how NOT to score a wife 101

dear males,

if you intend on marrying someone, please do not mimic the following story that I had the "privilege" of experiencing. girls do not like tools. thanks!


Once upon a time, there was a single girl that people set up on blind dates. People that would set her up on these blind dates did not think anything through. Either that or they didn't have a high opinion of her. She would be set up with boys because she was a single girl living in Utah, and people knew a single boy who lived in Utah, without any consideration for other important things. But that is beside the point.

This one particular instance, she was being set up on a blind date with a boy we'll call snowboarder. Snowboarder was, well, a snowboarder. He thought he was really cool and as the evening progressed, single girl slowly discovered that snowboarder wasn't in fact cool. When he first picked her up from her house, he seemed like a kind, attractive young man, but unfortunately his "true colors" were about to manifest themselves.

Upon seating themselves in the car (don't worry, he didn't open the door for her--something that she had come to expect after dating a boy for five months who opened her door for all five months....and then some), they decided upon eating at a Thai restaurant that neither had eaten at before. Both enjoyed good food, and decided to be adventurous. Conversation was small talk, as it should be within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone. It took a suddenly drastic turn.

As soon as they were seated at the quaint restaurant, snowboarder asked her what sort of things she likes to do for fun. After answering cordially, she returned the question, and snowboarded proceeded to talk about him self for the remainder of the time. It was soon discovered that he loved to do some very unique things, including "beating the *insert curse word that starts in "s" here* out of dudes" while fighting, and "kicking *insert "a" word here*" on the slopes. I'm surprised, er, SHE was surprised he didn't mention loving to talk about himself.....While he went on an on using his impressive vocabulary, the waitress returned to ask how their food was tasking. After a few deep, dramatic breaths, he turned to their adorable Thai waitress, and said to her something along the lines of "are you serious? can't you see we're talking here??" Thoroughly embarrassed, single girl apologized to the waitress, told her the food (and not the company) was exquisite, and thank you very much.

After a long conversation, it was finally time to leave, and single girl couldn't wait to be away from the company of snowboarder. When snowboarder passed her freeway exit, she questioned what he was doing, and he said they would be going on a romantic drive up Alpine Loop, as he was "feelin' it." Appalled, single girl asked snowboarder to get off at the next exit, and take her home. He obliged, and took her home. Wanting to just get away from the clutches of misery (okay, maybe a little dramatic), she escaped the car as quickly as possible, saying "Thanks," but snowboarder followed her to the door for a doorstep scene. Thinking he was going for a hug, she put her arms out, and his head suddenly dipped to her 5'1'' frame to try and give her a kiss. She shoved her face into his oblique and muttered a quick "thanks" while going inside as quickly as she could. Single girl went inside and told her roommates and parents all about the horrific date she had just experienced, when she received a text message from snowboarder saying "Thanks, I had such a great time. I can't wait until we go out again."

Needless to say, she did not respond to any of the proceeding texts or phone calls. Do you blame her?


Logg said...

I feel you could have left of the 'a wife' part and simply titled this "how not to score 101."
Cause this is textbook.
Although, as a single and good looking (and looking!) male, I think I'd find more use out of a "how to score a wife 101"
Heaven knows I need a lot of help.

Liz said...

Dude, how did I not know this story. He needs to hang out with my blind date peeps. Epic.

Darrell said...

this is tragically funny.

And if I ever so much as come close to doing any one of the things that snowboarder did, may a pile of bricks fall on my head and squish me.

Viviana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Viviana said...

This should be titled "why not to set up people on blind dates" when you really don't know one of them at all!!

Megan said...

I once had an acquaintance ask me out and then make fun of me during the entire date. I thought to myself, "Thank goodness there is absolutely no chemistry between us so he won't ask me out again." He proceeded to ask me out for a second date for about 6 months before finally giving up. He and Snowboarder should be friends.

Katie King said...

I do not blame "her" at all!!! DANG!!!!!!!! I'm sorry that happened. I never liked blind dates because no one ever knows what I really need. Good luck!!!

MissKris said...

Oh Brook. Don't you know the only necessary thing to have in common is to both be single? hahaha seems like Snowboarder thought so. You would THINK that living in UT, snowboarder would know better than to pull out the cuss words on the first date. But i suppose that IS assuming he's "thinking."
classy guy.

David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

I was going to share a story about a blind date regarding myself, but I don't want to talk about me. :) I'm so sorry, anonymous girl. That's rough. Good job denying the romantic Alpine Loop. I bet he drove a truck.

Christy said...

Wow. Really? Boys these days... waht is that matter with them.

rebecca said...

oh the nerve of some people. what a grade a tool.

Martha said...

Oh my heck. I love this! You're life should be turned into a sitcom with all of your dating stories. But seriously.

Evaly said...

At least he gave you a good story to tell :) You are so funny! Congratulations on going to the temple- that's awesome.

Mallory said...

He sounds like the definition of a sweet bro and also a tool, as everyone seems to agree. I've been giving some thought lately to how it never ceases to shock me that American young adults use swear words, partcularly the F word SO...OFTEN...in.the.place.of.any.other.word. Like really? Do you think you should say you kick a#$ on a snowboard or could you put any more thought into an adjective that could describe your "skills"? Oh, is tha really a $h*^$y driver? Are you F%&$*#& angry? Expand your vocabulary! Puh-lease! I'm done now.