Person of the Day: Eunji

well, i'm here in Fiji, which means I have so many more things to talk about and project into the world besides my random life advice/lesson and love advice. lucky for you all, because i'm sure that gets old fast...

i've decided that everywhere i go, my favorite thing about going there usually ends up being the people i meet! the people in the market, the people i work with, live with, and even those who cross my path for only an hour or two via a random happenstance. i've already let too many of those people pass by without sharing their wisdom or hilarity, so i'm going to start posting the 'person of the day.' it's not going to be every day, but just when i feel like it. 

so, for the first one, i have a real gem. she is about the wisest 10 year old you've ever met and is full of wisdom on north korea and africa, her relationship with God, her worries about not crying and homesickness, and most importantly--love. (see, you still get love advice, but this time it's not from me!)

this is Eunji from Seoul, South Korea. she tried to fit into the refrigerator yesterday because a) it was really hot and b) there was a sudden flood of flying larvae that came out of nowhere and she was genuinely terrified. she loves kimchi, soda, and Beyonce, and she might be my favorite person on the planet right now. last night, Hilary (my co-director) and I were talking to her about boys, and here's the invaluable knowledge i acquired. you're welcome.

how to tell if a boy likes you (verbatim):

1. they kiss you here (the lips) and not here (the cheeks).

2. if he hugs you and spends time with you, he 100% likes you.

3. but if he takes you on dates, and he kisses you (or he lets you kiss him!), he one million no, ALL the percents likes you. 

...but don't have a boyfriend because then you have to make them good food, and look too pretty all the time with all the make ups and hairs and high heels, and that's not fun.

more nuggets of advice:

• if a boy is good and he goes to church and he likes you (see above), then you should just marry him. but if you don't know if you should marry him, wait 5 years and you will know.
• it doesn't matter if you're 45 and he is 50, or if you are 50 and he is 30, or if you are 60 and he is 20, love is love!

other advice on global politics and homesickness:

• why does everyone want to fight? i'm so sad because the mean Korea (north Korea) wants to fight and take all the good people who are poor and trick them with promises. they want to get big and get plenty money and not help people who need help. i don't want to do that to poor people. i don't want to fight anybody.
• why do people take all the nice people in Africa and tell them what to do? they just want to live!
• why doesn't Heavenly Father talk back to me? i just want to sit by him and play with him and eat with him and ask him all the questions!
• when i leave Korea, i wanted to cry so bad, but my mom told me not to cry because my papa's heart is too thin. so now i just work hard at my english to make my oma and papa proud.

BECAUSE WE'RE HAPPYYYYY: on making tough decisions.

this post comes from two spaces in my brain, venn diagraming like crazy.

space #1: 

today is the UN's national day of happiness!! click on that link, and go through each of the homemade "happy" videos. i laughed/smiled for an entire hour straight. plus, minions and pharrell are taking over my news feed and i'm not mad at that.

space #2:

i've come across another transitional period in my life where big decisions are being made. i'm talking rest-of-my-life decisions. those huge almost-paralyzing ones where you fear one step in the wrong direction will catapult you into the depths of unhappiness for the next 65 years. okay, not that bad, but we've all been there. and no, i'm not getting married.

so, as i've been searching desperately for answers in just about any place i can find, i was reminded kindly and gently about the love and power of our creator. turns out, everyone is so concerned about making "the right decision." we've been trained and cultivated to look for heart burn and enlightenment (vs 8, 9) and that's often confusing. we sit and wait for those two magical feelings to take over our consciousness. sure, that is how it works sometimes, and there are the privileged few who experience that every single time.

but here's my problem. i'm proactive, and believe in creating perpetual forward movement in my life. elder scott (in the best talk ever on this subject) taught us that we need to make educated decisions, and that if they're wrong as we progress forward, we will know. doors of opportunity will be slammed shut in our face, and we can go back to the drawing board.

here's where the venn diagram comes in. the beautiful space where happiness, true joy, and making decisions coincide to create giant glittery glowing spider strings that lead us to the direction our souls call us--and ultimately in the direction God wants us to go, where we could make the biggest contribution.

i believe we have a creator who loves us dearly and wants nothing more than for us to be happy in this life. thus, these set of scriptures have become my guidance and direction when making decisions: 

 12 And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit. 

 13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; 

 14 And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.

i believe that for the most part--whatever it is we are seeking an answer for (majors, future spouses, careers, kids, where to live, which Target sandals to buy, etc.)--that if it fills our soul with joy, if it makes our wheels turn, if it keeps us thinking, excited, if it's something that makes you want to do good and be good, and we totally believe that we will receive an answer, then this is our answer! i mean, ultimately, doesn't it fit the previous criteria of the heart and the mind working together at the same time??

so, what's the take away? find those things that make you happy and enlighten you. be a chaser of light, and soon enough you'll find your answers and what you've been looking for. meanwhile, i'll be taking my own advice and let you know how it goes.

here we go!

ps on a totally unrelated note, i started a 

super silly tumblr with some doodles. check it out.

this is the day i write my manifesto.

this is the day i write my manifesto. the day that i promise myself to become more okay with departures, and welcoming of new souls into my life. this is the day that i will start becoming good at love--that i remember love is something i need to practice and nurture. to remember that i can't dull the pain, and expect to feel the freedom that love brings. because i know when i mute one feeling, i silence them all.

i will become more willing to embrace situations with no guarantees. to remember that i am grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means that i am alive! to be determined to do something that makes my palms sweaty, makes my voice shake, makes it hard to breathe, and makes my chest tighten--every day. to become comfortable with things that scare me. i want to embrace adventure, to seek the ever-changing horizon, but never to become reckless.

i want to rewrite my narrative, and not allow false messages to dictate my worth. i want courage to lace my feet, that they take me down correct paths more and more frequently, and more intuitively.

i want to allow my eyes to twinkle at new discoveries,

and not be too proud for amazement.

i want each body part to know and understand its unique worth, and it's integral part in making the rest of my body work; my eyes to know that even though they don't look or function like a nose, it doesn't make them bad, but different and irreplaceable. 

i want to love all of these things in myself, so i can more fully love them in others.

i don't want to hide from settling into pain--it is a natural part of life. instead, i will give pain permission to be a sign, reminding me that with pain comes beauty.

last of all, knowing that sometimes i will fall short, but remembering i am an individual capable of more than i've ever imagined. to do this all with grace and humility. to allow myself to laugh so hard and so often, that someday my face will be a testament to the beauty of life through my skin, wrinkled with memories of growth, heartache, and joy. this is my symphony.

on the moment you forget you're boiling an egg, and it pops.

i've been having a crisis as of late. not quarter-life. i already passed that one, with vagaries of life leading me to my current situation in arizona. now i'm having (was having) just an i'm-not-sure-who-i-am-anymore crisis. and let me tell you this: when you look for truth (read: pray for truth), be ready for the answers to accost you from all sides, no matter how contumaciously you fight to be independent, and individual. turns out you can still be independent and individual, and ask for help.

i was finding myself wondering who i was. it seems quite silly to talk about it in past tense, when this past tense was really recent--like two weeks ago. ANYWAY, why was i going down a path that had suddenly taken it's own life? why wasn't i doing the things that i loved to do anymore? i realized i hadn't: danced, played field hockey, learned a new non-church piano piece, read a fun book, painted or drawn, or really created anything in years! at one point in time, all of these things had once been part of my identity.(does anybody watch new girl? you know a few episodes ago when Winston's like...every decision in my life was made for me! they gave me a basketball when i was born! well, i was kind of feeling like that all of a sudden).

suddenly, serious anxiety took over my consciousness, and earnest prayer was the only way i knew how to find answers when the following series of events changed my life forever:

.5 this only gets a half bullet point because it doesn't really count, but was sort of the moment my wheels started turning. so, i watched the notebook and bawled my face off. i mean, i had liquids running from all over my face. but you know she discovers that she doesn't paint anymore, and then decides to go with noah? well it got me thinking about the list i created above. i didn't do the things that i loved anymore, the things that got my heart pumping! i mean, don't get me wrong, i love going to school and learning, but it's just not the same. okay, read on.

1. i read this discourse on resolutions and regrets for a discussion group. it reminded me that we are majestic, that we have godly heritage, and that we "arrive in this world...'trailing clouds of glory' from the premortal sphere." digest that for a second. the talk also reminded me that "we are capable of so much more. for that, good intentions are not enough. we must do."

1.5 i stumbled across the picture above. another small seemingly insignificant event.

2. i then attended an inspired conference for thousands of individuals. in the opening remarks, sheri dew (a woman i esteem and admire), was very raw and honest with us. her plenary guided us through some key events in her life where she was either lost, put in a difficult and stressful situation, or is still experiencing painful things outside of her control. and yet, with power and wisdom, she told us this: "when you know who you are, it changes you. figure out who you are, and it'll change your behavior. it'll change what you do, what you wear, who you date, who you're friends with, the way you treat your family, and the way you treat yourself."

3. the next day in the same conference, i had the opportunity to listen to stephanie nielson. heartbreak oozed out of her quivering voice as she told us a first-hand account of a tragic and painful plane crash she experienced. most shockingly to me, however, were the feelings of despair and depression she shared with us. her most intimate feelings when waking up from a 3.5 month coma after burning 85% of her body, were those of wanting to once again fulfill the measure of her role as a mother and wife. she longed to put baby carrots in her children's school lunches. she missed the fact that her dog would dig through the trash and eat up dirty diapers--and subsequently she would have to bend over, and clean it all up. she missed being able to care for her husband, and the dexterity and usefulness of her extremities. she told us that everything that was once her identity was completely stripped from her, even her physical appearance. it took her months to have the desire to live again. it took until she finally felt she knew who she was again--a mother, a wife, and a beautiful daughter of God.

4. alex boye (link to his hilarious music video), the biggest ball of energy you will ever get the privilege of knowing, also gave a stirring break-out session in which at the very end he exclaimed, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!" i thought to myself, what do i really know about myself? the rest of the day was quite a blur as i continued to write in a stream of consciousness the things that i knew to be true about brook dorff. it's a great exercise in gratitude, self-awareness, and potential!

5. i learned about the principle of belongingness (i've linked the oh-so-scientific source of wikipedia, but it's basic and will get the gist across. if you want to know more, ask me. i'll send you oodles of long, intense, and incredibly interesting articles). but the boiled down version is this: humans need to belong, and they need to know they are part of something greater. this creates motivation--motivation to be better, to not let others and ourselves down, and overall true joy and happiness.

and that was the moment for me. you know when you forget about your eggs boiling on the stove? it's been about an hour and you've been a multi-tasking fiend when all of a sudden you hear a giant inexplicable explosion and you take cover because you think someone is shooting at you? and almost at the same instant you duck, the lightbulb goes off: it's the egg you started to boil about an hour ago...

(from here)

by the time i read about belongingness, discouragement and unproductive emotions that lead to confusion and anxiety had basically all boiled away. i popped (like the boiling egg), and realized the giant thread in this all. that life's vicissitudes will not necessarily disappear entirely, but become much less daunting when we know: where we came from, that we belong, have individual purpose, and a unique set of gifts.

so there you have it. the longest blog post you'll read in a long time.

game on, life.

xoxo, with purpose,
brookie

"do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day"

i will always remember today, 11/12/13 for one thing:

the day i realized the old testament and slam poetry have absolutely everything in common. yep, you read that right.

you see, i've had this poem swirly twirling in the back of my mind the last few months (watch below, it's beautiful).

"this is for the fat girls

this one is for the little brothers

this is for the school-yard wimps, and for the childhood bullies that tormented them...

shake the dust...
...do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you
that your heart beats 900 times a day
and that there are enough gallons of blood
to make you an ocean.
do not settle for letting these waves settle
and the dust to collect in your veins."

-anis mojgani

as it turns out, shaking the dust is no respecter of persons. it's for just about anybody, in just about any circumstance. but what does shaking the dust really mean? anis tells us. it's running head-on with widespread arms into the face of life; often it's allowing things to flow into our beautifully pumping heart (that at times beats more consciously, audibly, and visibly than others). sometimes it's dangerous. sometimes it presents itself as pain. or vulnerability, love, and courage all wrapped into one giant beautiful composition of bright colors and pounding drums. we've all been there.

but here's where it gets better. isaiah (52:2) taught me this today: that shaking the dust means freeing ourselves from enslavement and captivity, quite literally.

"shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem:

loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion."

Isaiah 52:2

i learned that when we shake the dust, that we are actually just taking our rightful place. that we are being freed from enslavement, and claiming what's ours. we are quite literally standing up, (harlem) shaking the dust, and moving to a new, better place waiting for us to merely ask for it. that we are in fact running with widespread arms. that we are "grabbing the world by its clothespins...walk[ing] into [the world], and breath[ing] it" in the best way we know how.

so what's enslaving us? what's keeping us from shaking the dust?? how much dust have we allowed to accumulate on our beautiful bodies? and why?? do we believe we are enough? do we believe in growth?

i know i've had to take some painful introspective glances. do my accomplishments belie whats actually happening in my life? is my path productive, and am i really taking charge in every way that i can? i'm not sure that i am. but that's what this is all about, right?

basically, i'm saying this to myself as much as i am to anyone reading this. shake the dust! become free from your chains. do something that makes you scared and uncomfortable. recognize those places where you could shake the dust out of your lives. get out, and greet the world with open arms, and run like the wind.

someone knew you'd be traveling that way...

here i am, back from blogging oblivion. i don't know how long this will last, and it may be a one-time random occurrence. who knows.

yesterday, i was desperately trying to describe how i am feeling right now in this moment of my life to my best friend. the only analogy i came up with was i felt like i was getting my eye exam done. you know how sometimes while they're flipping heaven-knows-what in that magical chair of theirs, you know without a doubt which prescription or which option will give you the most clarity?? they're like, this one or this one? and you know for SURE it's the first one that's better. but then other times, i sit there, and they have to do it a couple times for me, and i think--IS THIS  A TRICK QUESTION? i get all confused, and second-guess myself, and make a choice in haste because i feel like the answer should be obvious but it really isn't. they always give me the cop out by saying, "...or about the same?" i mean, what does that even mean?!?! if they're about the same, why are you giving me two options??? but then i still have no solid answer. and the worst part is this: that i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i wont be able to see for the next year or two until my next appointment!

or maybe i'm the only looney person who thinks that much about eye appointments. but i take everything i do mostly seriously, and it for reals gives me anxiety. that being said, i feel like right now that's where i'm at! i feel like so many things have been so incredibly clear to me: move to arizona, do the masters' program, live here, go to india, do this, do that. there are so many moments that have been crystal clear. mind you, some clarity has come just in the knick (i actually don't know which kind of nick should be put here so i'm putting both) of time--like moving to arizona in august of 2011 to start only a few days later. but still, they were at one point or another, absolute moments of vision and clarity. but then, it seems like lately, i'm at the end of my eye exam when it starts to get hard, and mucky, and it's all starting to look the same. i'm second-guessing my previous decisions (despite at one point knowing they were what i needed to do), and i'm certainly in the dark as to where i should go next.

well, all of this was swirling around in my head the last week or two, when yesterday, i was looking for some glitter pens (what, you don't use those anymore?! i sure do!). i found this gem hiding in my folder of papers, pictures, and magazine pages i've collected since i was about 12:

which seemed to be nothing but heaven-sent. and then, i decided to "randomly" read one of my top three favorite BYU speeches of all time by elder gong (go read it!!), because i hadn't read it for a while, and there was the clarity all over again, explaining the unexplained:

"Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Teaches President Boyd K. Packer:

Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew that you would be traveling that way. [“Spiritual Crocodiles,” Ensign, May 1976, 31]

On occasion, in unexpected places, I have been grateful—as you have been—to find such provisions."

there was my own personal provision that had been set in the most unexpected place and time waiting for me to discover it. it was the perfect "good game" pat on my butt to help me keep going, and even make decisions about my future.

basically what i'm trying to say is this: keep at it. don't get discouraged. as a matter of fact, have courage, and stand by 1) the feelings you've had (even if they don't make sense, or didn't play out the way you thought they would in your head), and the 2) direction you feel you've been given. because when you do, you'll all of a sudden find those provisions, those little bread crumbs saying you're doing just fine, and you'll have that vision you've been seeking become clear all over again.

alright, that's all folks. love you all.

xoxo, brookie

departures and insights

one of the smiles i will miss the most...

here i sit, half a world away from my dear india. to be honest, i never thought this day would happen and now that it's here, i wish it weren't.

on the flight home, i watched a film, the best exotic marigold hotel. it was beautiful, hilarious, and one of the more accurate descriptions of india i've found. my favorite quote from there was when one of the characters says:

"can there be anywhere else in the world that is such an assault on the senses? those who know the country well just go about their business. but nothing prepares the uninitiated for this riot of noise and color--for the heat, the motion. the perpetual teeming crowds...initially you're overwhelmed. but gradually you realize it's like a wave. resist and you'll be knocked over. dive into it, and you'll swim out on the other side."

now, i am utterly alone sitting in an insipid airport with one or two stragglers walking past me about every 20 minutes--if i'm lucky. the singular, banal noise is the elevator music softly buzzing, with no symbiosis of life, traffic, animals, gabbar singh streaming from three separate cell phones, and someone yelling "madame" to get my attention. all the passersby wear neutrals and minimal adornments, and i find myself absolutely bored and heartbroken. i keep thinking of all the people who made me promise i wouldn't forget them. and the people who said they'd sell everything they had to help us come back. the only thing that seems to assuage my unexplainable vulnerability and anxiety is the thought of going back to india soon, but even that is uncertain. in life i've learn to expect the unexpected.

...but i digress. i've already written a sappy love note to india. so instead, i'm going to make a running list of what the last week has taught me through my ridiculous bout with the indian government and trying to leave the country. maybe someday i'll have the courage to write a little about how india overall has changed me....but at this point, it's not likely.

so here, it is, ladies and gentlemen--what this last week (read: trying to escape india!) has taught me:

1. first and foremost, i've learned that i relate more easily to a couple in their sixties than most people my age. i could have stayed up all night talking to the sweet welfare missionaries about: GPS systems and geocaching, astrology and telescopes, genealogy, geeking out about tandem bikes, talking about camping and wilderness survival, and so many other way more interesting things. i have so much to learn from those with more experience and wisdom, including my wonderful parents. which leads me to....
2. my parents are beautiful, wonderful, wise, loving people who would do anything for me. what a blessing i have in my life, when i've seen and met those whose parents don't even want them. mine stayed up all night praying for me, no matter what time it was, and updating individuals at 4 in the morning who i'm sure really didn't care as much as they did. these guys can tell from my "hello" if i'm happy or on the verge of hysterics. which leads me to....(man i'm good at these transitions!)
3. i've learned that as much as i think i'm in control of my emotions, and i make the "sour face" until my face turns blue, i burst out crying at wildly inappropriate times, and i burst out laughing at equally inappropriate times. basically i'm 5 years old and 65 years old at the same time.
4. i've learned that there is power in voices. voices that are raised up to heaven in my (and others') behalf, voices that call and comfort me, voices who have a meaningful conversation with me, voices who obstreperously contacted the FRRO and west marredpally police incessantly, and voices who softly, kindly, and consistently told me it'd all be okay, that they love me, to please come back to india, and that, despite their beliefs, asked that "God be with me."
5. i've learned that we are always watched over, and that there is a plan for us. in the height of my troubles, there was a lot of sitting and waiting. i decided to start preparing for my talk i'll be giving at home about india, and read one thing that lead to another and another and another which eventually lead me to a page in the scriptures about courage. i couldn't help but feel all at once that i was not alone as i read a compilation of every scripture relating to courage:

be not afraid...God is with thee

be strong and of a good courage

be thou strong and very courageous

she was steadfastly minded to go

let no man's heart fail...thy servant will go and fight

be ye valiant

deal courageously and the Lord shall be with the good

he thanked God, and took courage

God hath not given us the spirit of fear

his heart began to take courage

never had i seen so great courage

courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory

i'm grateful beyond understanding for india, and hope to return there as soon as possible. here's hoping to jumping right back into "real life" here in the states, so i can quickly be cured of my broken-heartedness and perceivable boredom of the senses. 

one of the more popular sayings in india is:

"everything will be alright in the end.

and if it's not alright, it's not the end."

xo,

brookie

so here i am....

and so it is. my time is quickly wrapping up here in india, and i am nothing but a weepy mess. i hardly make it though almost getting run over by a rickshaw, getting freaked out by a cow, or get smothered in line at the grocery store, without getting all teary knowing those things that drive me nuts are the things i'll be missing the most.

truth is, i was really sad to leave the states. i knew this would be a life-changing experience and many things would be different when i got back--whether it was the people/environment back at home that was different, or the new lenses with which i saw the world that was different. this has happened many times before, where i experience changes or growth in ways unique to my situations and things are never quite the same when i "return" (read this post about my thoughts on home). i thought that i'd miss the: camping, bonfires, food, outdoor concerts, hiking, slurpees, staying out late, breaking into swimming pools, and late night chats listening to the crickets and watching the stars. i thought that my heart would yearn for those things, but the truth is, i hardly missed those at all (minus some food).

this place, as i've said many times before, is indescribable. it permeates everything about you, and you can't help but fall in love with its idiosyncrasies and abrasiveness. the character everything has here and the love that you feel penetrating is undeniable as you walk down the street and everyone smiles.

in the last week, i've had the opportunity to see and many different people whether it be the rickshaw drivers or individuals in the slums. all of them have touched my heart deeply as they've expressed their gratitude for our group of interns coming "all the way from america to serve our people." they've told us "thank you for thinking of us poor people who the government doesn't even recognize as individuals" and i can't help but get emotional every time i hear that. i have tried to express to them that their love and hospitality has meant the world to me, but what i really want to share with them is that they are not invisible. they mean something to me and have left me remembering them nightly in my prayers. they have each meant something to the interns on my team. they have meant something to the individuals who, as lame as this sounds, witness pieces of their life on facebook. and they will never be forgotten to our heavenly father, who created and loves us all.

i have mixed feelings about returning, but am starting to realize that i'll leave a little bit of my heart here in india, and have it replaced in my own heart with a patchwork of bedazzled bangles, brightly colored silks, in-your-face curries, shouts of "MADAME!" and the endearing sing-songing of "welcomeeee" (instead of saying "you're welcome").

until the next time, india.

xo, brookie

"for as long as we have voices..."

“in the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. in the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely,

for as long as we have voices.” 

-elizabeth gilbert

in the last four weeks (and quite frankly, the whole summer), i have been the incredulous and truly awestruck recipient of the most wonderful service, support, love, and friendship from so many people. i am not particularly known for being short on words, but i honestly fall short when it comes to my ability to express my wonder and the depth of my gratitude for the countless ways that numberless individuals have made me feel so thoroughly loved these last few weeks, both in my indian adventure, and more specifically the bore-well project (for those of you who don't know, we successfully met our funding goal).

with giant glittery tears falling around me, i'd like, for as long as i have my voice, to sing my sincere thanks. it's been a blessing, and i almost feel out of place being able to witness both sides of the beautiful tapestry of interconnectedness and love--those all around the world who hold pieces of my heart, those whose lives did not interweave with mine until now, and the 10,000 individuals who we are serving, who have remarkably done more than their share of the work but are still so grateful. i feel privileged to know the hearts and souls who have come together to contribute, support our team, share the word, listen to my beating heart as i struggled, worried, and processed, all equally as important. and i feel almost as if i don't deserve the outstanding privilege to be able to see first-hand the impact that it will make. 

to those who i know personally:

it has been said that, "we can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." you are all my treasures, and i have never felt more alive. 

i recognize you each have your own burdens, heartache, and difficulties. your selflessness and kindness overwhelms and humbles me. 

this experience has been nothing short of divine and magical, and for that, i will be forever grateful. 

thank you from our team, thank you from our partner/community members, and thank you from the bottom of my squishy little red-headed, dance-loving, indian-smelling, half-chilean heart.

much love from india,

brookie

all prayers go to heaven

prayers tied on a tree at a temple in hampi, india
each prayer is left there to be remembered by all those who see it
(photo credit: katrina nelson)

i took a trauma class this last semester in my grad program, and we spent a long time talking about a term we coined: "trauma olympics."

basically, it explains the phenomenon of some traumas or pains being greater than others. people believe that their own pain is infinitely worse than someone else's so why are they complaining? or the complete opposite response of which i am more familiar--individuals thinking that their pain is nothing compared to anothers' so they have no reason to be sad or to complain.

while i've been here in india i have been humbled by people's stories and hardships. i receive strength daily from the resilient people who surround me. some people i will never see again, however the five minutes in which they blessed and enriched my life will never be something i forget. either i can't imagine the pain they've experienced, the injustice they've encountered, or life obstacles i couldn't even begin to pretend to understand.

see, the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable, and even sad, is when i have a friend or family member who starts an email or phone conversation with: "i know it's not as bad as what you've seen in india, but..." or "i've had a hard week, but i guess i shouldn't complain because it's not as hard as the people you see in india," etc.

i guess what i've realized here in india is that the trauma olympics make less and less sense to me. i share my experiences so that people who may want to read about them will be motivated to change and maybe experience gratitude and a slew of other emotions; however, i don't want those same individuals to undermine their own suffering and pain. i want people to realize that their own trauma, tears shed, and heartache are just as real as another's.

we all have times in our life when we need a little lifting. everyone can probably think of one aspect of their life that can use some extra prayers whether it be death, trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, mending relationships, schooling, making big decisions, needing help to become more social, or whatever physical ailment may at one point or another bother us. we all have prayers that need to be sent to heaven. please recognize that even if sometimes you may feel small or insignificant, i want you all to know that they all get to the same place at the same speed. all prayers go to heaven (or whatever you believe), and everyone needs love.

xo

prayer rags on a tree in hampi, india...
people leave them for specific purposes and prayers that need to be remembered and heard
(photo credit: katrina nelson on my team)

indelible footprints

a few months back, i heard someone say,

"you'll find as you're changing the world, you're changing yourself."

i did not come to india to change the world, nor do i pretend to think that i have any impact on the entire world. i realize that i am small and a mere simple girl with little to no reach. as a matter of fact, the more i travel, the smaller i feel. the more i realize how much there is that exists on this earth, and how many individual lives with individual heartbeats and breaths surround us.

the first few days the volunteers are here (they finally got here on thursday!!), my co-director and i have some great "exposure visits" planned with each organization we've worked with in the past. this includes seeing HIV/AIDS clinics, slums, leprosy colonies, "bridge schools," gardening projects, and meeting indigenous people of india who may be displaced due to a dam(n) dam being built. needless to say, i have had and will have some incredible experiences in the next/last 10 days.

the first of these which took place on thursday. it was the day our volunteers got into town (at 3am nonetheless), so we wanted to start off with something simple. turns out, i can't stop thinking about it, and probably never will. one of the organizations we work with, MV Foundation, runs what is called a "bridge camp." there are millions of child laborers here in india--both those born into it, sold into it, and taken into it. the child laborers cover everything from the stuff you buy at walmart, to sex slavery, to precious pearls and gold. sometimes, if a child has the opportunity, they can escape the life in which they are enslaved because of different reasons. however positive this is, it is also a bad thing because once they leave, they are often left with no family, no means for food or housing, and certainly no opportunity to marry with no dowry or family to present them. without these things, the public schools wont accept them (even though the government "regulates" that everyone is to be accepted), and these children not only fall behind the people their age, but have no chance of catching up and eventually go back to their old livelihoods and lifestyles.

what a bridge school does, then, is bridge the gap between what they missed through not being in school, and create opportunities for education for boys and girls. on top of that, they give them somewhere to live, family, job skills, social skills, and an address so they can apply for school.

we had the opportunity to visit one such school here in the outskirts of Hyderabad, and i will never forget it. we only got to go into one classroom, but these girls gave me so much strength and have left indelible footprints on my heart. i will never forget their faces, the hope, and the enthusiasm in which they spoke, listened, learned, and sang. these girls were so proud of the body parts they learned in english. they were so proud of the pronouns, the math, their little chalk boards in which they wrote all of their assignments, and they had every right to be proud. they had every right to be beaming, because they had an opportunity, actually a human right, all of a sudden granted: education, and freedom.

before we left, they wanted to sing a song for us. i will leave you with that. to see pictures from the experience, you can see my fb pictures here. the song they sang is in telugu, the national language in AP (the state). they talk about how no one will ever take their freedom from them. they proclaim and shout that they have the right to learn and to become whatever they desire to become (most want to be educators, doctors, and engineers). they talk about how they are the future generation. i was very emotional as i heard them sing with vigor, with nothing but pure determination on their smiling faces.

enjoy.
ps. read our team country blog here

love quotes and favorite pictures

going on a walk in draper, ut

santa cruz, ca sunset

in provo watching fireworks for pioneer day

scars

to be alive at all is to have scars.

-john steinbeck

as I am studying in my program and contemplating the suffering of many types of people around the world, i am realizing more and more the reality of this quote. we are often asked to contemplate the question: what is universal? what has no bounds? what is absolutely inalienable?

is love universal?

is suffering universal?

the more critically i think about these things that are intrinsically ours, the more i realize my heart is being opened to understand and love those around me. they say the more we work in this field, the less full our proverbial glass is....

and yet, that has led me to ask: who is drinking out of that glass? where is that second straw coming from? (as my professor so eloquently put it) maybe if our glass is less full, maybe if we have a different view on things that aren't all glitter and rainbows, we are more easily able to appreciate life, and fill our glass with those things that mean the most?

just a little stream of consciousness....

it's like those kissing salt shakers...

anybody who knows anything about me knows i absolutely am enamored with love. the thing is, i go through these periods in life when i think i've completely learned to understand every aspect of love, and then BAM i get smacked in the face with something entirely new, only to re-discover it's glory in a whole new meaning.


...but i digress. i'll leave you with these words from some author from the interwebzz. what is it about love that just makes us keep going back?! you know, the boys that when you see their name light up on your phone, give you butterflies, and you spend a good ten minutes trying to come up with a good response, and the best you end up with is: "ok :)." can't live with it, can't live without it.

"...scenes with the two of them that made me happy even if the characters were miserable because even when they were miserable together, it was better for them than when they were apart. there’s that thing about falling in love where you know it’s a mistake and you’re too damn smart to do that again, but it’s just THERE, your heart beats faster when you see him, he smiles the minute he sees you, and even when it’s awful, even when you swear never again, you have to go back. it’s like those kissing salt shakers with magnets in their mouths, you just have to click together."

i took this in santa cruz last november

missing...

i have so many things to say lately...

i still have all of my thoughts on love that i never shared

and i learned so much on my travels to vietnam.

take this as an introduction to my future thoughts that are about to derail and unload.

i realized this last trip, that there were so many people in my life that i wished had seen something there with me. maybe someone i thought needed to see a deserted beach (that they thought i'd get kidnapped from), or someone needed to come see all the glorious silk scarves and gorgeous colors, or someone i KNEW would love the musical/dance production.

then, i came home and saw this quote, and knew it was meant to be. i juxtaposed my new favorite quote, with a picture that i took in vietnam looking out in to cat ba in a heart-shaped coral rock. funny how every place i fall in love with, there is something that is heart-shaped. maybe it should be a new project?? 

Christmas

here i am in Cupertino. this place smells, feels like, and looks like home. it is home to me. i've had a lovely time being with my family, and remanscing about beautiful and hilarious times we've had with just the three of us.

i've been thinking about lot about Christmas, and what it means to me, and in all honesty, i think it all comes down to love. us needing, sharing, understanding, and living love in our lives, and the only way to be able to gain more and more for even those we may not want to love is through Christ.

i hope you've all had a gorgeous Christmas, and that you've all been able to soak up all the warm fuzzies Christmas has to offer. hopefully you've filled your heart (and stomach) so you feel like if you sit around any longer you might explode, and hopefully you can find more ways to love others.

this video made me cry (although sometimes it doesn't take a lot to make me cry haha). the simple little 3-min video combined: the weepies, BYU's modern dance program, and modern dance, all of which are my favorites. click on the link to see his actual Web site (and the making-of which is inspiring!!!!), but for now just enjoy the video.

love, warm fuzzies, and cold noses,
xoxo
brookie*

can't get enough of love

i've decided to commandeer the title of "love advocate."

it seems i can't get enough of it lately.

finding love(ly) tunes, melodies, movies, clips, pictures, etc.

here are two of my latest favorite clips:

1. stardust. (sorry michelle, i know you dislike this movie, but this may be the best monologue on love that ever did exist. i dare you to find better--if you do, leave it in my comments). yvaine, a star, confesses her love to her travel buddy....

2. this sweet trailer for upcoming movie "restless." i have to admit, it looks a little cheesy/weird (okay he has a friend that's a japanese ghost), but i looooove the line at the end. you're lying to me if you say you haven't ever felt like that.

xoxo
ps. i couldn't wait until 11:11 tonight to post this, so i'm doing 2:09 (which adds up to 11)

relations with ships, day 3

i am juice-less for good titles today.

today's "class" was on relationships, mostly focusing on intimate ones. i soaked up every second of it because it's something i've been working on and gathering lately. gathering like people in the kalahari desert gather roots for water. i have seriously been thirsting after what i can do, who i can become, and how i can better my current relationships and ideals on love.

the format from what i learned from this lesson will be entirely scatter-brained so i will list the most excellent points, in no particular order. the first bullet will be the quote/note i took. the indented bullet beneath will be my very own thoughts. lucky you! 

1. with regard to current relationships, if you want out of one, you associate pain with staying in it. if you want in, you associate pain with leaving. relationships are about emotional associations. we don't respond to life itself. we respond to what we associate with life (or the situation). 

   a. not much i can add to this

2. relationships should be about unlimited giving and sharing. the second you start measuring what you or they've done, it becomes a transaction.

   a. this is something that i practice when dating (not in real relationships, however i haven't been in a "real" one for a long time.....but when dating, i tend to measure who invited who last. who texted last. who texted first. is it my "turn?" this for me has been hard to balance, because unfortunately we can't be too over-eager during the game phase, which stinks. i wish i could just spend time with them when i wanted to, text them if i felt like it without having to worry if i'm "being too much" or who did it last? this mentality has temporarily ruined me. because i've been in the game for so long, without this beautiful reminder, i may have gotten into a relationship and entirely forgotten that it's no about keeping tabs. it's about unlimited love, sharing, and giving.

3. no quote.

   a. he had us write a list of what we are looking for (and identifying our "musts") and what we need to be to attract that. the funny thing is that i recently went through all almost-three-hundred of my posts and created a "tag cloud" on the side for your viewing pleasure and my own sanity. as i was going through each of my posts, i ran across some gems, and these two in particular that relate to my assignments. WARNING: I CREATED THESE YEARS AGO. a letter "to my perfect man" describing him, and a funny resumé of myself. interestingly enough, the letter to my perfect man is still my perfect man, but i have some different things added, and i'm not nearly as cheesy as i was before. the resumé of myself has changed a bit as my priorities, passions, ideas, and hobbies have changed. fun to see that about myself, and good to know my ideas about who i want to end up with haven't changed with where the wind has blown me. 

   b. my one beef with the list thing: people get too stuck on it. i completely agree with him when he says that to attract what you want, you have to know what you want and what you have to become. completely agree. however, when "musts" on the list are physical traits, or ridiculously specific (like "he has to have gone to at least 23 countries and one of them has to be kenya), that is immature in my opinion. thoughts?? i used to have physical traits on my list when i was 19, but i realized with time, that as long as i was attracted to someone (sure, i have a type, but some of my favorite people i've dated haven't met my "type" at all), physical stuff can grow...

4. make a list of your "magic moments" big and small. ask yourself, "what do i love about them?" then go over the magic moments with your companion. 

   a. i LOOOOVE this point! i used to do this all the time with the last guy i dated (again, i've forgotten about this because i've been so out of relationship-practice), and i promise you it works! magic moments can be big or small--from a fleeting smile or cute text, to big important celebrations and dates remembered. 

all i can say is, this has been a wonderful reminder and refresher course. through my searching in finding and figuring out what love is,

i've learned this: love is a muscle, and a skill.

my sweet grandparents who have used the love muscle long enough...they're like love body-builders!
viña del mar, chile

if it is not exercised, it can quickly atrophy, and when used, seems to become the fountain of youth. you must practice and refine it, just as you must your body, playing the piano, or getting good at algebra, and when you do reach that point of being able to love and give freely (whether it is intimate or not), you will experience the "fountain of youth" effect. <--this was going to be a topic of one of my "love" blog posts, but i'll just leave it at that.

think about it. 

pain and pleasure, day 2

i can already tell a huge change this program has made in my life. i feel myself realizing that i am not fulfilling my dreams. i see myself settling for those things that are mundane and mediocre, without a way of getting out of the daily rut. this has come at a perfect time for me to make huge changes in my life.

it's been great to learn from someone who uses real-life examples to help us change, and i've loved every second, no matter how embarrassing or painful my realizations have come to me.

one thing that tony talked about in day two (it was split up into two days, so i just combined it in one post), is how what drives us to change to make big decisions and to run after our dreams. the two things he identifies as things that drive us in life are:
pain and pleasure.

one of the times in my life i've experienced the most pain--emotionally and physically
man, i look scary!! circa early 2008, burst appendix and burst heart (so dramatic!)
....but man did it move me into action!

see, he talks about how until we experience one of those emotions, we tell ourselves lies and stories. we tell ourself that we: "don't have enough time," "need breaks," "might lose someone if we tell the complete truth," etc. (those are all my own personal excuses i wrote down during an exercise). think about how many huge decisions you've made in your life? have you made a big decision to change your health habits (sleeping, eating, exercising) because of something painful someone said to you? have you changed the way you treat others because of something wonderful someone did to you?

i identified a few key points in my life where i wanted results, and decided to examine and understand maybe why i haven't made changes. why haven't i moved toward the solution, and just moved away from the problem? through that exercise, i was able to cause some pain (examining my own beliefs on why i'm too chicken to do something, why i've been frustrated or sad with a certain outcome in my job, relationships, and physical goals), and it's caused me to move. i've decided to become a mover and a shaker.

sure, there may be opposition that shows up to stop me masked as love, but i feel that now i know how to overcome that, and i am ready to achieve all that i was made to achieve. i will change my belief system, because whether i believe i can or i can't, i am RIGHT.

xoxo
brook
ps. follow along on richard's blog to read about other people going through the same program.