microwaves zuck

i've recently learned a few things about myself.

1. i dislike microwaves
2. microwaves dislike me

here's the thing. i've never really had good luck with those dumb things. honestly, though, i'll probably live longer than all you people who stand in front of them while nuking your food into oblivion. want a few examples as to why we don't get along??

one time when i was still in elementary school, i was asked to warm up the mashed potatoes after being handed a nice large bowl straight from the refrigerator. me being the obedient child i was, i stuck the whole thing in (tin foil and all). well, after practically blowing up my whole house, i was told tin foil and microwaves don't get along.

fast forward a few years later (high school), and i stuck in a bowl of oatmeal, spoon and all. again, after almost blowing up the whole house, i was told silverware didn't belong in those devil machines.

***interjection: why couldn't anyone be more specific with me and tell me metal and death machines don't get along????

well, i lived a pretty harmless microwave-free life throughout my college life (and i seriously survived on those things with endless herbal tea and lean cuisines!), and this last summer was the start of my microwave woes.

i was totally into laying out in my backyard this summer, so to cool myself off from the awful desert heat, i froze a few caprisuns. well, to get the melting process going, i decided upon sticking the caprisun into the microwave with papertowel wrapped around it. needless to say the stupid thing caught on fire, and i almost died.

okay not really.

but seriously! now, in my defense, lean cuisines (which as i mentioned before were the only reason i didn't die of malnourishment in college) have metal-looking things, and i figured THEY didn't blow up, so neither would my caprisun! WRONG!

anyhoo, fast forward to my mom teaching me the "easiest way to cook an egg in the whole entire world." i went home in July, and she showed me the most ideal way to cook an egg: in the microwave. i simply had to stick a little dab of butter at the bottom of a mug, plop a raw egg in it, and stick it in the microwave for an alloted amount of time. she showed me at home, and it seemed simple enough. nothing too drastic could happen in a THREE STEP PROCESS. nope, my whole mug cracked, and my egg exploded into the galaxy. if it wasn't for gravity, i would have ha to clean up egg particles all throughout draper.

well, my first week of work, i realized i wouldn't have enough time to cook and eat breakfast before going in at the unearthly hour of the morning, so i decided to be brilliant and buy instant oatmeal from costco. best idea i've ever had? not likely. i was trying so hard to impress my new co-workers who are really cool, and we were all chatting in our little break room when i put my water/oatmeal-filled styrofoam bowl into the microwave for appropriate oatmeal making. after some decent small-talk, the microwave informed me it was done cooking my food, and as i opened the stupid machine, a plop of oatmeal fell off onto the carpet.

LOVELY, i thought.

yes, the whole styrofoam plate had melted and oatmeal was all over the microwave. my poor co-workers did a fabulous job of not totally dying laughing at me in the moment, and i tried not to cry haha. now it's funny.

and that, my friends, is why i'll never step near one of those things again. i have come to the conclusion that microwaves do, indeed, zuck. plus, has anyone ever NOT burnt popcorn in the microwave???