, watching my luggage, and telling me to stop crying and think calmly to figure out what i'm supposed to learn from this
2. to the cab driver who took us there (and to the airport many times before) who personally took me under his wing, escorted me, proposed to me (another story for another time-hilarous!), and made sure that i got home safely
3. to my parents who were so willing at my beckoning call to do anything i asked and never left my side
4. to the wonderful man in my church who came with me an entire day in the boiling hot sun to translate and commiserate with me as i'd start bawling because the police officers wouldn't give me an important document, or as the consulate wouldn't let me in
5. to the sweet elder and sister hatch who took me into their home and have cared for me, spent long days at the embassy with me, and have cared for me more than they'll ever know
6. to the wonderful ladies at the consulate who laughed and cried with me, and made sure i had an emergency passport done and ready in less than 5 hours (really quite the miracle!)
7. to the wonderful office manager at HELP International's HQ who made it her personal task to help me book a flight, negotiate prices, and figure out flight schedules/times when it's the end of the summer and she has a thousand and one other things to do
8. to so many many more things/people/circumstances/situations i can't even list even if i had the rest of the night to do so........

here's the thing. not everything's sorted out. as a matter of fact, it's not nearly close to being sorted out, but i can't help but keep my chin up and have my heart beat a little more steadily. there's no denying i've been taught patience in all things this summer, and most of all i've been reminded countless (pun intended) times that: God is over all.

love you, each of you.

xo

shared human vulnerability

"'there is nothing so whole as a broken heart,' said rabbi mendel of kotzk, a hasidic sage. the world breaks our hearts open, and the openness makes us whole. engaged with a brokenhearted world, we cannot and should not expect to be 'cured' of grief, fear, and despair. rather, we learn how to become more comfortable with our shared human vulnerability. we learn the art and power of no protection--a spiritual power, not an egoic conquest won through armoring ourselves against pain, or against an enemy. to learn this alchemy, we must be willing to accept suffering and vulnerability as a normal part of life. because we are vulnerable, life hurts. we are not here to be free of pain. we are here to have our hearts broken by life, and to transform that pain into love."
-miriam greenspan

one of the most loving munchkins you will ever find, with a lot more pain in his life than i've ever experienced

i am unsure that i can add anything of value to this already-beautiful quote. however, i am repeating myself when i say that i am inspired daily by my interactions with people here in india. i hear personal stories of people on my team who have overcome great personal tragedy and yet always have a smile on their face. women come in droves to tell us about their traumas--migrating, losing husbands, losing children, physical ailments, HIV/AIDS, and yet because they are vulnerable, they are strong. and their strength, in turn, transforms itself into love. if we could all learn just a little bit more from those who surround us, whether they uplift us or if they degrade us, then we will be much happier in life.


xo,
brookie

gratitude

i started this blog post ages ago, because of this quote i found:

‎"Absence of gratitude is the mark of the narrow, uneducated mind. It bespeaks a lack of knowledge and the ignorance of self sufficiency."

- Gordon B. Hinckley

beautiful woman from the leprosy colony, picture by one of our interns, katrina

the thing is, as i now reflect on myself, i believe i knew nothing of gratitude back when i started on this post. i'm by no means saying that i know every dimension, angle, and all depth when it comes to gratitude. however, what i am saying is that my gratitude has lately covered uncharted territory in my synapses. the other day i wrote out a list of what i was grateful for based on what i had seen, and instead of complicating my list with superfluous explanations, i'll just share it with you all. enjoy.

i am grateful for:

• the knowledge that i have to know how to write my own name
• dexterity, mobility, and use of all of my limbs, joints, phalanges, feet, ankles, mouth, and face
• the fact that i also still have all of those parts
• parents who didn't have to choose between feeding themselves or other children, and keeping me
• parents, period. and ones that love and nurture me to boot
• the gospel in my life
• family--grandparents and cousins who love and support me
• forgiveness
• sight
• knowledge of the rules of health, and access to health care
• money and the ability to travel
• my experiences in life
• all of the people who love, support, and pray for me in my behalf
• technology and photography
• time
• smiles, with or without teeth
• giggles and laughs
• personality
• agency
• prayer
• food
• access to water (more on this later)

this may seem simple or even elementary, but that's totally fine with me. my heart swelled as i realized all of the things i've been given in this life, and all of the love that we are all constantly subjected to. the children and people that i interact with daily also see all of the things they've been given in life, and are constantly expressing their gratitude for things like shoes made just for their feet, learning how to make toys/picture frames/flower pots out of trash, etc.

trash toys, pots, and picture frames--picture by one of our interns, allie rae

hands of one of the women from the leprosy colony, picture by one of our interns, katrina

much love from india,

brookie

indelible footprints

a few months back, i heard someone say,

"you'll find as you're changing the world, you're changing yourself."

i did not come to india to change the world, nor do i pretend to think that i have any impact on the entire world. i realize that i am small and a mere simple girl with little to no reach. as a matter of fact, the more i travel, the smaller i feel. the more i realize how much there is that exists on this earth, and how many individual lives with individual heartbeats and breaths surround us.

the first few days the volunteers are here (they finally got here on thursday!!), my co-director and i have some great "exposure visits" planned with each organization we've worked with in the past. this includes seeing HIV/AIDS clinics, slums, leprosy colonies, "bridge schools," gardening projects, and meeting indigenous people of india who may be displaced due to a dam(n) dam being built. needless to say, i have had and will have some incredible experiences in the next/last 10 days.

the first of these which took place on thursday. it was the day our volunteers got into town (at 3am nonetheless), so we wanted to start off with something simple. turns out, i can't stop thinking about it, and probably never will. one of the organizations we work with, MV Foundation, runs what is called a "bridge camp." there are millions of child laborers here in india--both those born into it, sold into it, and taken into it. the child laborers cover everything from the stuff you buy at walmart, to sex slavery, to precious pearls and gold. sometimes, if a child has the opportunity, they can escape the life in which they are enslaved because of different reasons. however positive this is, it is also a bad thing because once they leave, they are often left with no family, no means for food or housing, and certainly no opportunity to marry with no dowry or family to present them. without these things, the public schools wont accept them (even though the government "regulates" that everyone is to be accepted), and these children not only fall behind the people their age, but have no chance of catching up and eventually go back to their old livelihoods and lifestyles.

what a bridge school does, then, is bridge the gap between what they missed through not being in school, and create opportunities for education for boys and girls. on top of that, they give them somewhere to live, family, job skills, social skills, and an address so they can apply for school.

we had the opportunity to visit one such school here in the outskirts of Hyderabad, and i will never forget it. we only got to go into one classroom, but these girls gave me so much strength and have left indelible footprints on my heart. i will never forget their faces, the hope, and the enthusiasm in which they spoke, listened, learned, and sang. these girls were so proud of the body parts they learned in english. they were so proud of the pronouns, the math, their little chalk boards in which they wrote all of their assignments, and they had every right to be proud. they had every right to be beaming, because they had an opportunity, actually a human right, all of a sudden granted: education, and freedom.

before we left, they wanted to sing a song for us. i will leave you with that. to see pictures from the experience, you can see my fb pictures here. the song they sang is in telugu, the national language in AP (the state). they talk about how no one will ever take their freedom from them. they proclaim and shout that they have the right to learn and to become whatever they desire to become (most want to be educators, doctors, and engineers). they talk about how they are the future generation. i was very emotional as i heard them sing with vigor, with nothing but pure determination on their smiling faces.

enjoy.
ps. read our team country blog here

love quotes and favorite pictures

going on a walk in draper, ut

santa cruz, ca sunset

in provo watching fireworks for pioneer day

scars

to be alive at all is to have scars.

-john steinbeck

as I am studying in my program and contemplating the suffering of many types of people around the world, i am realizing more and more the reality of this quote. we are often asked to contemplate the question: what is universal? what has no bounds? what is absolutely inalienable?

is love universal?

is suffering universal?

the more critically i think about these things that are intrinsically ours, the more i realize my heart is being opened to understand and love those around me. they say the more we work in this field, the less full our proverbial glass is....

and yet, that has led me to ask: who is drinking out of that glass? where is that second straw coming from? (as my professor so eloquently put it) maybe if our glass is less full, maybe if we have a different view on things that aren't all glitter and rainbows, we are more easily able to appreciate life, and fill our glass with those things that mean the most?

just a little stream of consciousness....

there you have it

picture i took in vietnam, quote i took from someone who told me...i can't remember whom, but it was good.

it's like those kissing salt shakers...

anybody who knows anything about me knows i absolutely am enamored with love. the thing is, i go through these periods in life when i think i've completely learned to understand every aspect of love, and then BAM i get smacked in the face with something entirely new, only to re-discover it's glory in a whole new meaning.


...but i digress. i'll leave you with these words from some author from the interwebzz. what is it about love that just makes us keep going back?! you know, the boys that when you see their name light up on your phone, give you butterflies, and you spend a good ten minutes trying to come up with a good response, and the best you end up with is: "ok :)." can't live with it, can't live without it.

"...scenes with the two of them that made me happy even if the characters were miserable because even when they were miserable together, it was better for them than when they were apart. there’s that thing about falling in love where you know it’s a mistake and you’re too damn smart to do that again, but it’s just THERE, your heart beats faster when you see him, he smiles the minute he sees you, and even when it’s awful, even when you swear never again, you have to go back. it’s like those kissing salt shakers with magnets in their mouths, you just have to click together."

i took this in santa cruz last november

missing...

i have so many things to say lately...

i still have all of my thoughts on love that i never shared

and i learned so much on my travels to vietnam.

take this as an introduction to my future thoughts that are about to derail and unload.

i realized this last trip, that there were so many people in my life that i wished had seen something there with me. maybe someone i thought needed to see a deserted beach (that they thought i'd get kidnapped from), or someone needed to come see all the glorious silk scarves and gorgeous colors, or someone i KNEW would love the musical/dance production.

then, i came home and saw this quote, and knew it was meant to be. i juxtaposed my new favorite quote, with a picture that i took in vietnam looking out in to cat ba in a heart-shaped coral rock. funny how every place i fall in love with, there is something that is heart-shaped. maybe it should be a new project?? 

i will not settle for mediocrity, day 1

"Your life is your own, to develop or to destroy. You can blame others little and yourself almost totally if that life is not a productive, worthy, full, and abundant one. Others can assist or hinder you, but the responsibility is yours and you can make it great, mediocre, or a failure." -Spencer w Kimball

one of the happiest summers of my life!

when i stumbled across this quote, it sparked something within me, and made me reevaluate my path in life, and whether or not i was okay with where it was going. literally a few days later one of my favorite people in the whole world, Richard, talked to me about doing this incredible program created by Anthony Robbins with a group of people. yesterday was my first day and let me tell you, i'm ready to make my life above and beyond great.

for now, my "love" posts will be postponed, and i will take you on my 9-day journey through "Get the Edge." the insights i'll be learning about myself and life in general might be beneficial to you as it has been to me. maybe not, but at least you'll get to see me make a fool of myself on here.

without further delay, here are my thoughts from day 1:

one of the main nuggets of wisdom i pulled from yesterday was that "my quality of life is the quality of consistent emotions i feel."

i thought a lot about that idea, and how if i feel that my day went well, then it went well. if i feel that my day went poorly, then i'll tell people i had a lousy day. my day quality = my emotions, and my emotions are easily controlled. sure, there are times where an emotion sneaks up on me and takes me by surprise but more often than not i either choose to sulk and savor the negative or empowering feeling, or i brush it aside and go with what i really want to. i'll either sit and stew about how i am feeling left out, or i'll move on and say "no big deal, brook." i learned that i can focus on things that are positive, and that in turn my life will be positive.

now, throughout my short 24 years of life, i've had times where i can remember just exuding, leading, and oozing joy and happiness. there have definitely been times on the other hand where i want to absorb everything that made me upset, and nothing can cheer me up because i don't want to be cheered up. i'll be the first to admit, i'm nowhere near i've been in the past and i've made a new commitment to JUMP out of bed in the morning no matter what. i've re-committed to not focus on poisonous emotions that in turn show in my countenance and radiate (however poorly) onto others.

i take my life where i know it can go--beyond mediocre, and i wont blame it on anyone else.

cheesy? probably. awesome? yes.

and so it is

"the cure for anything is salt water:

sweat, tears, or the sea"

Isak Dinesen

WOW is MOM upside down

"Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity." --Margaret D. Nadauld 

at my graduation

trouble....

what, you don't model your shoulder pads??

As my mom read me this quote the other night, I couldn't help but think that it exemplified and personified my mother to the "t." She has always had her priorities in the right place, and has done a good job of teaching me the things that are most important: faith, virtue, and refinement. Yes, I have a long way to go before I reach the point to where my mamasita has, but I love her for her example she is to me.


Happy Birthday, mamita!
xoxo

grey twilight...

"far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."

-theodore roosevelt

(picture by my favorite rodney smith)

made for another world...

(loved this mountain in otavalo, ecuador with the giant heart on the side...both pics from otavalo)

"if i find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that i was made for another world."

-c.s. lewis