11.16.2010

i need more heart real estate

sometimes, just sometimes, i feel as if i am so overwhelmed.
but not like stressed out, or i have too much to do or anything, that rarely happens.


i feel like my heart is overwhelmed. i feel as if i have no more physical space for any sort of emotions, and i feel like i don't have the right ideas, feelings, emotions, or words to synthesize what is going on. maybe it's not that i don't have the right ones, maybe it's just that i just have too many.


feelings take over me, and i feel like i need to make room for more to pour in. i can't take it all in, and i start these soliloquies in which i have to figure what i'm even feeling. i need to just take a deep breath, and hope that some heart real estate (HR) clears up for me to use all of my brain real estate (BR) productively.


see, the problem with my very own HR and BR, is that they often disagree. i tend to lean towards my BR because it is logical. it always makes sense, and i can count on its ever-present logic model. x always equals y. i like formulas and steps, and my precious BR has so many formulas etched into its crevasses that i could never go wrong. 


then all of a sudden my HR steps in, and introduces exceptions to all my BR has learned to understand, and my homeostatic state suddenly becomes interrupted. my poor little heart fights to be heard over the overwhelming BR, and i quickly find myself needing more room to take it all in. taking in my circumstances--understanding whether i'm feeling love or friendship; understanding if i'm happy or content; understanding that often others' opinions will diffuse my own, and i must not always listen to what others say; understanding why someone would mistake my good intention for something hurtful; understanding that it's sometimes okay to miss people so much your heart aches, and that this is all part of this glorious experience we call life.


so cheers to allowing my heart to grow, and sometimes be heard.
cheers to figuring out when it's okay for x not to equal y, and to sometimes being completely irrational.

8 comments:

eden said...

i like this post. i'm not entirely sure i understand it all... but i like it. (:

i also love that it was posted at 11:11, and since i missed the actual time 11:11, i took the liberty of making a wish on this blog post.

it was good talking to you tonight. (:

Viviana said...

This makes perfect sense and I understand better how a heart grows. I am one who has felt heart ache because I have missed you and for the longest time I could not understand that it was part of life, but this makes me feel better knowing that my heart was just doing what it is supposed to do - to grow! - Love you.

Alexandra said...

Ah brookie cookie. I have too reminisced this past week if I'm perhaps too logical sometimes. It seems like a lot of other people float along in a la-la state of following mostly their heart and I am grinding along with my head.
glad to know I'm not the only one!!

thatonegirl said...

Brook,
I love your philosophical side. My logic and heart tend to argue more than anything else. Being completely irrational is sometimes fantastic :)
I love you and I look forward to the day when you find someone who deserves your HR

Lalis said...

Hey, I'm all for being irrational as long as you can you use words like "homeostatic" :)

brook said...

you all are always so insightful and give me so much strength! thank you thank you thank you.
seriously
ps. eden. all (most) of my posts have been at 11:11 if you've noticed :) it's my lucky number....

eden said...

okay... i'm a little slow. i love that you post at 11:11. i guess i just noticed it because i really needed a wish that night. (: and it seemed an appropriate post to wish on.

David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

I love the math references... I can't help but to be a very analytical thinker so that my mind (or brain) real estate nearly always wins over. I'm working on expanding my hear real estate in a major way.