3.05.2013

someone knew you'd be traveling that way...

here i am, back from blogging oblivion. i don't know how long this will last, and it may be a one-time random occurrence. who knows.

yesterday, i was desperately trying to describe how i am feeling right now in this moment of my life to my best friend. the only analogy i came up with was i felt like i was getting my eye exam done. you know how sometimes while they're flipping heaven-knows-what in that magical chair of theirs, you know without a doubt which prescription or which option will give you the most clarity?? they're like, this one or this one? and you know for SURE it's the first one that's better. but then other times, i sit there, and they have to do it a couple times for me, and i think--IS THIS  A TRICK QUESTION? i get all confused, and second-guess myself, and make a choice in haste because i feel like the answer should be obvious but it really isn't. they always give me the cop out by saying, "...or about the same?" i mean, what does that even mean?!?! if they're about the same, why are you giving me two options??? but then i still have no solid answer. and the worst part is this: that i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i wont be able to see for the next year or two until my next appointment!

or maybe i'm the only looney person who thinks that much about eye appointments. but i take everything i do mostly seriously, and it for reals gives me anxiety. that being said, i feel like right now that's where i'm at! i feel like so many things have been so incredibly clear to me: move to arizona, do the masters' program, live here, go to india, do this, do that. there are so many moments that have been crystal clear. mind you, some clarity has come just in the knick (i actually don't know which kind of nick should be put here so i'm putting both) of time--like moving to arizona in august of 2011 to start only a few days later. but still, they were at one point or another, absolute moments of vision and clarity. but then, it seems like lately, i'm at the end of my eye exam when it starts to get hard, and mucky, and it's all starting to look the same. i'm second-guessing my previous decisions (despite at one point knowing they were what i needed to do), and i'm certainly in the dark as to where i should go next.

well, all of this was swirling around in my head the last week or two, when yesterday, i was looking for some glitter pens (what, you don't use those anymore?! i sure do!). i found this gem hiding in my folder of papers, pictures, and magazine pages i've collected since i was about 12:


which seemed to be nothing but heaven-sent. and then, i decided to "randomly" read one of my top three favorite BYU speeches of all time by elder gong (go read it!!), because i hadn't read it for a while, and there was the clarity all over again, explaining the unexplained:


"Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Teaches President Boyd K. Packer:
Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew that you would be traveling that way. [“Spiritual Crocodiles,” Ensign, May 1976, 31]
On occasion, in unexpected places, I have been grateful—as you have been—to find such provisions."

there was my own personal provision that had been set in the most unexpected place and time waiting for me to discover it. it was the perfect "good game" pat on my butt to help me keep going, and even make decisions about my future.

basically what i'm trying to say is this: keep at it. don't get discouraged. as a matter of fact, have courage, and stand by 1) the feelings you've had (even if they don't make sense, or didn't play out the way you thought they would in your head), and the 2) direction you feel you've been given. because when you do, you'll all of a sudden find those provisions, those little bread crumbs saying you're doing just fine, and you'll have that vision you've been seeking become clear all over again.

alright, that's all folks. love you all.

xoxo, brookie

5 comments:

Katrina said...

This was perfect brookie, thank you.

Mami said...

I will put this in my page and also print it for when I feel that my options are rather confusing. I admire your faith and courage for all you do daily! Where did you get your wisdom!? I suppose I have always known that you came this way! - perfect! You have always been that child/daughter that came with an eye for wisdom, perfection, charity, clarity for others. I needed this just as much as you did and since I cannot figure it out, I wait for you to post these gems! -- love you more!

Lora said...

The eye exam analogy made me laugh - I do that, too! I hate the end of an eye exam for those sames reasons! This is good advice - thanks for sharing. And you are awesome, keep it up :)

gaijindude said...

I love the analogy!
Sounds like Nephi, who went forth by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which he should do. (1 Nephi 4:6).

He knew what his mid and end goals were (follow the Spirit, get the plates, fulfill commandments, eternal life), but not the what his current steps would encounter (Zoram, a drunk Laban).

Leighann said...

The eye exam analogy was perfect! And here i thought i was the weird one who always stressed about that part of the exams. You're the best.