what am i DOING

so if you're on facebook, and you're my friend, you know that i decided to take a life turn and go to graduate school. to some people, it may have seem out of the blue, but here's the story of why and how it all happened. reader's digest version, of course.

well, about a year and a half ago, i: took the GRE, got a fantastic score, decided not to apply to graduate school because i was happy with my job, then decided to apply because things were changing quickly, got accepted to a few schools, decided not to go to school because of a "promotion" at work, didn't get the promotion and lost my job, got a new job (remember THIS overly-dramatic post?? (how do you guys handle all of my drama?)), learned a lot from the new job, started getting antsy again and thinking about graduate school, decided no on graduate school*, then all of a sudden decided yes**, and left a week later.

*i had decided no for a few reasons: 
1. i wasn't sure i wanted to be in debt.
2. i wanted to make one thousand percent sure (yes, i realize this is impossible) that i wasn't running away. i didn't want to run away from unhappiness in my job, dating, social scene, weather, or anything. i wanted to be sure that the decision i was making was objective and logical, not irrational and reactional (not a word, i know). 
3. someday way down the line in my life i wanted to be married, and what i didn't want was to go into a marriage with debt, and an inability to fully live out the dream and career that graduate school would fuel and provide.

**it was the perfect timing:
1. i realized debt was so worth it. i was getting to a point where i was no longer progressing, and this was the next step to make me uncomfortable once again.
2. life was perfect. i had the perfect friends and maybe some of the best girl friends i've had in a long time, job was tolerable (although we were going to lose funding soon and work dynamics changed quickly), dating picking up speed, i loved where i lived, who i lived with, my grocery store, my pool, my apartment complex, my church, the sky, the sights and views, the things i did on the weekends, i was loving life in every single sense of the phrase.
3. i realized that somebody someday would love me for my crazy ideas and dreams and ambition. some crazy man would someday want to stick it out through my fickle dramatic stints, and that they would support me in the fuel that graduate school would provide me with to go out and change the world.

i would be lying to you if i said it was easy to just pack up and leave, especially with such little notice. it was anything but that. i had to tell my work the same day that it was my last day working there. i had to tell all of my friends and people i loved so deeply that i was leaving. i cried a lot. i also laughed at myself because once upon a time i really despised utah, and i had realized that i had made it my home for the last seven years. perhaps i learned to love it, own it, and sometimes defend it.

nonetheless, here i am in arizona. 22 days, and i am loving it here. my sweet dad (i would have been a lost wreck without him) drove my uhaul, stayed with me in a hotel until we found me a place to live, and even picked out a few husbands for me at church, haha. the place i live is charming. the city i live in is just my style. my roommate is adorbs. the people i have met and friends i have made are hilarious, amazing, and fun. the weather is perfect, but the main reason that i came for was school, and that has exceeded my expectations already. i am in my second week of classes, and already i am feeling myself expand, question, grow, and seek for more. i am realizing the things i can do to change the world around me, and the things that are happening around me to change me.

i've asked myself a few times, "what in the world am i DOING??!" i've woken up a few times in my new place wondering where in the world i am. i even sometimes think that i'm just on vacation, and i'll be back "home" before i know it. then, i realize how everything has worked out perfectly, and this is exactly where i'm supposed to be right now. this is going to be a beautiful experience for me, and i hope you are all ready for some really serious blog posts, and probably some ridiculous ones too. i kind of feel like some sort of pathogen growing in a lab. i am mutating and growing at unnatural rates, and have become immune to anything and anyone stopping me.

your favorite masters candidate in social justice and human rights
your favorite sun devil


eden said...

so glad you're loving it and feeling good about things!

so sad i can't go bug you at work anymore...

kind of bittersweet. (:

pops said...

That was fun week of non-reality staying the hotel, swimming in the pool, playing games with single people and laughing in stores like we were peers. Actually, you're far superior.

Chris and Christina said...

Doesn't it feel so good to know that you are exactly where you need to be? Glad you are enjoying the hot sun in AZ! Good luck with school, you'll do great :)

thatonegirl said...

my dear Brook I LOVE YOU!
I hope you knew that... but I do.
You know why you haven't gotten married yet?
Whoever gets to marry your fireball self needs a lot of preparation to live up to what you deserve. and I do mean A LOT.

He is going to be absolutely wonderful. as are you.

Kate said...

So happy for you! It takes a lot of courage to do what you need to do, that says a lot about your character! :) Yay for growing experiences!

Mallory said...

I love you. I miss you. I need you. I am so proud of you. I want to be you. You are so ambitious and I wouldn't have you any other way!

Jules, James, & Ben said...

I was just wondering about if you made any decisions yet. SO happy for you. Kick some butt in school and enjoy living in a sunny state once again. I miss you. And guess what, baby boy #2 arriving in January. Just found out today, but don't post anything on FB because we are telling the fam's tomorrow night.

Caroline said...

What an exciting adventure you've had and will continue to have! You go girl!

Viviana said...

far superior is such a great compliment from your dad. Yep, you are so much more ahead of us. You will succeed, no doubt about it.

Ashley and Trent said...

I am so happy for you, but I am desperately sad that you are gone. We really need to catch up soon my friend. Love you brook!

Evaly said...

Best wishes!

Colette said...

You AMAZE and INSPIRE me!!! You are such an indescribably beautiful person. :) Glad you are where you need to be!

brook said...

you guys are all way too sweet!!
dad, i had SO much fun with you!!
and everyone else, you inspire me so much! thanks for making me feel like i can conquer the world. xoxoxo