Person of the Day: Eunji

well, i'm here in Fiji, which means I have so many more things to talk about and project into the world besides my random life advice/lesson and love advice. lucky for you all, because i'm sure that gets old fast...

i've decided that everywhere i go, my favorite thing about going there usually ends up being the people i meet! the people in the market, the people i work with, live with, and even those who cross my path for only an hour or two via a random happenstance. i've already let too many of those people pass by without sharing their wisdom or hilarity, so i'm going to start posting the 'person of the day.' it's not going to be every day, but just when i feel like it. 

so, for the first one, i have a real gem. she is about the wisest 10 year old you've ever met and is full of wisdom on north korea and africa, her relationship with God, her worries about not crying and homesickness, and most importantly--love. (see, you still get love advice, but this time it's not from me!)

this is Eunji from Seoul, South Korea. she tried to fit into the refrigerator yesterday because a) it was really hot and b) there was a sudden flood of flying larvae that came out of nowhere and she was genuinely terrified. she loves kimchi, soda, and Beyonce, and she might be my favorite person on the planet right now. last night, Hilary (my co-director) and I were talking to her about boys, and here's the invaluable knowledge i acquired. you're welcome.

how to tell if a boy likes you (verbatim):

1. they kiss you here (the lips) and not here (the cheeks).

2. if he hugs you and spends time with you, he 100% likes you.

3. but if he takes you on dates, and he kisses you (or he lets you kiss him!), he one million no, ALL the percents likes you. 

...but don't have a boyfriend because then you have to make them good food, and look too pretty all the time with all the make ups and hairs and high heels, and that's not fun.

more nuggets of advice:

• if a boy is good and he goes to church and he likes you (see above), then you should just marry him. but if you don't know if you should marry him, wait 5 years and you will know.
• it doesn't matter if you're 45 and he is 50, or if you are 50 and he is 30, or if you are 60 and he is 20, love is love!

other advice on global politics and homesickness:

• why does everyone want to fight? i'm so sad because the mean Korea (north Korea) wants to fight and take all the good people who are poor and trick them with promises. they want to get big and get plenty money and not help people who need help. i don't want to do that to poor people. i don't want to fight anybody.
• why do people take all the nice people in Africa and tell them what to do? they just want to live!
• why doesn't Heavenly Father talk back to me? i just want to sit by him and play with him and eat with him and ask him all the questions!
• when i leave Korea, i wanted to cry so bad, but my mom told me not to cry because my papa's heart is too thin. so now i just work hard at my english to make my oma and papa proud.

soul blossoms and such.

hey guys.

so this is me, right now--sitting in a coffee shop loving life. sure it's not easy right now--i have zero direction as far as where i'm going (no job ideas/offers, i could move to any city, work for just about anyone, and i'm certainly not dating anyone which always brings with a sense of anxiety for some ridiculous reason), and sometimes that's really overwhelming.

but today, instead of being overwhelmed, my soul is shining right out of my eyeballs (see picture). why?? because marcel proust said: 

“let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” that's why.

so let me count the ways in which i have soul blossoms--soul peonies, gerbera daisies, daffodils, and soul sunflowers....

1. amazing parents who support me, cry with me, send me snail mail cards with surprises, emails with endless love notes, encouragement, they pray for me and fast for me, and they make me feel like i can do anything i want.

2. old friends. a friend who brought me my favorite cupcake when she picked me up from the airport. talking with old friends on swings about life and things that are hard and put your mind in SPANX that you want to break out of...and things that are enlightening and invigorating. you know who you are.

3. new friends. new friends who have been to India and want to eat Indian food, and new friends who are interested in the same things and energize me to continue to pursue my dreams because she is pursuing her dreams!

4. and the guy at the coffee shop that sings so loudly and off-key to CCR and pink floyd. and does adorable dance moves while he's sweeping to some indie band i've never heard of. and brought me over a free drink because i've been here for hours and i told him i couldn't afford anything.

turns out, that my gratitude has been enlightening, soul-filling, and more than anything has brought me hope. melody beattie, you nailed it, whoever you are:

"gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

BECAUSE WE'RE HAPPYYYYY: on making tough decisions.

this post comes from two spaces in my brain, venn diagraming like crazy.

space #1: 

today is the UN's national day of happiness!! click on that link, and go through each of the homemade "happy" videos. i laughed/smiled for an entire hour straight. plus, minions and pharrell are taking over my news feed and i'm not mad at that.

space #2:

i've come across another transitional period in my life where big decisions are being made. i'm talking rest-of-my-life decisions. those huge almost-paralyzing ones where you fear one step in the wrong direction will catapult you into the depths of unhappiness for the next 65 years. okay, not that bad, but we've all been there. and no, i'm not getting married.

so, as i've been searching desperately for answers in just about any place i can find, i was reminded kindly and gently about the love and power of our creator. turns out, everyone is so concerned about making "the right decision." we've been trained and cultivated to look for heart burn and enlightenment (vs 8, 9) and that's often confusing. we sit and wait for those two magical feelings to take over our consciousness. sure, that is how it works sometimes, and there are the privileged few who experience that every single time.

but here's my problem. i'm proactive, and believe in creating perpetual forward movement in my life. elder scott (in the best talk ever on this subject) taught us that we need to make educated decisions, and that if they're wrong as we progress forward, we will know. doors of opportunity will be slammed shut in our face, and we can go back to the drawing board.

here's where the venn diagram comes in. the beautiful space where happiness, true joy, and making decisions coincide to create giant glittery glowing spider strings that lead us to the direction our souls call us--and ultimately in the direction God wants us to go, where we could make the biggest contribution.

i believe we have a creator who loves us dearly and wants nothing more than for us to be happy in this life. thus, these set of scriptures have become my guidance and direction when making decisions: 

 12 And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit. 

 13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; 

 14 And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.

i believe that for the most part--whatever it is we are seeking an answer for (majors, future spouses, careers, kids, where to live, which Target sandals to buy, etc.)--that if it fills our soul with joy, if it makes our wheels turn, if it keeps us thinking, excited, if it's something that makes you want to do good and be good, and we totally believe that we will receive an answer, then this is our answer! i mean, ultimately, doesn't it fit the previous criteria of the heart and the mind working together at the same time??

so, what's the take away? find those things that make you happy and enlighten you. be a chaser of light, and soon enough you'll find your answers and what you've been looking for. meanwhile, i'll be taking my own advice and let you know how it goes.

here we go!

ps on a totally unrelated note, i started a 

super silly tumblr with some doodles. check it out.

this is the day i write my manifesto.

this is the day i write my manifesto. the day that i promise myself to become more okay with departures, and welcoming of new souls into my life. this is the day that i will start becoming good at love--that i remember love is something i need to practice and nurture. to remember that i can't dull the pain, and expect to feel the freedom that love brings. because i know when i mute one feeling, i silence them all.

i will become more willing to embrace situations with no guarantees. to remember that i am grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means that i am alive! to be determined to do something that makes my palms sweaty, makes my voice shake, makes it hard to breathe, and makes my chest tighten--every day. to become comfortable with things that scare me. i want to embrace adventure, to seek the ever-changing horizon, but never to become reckless.

i want to rewrite my narrative, and not allow false messages to dictate my worth. i want courage to lace my feet, that they take me down correct paths more and more frequently, and more intuitively.

i want to allow my eyes to twinkle at new discoveries,

and not be too proud for amazement.

i want each body part to know and understand its unique worth, and it's integral part in making the rest of my body work; my eyes to know that even though they don't look or function like a nose, it doesn't make them bad, but different and irreplaceable. 

i want to love all of these things in myself, so i can more fully love them in others.

i don't want to hide from settling into pain--it is a natural part of life. instead, i will give pain permission to be a sign, reminding me that with pain comes beauty.

last of all, knowing that sometimes i will fall short, but remembering i am an individual capable of more than i've ever imagined. to do this all with grace and humility. to allow myself to laugh so hard and so often, that someday my face will be a testament to the beauty of life through my skin, wrinkled with memories of growth, heartache, and joy. this is my symphony.

on the moment you forget you're boiling an egg, and it pops.

i've been having a crisis as of late. not quarter-life. i already passed that one, with vagaries of life leading me to my current situation in arizona. now i'm having (was having) just an i'm-not-sure-who-i-am-anymore crisis. and let me tell you this: when you look for truth (read: pray for truth), be ready for the answers to accost you from all sides, no matter how contumaciously you fight to be independent, and individual. turns out you can still be independent and individual, and ask for help.

i was finding myself wondering who i was. it seems quite silly to talk about it in past tense, when this past tense was really recent--like two weeks ago. ANYWAY, why was i going down a path that had suddenly taken it's own life? why wasn't i doing the things that i loved to do anymore? i realized i hadn't: danced, played field hockey, learned a new non-church piano piece, read a fun book, painted or drawn, or really created anything in years! at one point in time, all of these things had once been part of my identity.(does anybody watch new girl? you know a few episodes ago when Winston's like...every decision in my life was made for me! they gave me a basketball when i was born! well, i was kind of feeling like that all of a sudden).

suddenly, serious anxiety took over my consciousness, and earnest prayer was the only way i knew how to find answers when the following series of events changed my life forever:

.5 this only gets a half bullet point because it doesn't really count, but was sort of the moment my wheels started turning. so, i watched the notebook and bawled my face off. i mean, i had liquids running from all over my face. but you know she discovers that she doesn't paint anymore, and then decides to go with noah? well it got me thinking about the list i created above. i didn't do the things that i loved anymore, the things that got my heart pumping! i mean, don't get me wrong, i love going to school and learning, but it's just not the same. okay, read on.

1. i read this discourse on resolutions and regrets for a discussion group. it reminded me that we are majestic, that we have godly heritage, and that we "arrive in this world...'trailing clouds of glory' from the premortal sphere." digest that for a second. the talk also reminded me that "we are capable of so much more. for that, good intentions are not enough. we must do."

1.5 i stumbled across the picture above. another small seemingly insignificant event.

2. i then attended an inspired conference for thousands of individuals. in the opening remarks, sheri dew (a woman i esteem and admire), was very raw and honest with us. her plenary guided us through some key events in her life where she was either lost, put in a difficult and stressful situation, or is still experiencing painful things outside of her control. and yet, with power and wisdom, she told us this: "when you know who you are, it changes you. figure out who you are, and it'll change your behavior. it'll change what you do, what you wear, who you date, who you're friends with, the way you treat your family, and the way you treat yourself."

3. the next day in the same conference, i had the opportunity to listen to stephanie nielson. heartbreak oozed out of her quivering voice as she told us a first-hand account of a tragic and painful plane crash she experienced. most shockingly to me, however, were the feelings of despair and depression she shared with us. her most intimate feelings when waking up from a 3.5 month coma after burning 85% of her body, were those of wanting to once again fulfill the measure of her role as a mother and wife. she longed to put baby carrots in her children's school lunches. she missed the fact that her dog would dig through the trash and eat up dirty diapers--and subsequently she would have to bend over, and clean it all up. she missed being able to care for her husband, and the dexterity and usefulness of her extremities. she told us that everything that was once her identity was completely stripped from her, even her physical appearance. it took her months to have the desire to live again. it took until she finally felt she knew who she was again--a mother, a wife, and a beautiful daughter of God.

4. alex boye (link to his hilarious music video), the biggest ball of energy you will ever get the privilege of knowing, also gave a stirring break-out session in which at the very end he exclaimed, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!" i thought to myself, what do i really know about myself? the rest of the day was quite a blur as i continued to write in a stream of consciousness the things that i knew to be true about brook dorff. it's a great exercise in gratitude, self-awareness, and potential!

5. i learned about the principle of belongingness (i've linked the oh-so-scientific source of wikipedia, but it's basic and will get the gist across. if you want to know more, ask me. i'll send you oodles of long, intense, and incredibly interesting articles). but the boiled down version is this: humans need to belong, and they need to know they are part of something greater. this creates motivation--motivation to be better, to not let others and ourselves down, and overall true joy and happiness.

and that was the moment for me. you know when you forget about your eggs boiling on the stove? it's been about an hour and you've been a multi-tasking fiend when all of a sudden you hear a giant inexplicable explosion and you take cover because you think someone is shooting at you? and almost at the same instant you duck, the lightbulb goes off: it's the egg you started to boil about an hour ago...

(from here)

by the time i read about belongingness, discouragement and unproductive emotions that lead to confusion and anxiety had basically all boiled away. i popped (like the boiling egg), and realized the giant thread in this all. that life's vicissitudes will not necessarily disappear entirely, but become much less daunting when we know: where we came from, that we belong, have individual purpose, and a unique set of gifts.

so there you have it. the longest blog post you'll read in a long time.

game on, life.

xoxo, with purpose,
brookie

unblock me.

you know those block games? the ones where you have to get the little red thing out the other side by moving all the other ones? it's so frustrating sometimes! you think all you have to do is swoosh, swipey, swoosh and you're there. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO... is keep pushing the little red guy forward as more space becomes available. wham, bam. but instead, you have to move the little red block backwards first in order to get it out the other side. moving backwards clears up the path. it's totally counterintuitive, and you think you're doing it wrong, and then all of a sudden the path opens up, and you feel like you've won the lottery!

well, sometimes i feel life is similar. i can often see the path, the end goal. there are other times i can't really see the end goal, but i know what i want and what makes me the happiest. i know what gives me spring to my baby steps. and maybe it's not getting out of a mess or juggling act (like it is in unblock me), but just moving forward period. i mean, word on the street is that you're either moving forwards or you're moving backwards. no in between.

but here's my question: how do you know the difference between forward and backwards? sometimes i think that i allow myself to prescribe to false messages of progression. it appears you're moving backwards (much like the blocks), but really you have to go through particular experiences and what appear to be "set-backs" in order to get to your end goal.

there are just things in every phase of life that are difficult. i've gone from having so many people i knew i could rely on, people ready and willing to hug me, to going weeks without doing anything with anyone (when i first moved to az). i've had friends that have moved back in with parents, packed their bags and called unfamiliar cities their new homes, lost or left jobs, had the courage to start or leave relationships, and so many more things! often the sentiment is that they're (we're) moving backwards, starting over, or that they feel like they're regressing. but really, i've come to realize that the step back is really just a step forward. it seems you're going back for a second (or month or year), but really in the end it was something to be felt, understood, and experienced to finally get us through to the other side of the path.

so here's the take away. don't be so hard on yourself. sometimes your idea of moving backwards just needs a little perspective, a step back to see the entire puzzle. and remember: some of us have to move and wiggle a little more to get out on the other side, but in the end, we always get there.

"do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day"

i will always remember today, 11/12/13 for one thing:

the day i realized the old testament and slam poetry have absolutely everything in common. yep, you read that right.

you see, i've had this poem swirly twirling in the back of my mind the last few months (watch below, it's beautiful).

"this is for the fat girls

this one is for the little brothers

this is for the school-yard wimps, and for the childhood bullies that tormented them...

shake the dust...
...do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you
that your heart beats 900 times a day
and that there are enough gallons of blood
to make you an ocean.
do not settle for letting these waves settle
and the dust to collect in your veins."

-anis mojgani

as it turns out, shaking the dust is no respecter of persons. it's for just about anybody, in just about any circumstance. but what does shaking the dust really mean? anis tells us. it's running head-on with widespread arms into the face of life; often it's allowing things to flow into our beautifully pumping heart (that at times beats more consciously, audibly, and visibly than others). sometimes it's dangerous. sometimes it presents itself as pain. or vulnerability, love, and courage all wrapped into one giant beautiful composition of bright colors and pounding drums. we've all been there.

but here's where it gets better. isaiah (52:2) taught me this today: that shaking the dust means freeing ourselves from enslavement and captivity, quite literally.

"shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem:

loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion."

Isaiah 52:2

i learned that when we shake the dust, that we are actually just taking our rightful place. that we are being freed from enslavement, and claiming what's ours. we are quite literally standing up, (harlem) shaking the dust, and moving to a new, better place waiting for us to merely ask for it. that we are in fact running with widespread arms. that we are "grabbing the world by its clothespins...walk[ing] into [the world], and breath[ing] it" in the best way we know how.

so what's enslaving us? what's keeping us from shaking the dust?? how much dust have we allowed to accumulate on our beautiful bodies? and why?? do we believe we are enough? do we believe in growth?

i know i've had to take some painful introspective glances. do my accomplishments belie whats actually happening in my life? is my path productive, and am i really taking charge in every way that i can? i'm not sure that i am. but that's what this is all about, right?

basically, i'm saying this to myself as much as i am to anyone reading this. shake the dust! become free from your chains. do something that makes you scared and uncomfortable. recognize those places where you could shake the dust out of your lives. get out, and greet the world with open arms, and run like the wind.

someone knew you'd be traveling that way...

here i am, back from blogging oblivion. i don't know how long this will last, and it may be a one-time random occurrence. who knows.

yesterday, i was desperately trying to describe how i am feeling right now in this moment of my life to my best friend. the only analogy i came up with was i felt like i was getting my eye exam done. you know how sometimes while they're flipping heaven-knows-what in that magical chair of theirs, you know without a doubt which prescription or which option will give you the most clarity?? they're like, this one or this one? and you know for SURE it's the first one that's better. but then other times, i sit there, and they have to do it a couple times for me, and i think--IS THIS  A TRICK QUESTION? i get all confused, and second-guess myself, and make a choice in haste because i feel like the answer should be obvious but it really isn't. they always give me the cop out by saying, "...or about the same?" i mean, what does that even mean?!?! if they're about the same, why are you giving me two options??? but then i still have no solid answer. and the worst part is this: that i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i wont be able to see for the next year or two until my next appointment!

or maybe i'm the only looney person who thinks that much about eye appointments. but i take everything i do mostly seriously, and it for reals gives me anxiety. that being said, i feel like right now that's where i'm at! i feel like so many things have been so incredibly clear to me: move to arizona, do the masters' program, live here, go to india, do this, do that. there are so many moments that have been crystal clear. mind you, some clarity has come just in the knick (i actually don't know which kind of nick should be put here so i'm putting both) of time--like moving to arizona in august of 2011 to start only a few days later. but still, they were at one point or another, absolute moments of vision and clarity. but then, it seems like lately, i'm at the end of my eye exam when it starts to get hard, and mucky, and it's all starting to look the same. i'm second-guessing my previous decisions (despite at one point knowing they were what i needed to do), and i'm certainly in the dark as to where i should go next.

well, all of this was swirling around in my head the last week or two, when yesterday, i was looking for some glitter pens (what, you don't use those anymore?! i sure do!). i found this gem hiding in my folder of papers, pictures, and magazine pages i've collected since i was about 12:

which seemed to be nothing but heaven-sent. and then, i decided to "randomly" read one of my top three favorite BYU speeches of all time by elder gong (go read it!!), because i hadn't read it for a while, and there was the clarity all over again, explaining the unexplained:

"Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Teaches President Boyd K. Packer:

Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew that you would be traveling that way. [“Spiritual Crocodiles,” Ensign, May 1976, 31]

On occasion, in unexpected places, I have been grateful—as you have been—to find such provisions."

there was my own personal provision that had been set in the most unexpected place and time waiting for me to discover it. it was the perfect "good game" pat on my butt to help me keep going, and even make decisions about my future.

basically what i'm trying to say is this: keep at it. don't get discouraged. as a matter of fact, have courage, and stand by 1) the feelings you've had (even if they don't make sense, or didn't play out the way you thought they would in your head), and the 2) direction you feel you've been given. because when you do, you'll all of a sudden find those provisions, those little bread crumbs saying you're doing just fine, and you'll have that vision you've been seeking become clear all over again.

alright, that's all folks. love you all.

xoxo, brookie

departures and insights

one of the smiles i will miss the most...

here i sit, half a world away from my dear india. to be honest, i never thought this day would happen and now that it's here, i wish it weren't.

on the flight home, i watched a film, the best exotic marigold hotel. it was beautiful, hilarious, and one of the more accurate descriptions of india i've found. my favorite quote from there was when one of the characters says:

"can there be anywhere else in the world that is such an assault on the senses? those who know the country well just go about their business. but nothing prepares the uninitiated for this riot of noise and color--for the heat, the motion. the perpetual teeming crowds...initially you're overwhelmed. but gradually you realize it's like a wave. resist and you'll be knocked over. dive into it, and you'll swim out on the other side."

now, i am utterly alone sitting in an insipid airport with one or two stragglers walking past me about every 20 minutes--if i'm lucky. the singular, banal noise is the elevator music softly buzzing, with no symbiosis of life, traffic, animals, gabbar singh streaming from three separate cell phones, and someone yelling "madame" to get my attention. all the passersby wear neutrals and minimal adornments, and i find myself absolutely bored and heartbroken. i keep thinking of all the people who made me promise i wouldn't forget them. and the people who said they'd sell everything they had to help us come back. the only thing that seems to assuage my unexplainable vulnerability and anxiety is the thought of going back to india soon, but even that is uncertain. in life i've learn to expect the unexpected.

...but i digress. i've already written a sappy love note to india. so instead, i'm going to make a running list of what the last week has taught me through my ridiculous bout with the indian government and trying to leave the country. maybe someday i'll have the courage to write a little about how india overall has changed me....but at this point, it's not likely.

so here, it is, ladies and gentlemen--what this last week (read: trying to escape india!) has taught me:

1. first and foremost, i've learned that i relate more easily to a couple in their sixties than most people my age. i could have stayed up all night talking to the sweet welfare missionaries about: GPS systems and geocaching, astrology and telescopes, genealogy, geeking out about tandem bikes, talking about camping and wilderness survival, and so many other way more interesting things. i have so much to learn from those with more experience and wisdom, including my wonderful parents. which leads me to....
2. my parents are beautiful, wonderful, wise, loving people who would do anything for me. what a blessing i have in my life, when i've seen and met those whose parents don't even want them. mine stayed up all night praying for me, no matter what time it was, and updating individuals at 4 in the morning who i'm sure really didn't care as much as they did. these guys can tell from my "hello" if i'm happy or on the verge of hysterics. which leads me to....(man i'm good at these transitions!)
3. i've learned that as much as i think i'm in control of my emotions, and i make the "sour face" until my face turns blue, i burst out crying at wildly inappropriate times, and i burst out laughing at equally inappropriate times. basically i'm 5 years old and 65 years old at the same time.
4. i've learned that there is power in voices. voices that are raised up to heaven in my (and others') behalf, voices that call and comfort me, voices who have a meaningful conversation with me, voices who obstreperously contacted the FRRO and west marredpally police incessantly, and voices who softly, kindly, and consistently told me it'd all be okay, that they love me, to please come back to india, and that, despite their beliefs, asked that "God be with me."
5. i've learned that we are always watched over, and that there is a plan for us. in the height of my troubles, there was a lot of sitting and waiting. i decided to start preparing for my talk i'll be giving at home about india, and read one thing that lead to another and another and another which eventually lead me to a page in the scriptures about courage. i couldn't help but feel all at once that i was not alone as i read a compilation of every scripture relating to courage:

be not afraid...God is with thee

be strong and of a good courage

be thou strong and very courageous

she was steadfastly minded to go

let no man's heart fail...thy servant will go and fight

be ye valiant

deal courageously and the Lord shall be with the good

he thanked God, and took courage

God hath not given us the spirit of fear

his heart began to take courage

never had i seen so great courage

courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory

i'm grateful beyond understanding for india, and hope to return there as soon as possible. here's hoping to jumping right back into "real life" here in the states, so i can quickly be cured of my broken-heartedness and perceivable boredom of the senses. 

one of the more popular sayings in india is:

"everything will be alright in the end.

and if it's not alright, it's not the end."

xo,

brookie

help and comfort

little munchkin cheering because he got a toilet--counting his many blessings...

well, for those who haven't heard, india couldn't get enough of me and isn't allowing me to leave! it's now saturday night, and i was supposed to leave on wednesday for a few days in dubai, and then back to the states to start off a new semester (a week late!).

when i arrived at the airport, i went to pull my passport out and it was nowhere to be found. i was a little confused, pulled everything out, and after searching for 2 hours, realized i wasn't going to be getting it back. after i sent my last two interns on their way, i was stuck at the airport with quite the unanswerable question of what to do. it was almost as if the huge cement structure which was meant to house millions in just a weeks' time was screaming out to me how alone i was and how little control i had over my life.

yet, today, three days after i was supposed to depart this beautiful place, i got yet another small push in the right direction, as i sat and played the piano in a church congregation. we were singing "count your blessings," a hymn which i'd heard a thousand times before, and one (to be completely honest) which never really tickled my fancy. i bucked up, pulled my shoulders back, started pounding out the notes, when we got to the last verse, and suddenly i froze as 30 individuals expectantly waited for me to play. there it was on a silver platter:

So amid the conflict whether great or small

Do not be discouraged; God is over all!

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

i realized that i had been given help, comfort, and blessings at every bend in the road, from:

1. the adorable, kind, handsome police officer that escorted me around the airport for 4.5 hours going from one place to another, calling the airlines, chewing out the help desk, watching my luggage, and telling me to stop crying and think calmly to figure out what i'm supposed to learn from this
2. to the cab driver who took us there (and to the airport many times before) who personally took me under his wing, escorted me, proposed to me (another story for another time-hilarous!), and made sure that i got home safely
3. to my parents who were so willing at my beckoning call to do anything i asked and never left my side
4. to the wonderful man in my church who came with me an entire day in the boiling hot sun to translate and commiserate with me as i'd start bawling because the police officers wouldn't give me an important document, or as the consulate wouldn't let me in
5. to the sweet elder and sister hatch who took me into their home and have cared for me, spent long days at the embassy with me, and have cared for me more than they'll ever know
6. to the wonderful ladies at the consulate who laughed and cried with me, and made sure i had an emergency passport done and ready in less than 5 hours (really quite the miracle!)
7. to the wonderful office manager at HELP International's HQ who made it her personal task to help me book a flight, negotiate prices, and figure out flight schedules/times when it's the end of the summer and she has a thousand and one other things to do
8. to so many many more things/people/circumstances/situations i can't even list even if i had the rest of the night to do so........

here's the thing. not everything's sorted out. as a matter of fact, it's not nearly close to being sorted out, but i can't help but keep my chin up and have my heart beat a little more steadily. there's no denying i've been taught patience in all things this summer, and most of all i've been reminded countless (pun intended) times that: God is over all.

love you, each of you.

xo

so here i am....

and so it is. my time is quickly wrapping up here in india, and i am nothing but a weepy mess. i hardly make it though almost getting run over by a rickshaw, getting freaked out by a cow, or get smothered in line at the grocery store, without getting all teary knowing those things that drive me nuts are the things i'll be missing the most.

truth is, i was really sad to leave the states. i knew this would be a life-changing experience and many things would be different when i got back--whether it was the people/environment back at home that was different, or the new lenses with which i saw the world that was different. this has happened many times before, where i experience changes or growth in ways unique to my situations and things are never quite the same when i "return" (read this post about my thoughts on home). i thought that i'd miss the: camping, bonfires, food, outdoor concerts, hiking, slurpees, staying out late, breaking into swimming pools, and late night chats listening to the crickets and watching the stars. i thought that my heart would yearn for those things, but the truth is, i hardly missed those at all (minus some food).

this place, as i've said many times before, is indescribable. it permeates everything about you, and you can't help but fall in love with its idiosyncrasies and abrasiveness. the character everything has here and the love that you feel penetrating is undeniable as you walk down the street and everyone smiles.

in the last week, i've had the opportunity to see and many different people whether it be the rickshaw drivers or individuals in the slums. all of them have touched my heart deeply as they've expressed their gratitude for our group of interns coming "all the way from america to serve our people." they've told us "thank you for thinking of us poor people who the government doesn't even recognize as individuals" and i can't help but get emotional every time i hear that. i have tried to express to them that their love and hospitality has meant the world to me, but what i really want to share with them is that they are not invisible. they mean something to me and have left me remembering them nightly in my prayers. they have each meant something to the interns on my team. they have meant something to the individuals who, as lame as this sounds, witness pieces of their life on facebook. and they will never be forgotten to our heavenly father, who created and loves us all.

i have mixed feelings about returning, but am starting to realize that i'll leave a little bit of my heart here in india, and have it replaced in my own heart with a patchwork of bedazzled bangles, brightly colored silks, in-your-face curries, shouts of "MADAME!" and the endearing sing-songing of "welcomeeee" (instead of saying "you're welcome").

until the next time, india.

xo, brookie

"for as long as we have voices..."

“in the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. in the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely,

for as long as we have voices.” 

-elizabeth gilbert

in the last four weeks (and quite frankly, the whole summer), i have been the incredulous and truly awestruck recipient of the most wonderful service, support, love, and friendship from so many people. i am not particularly known for being short on words, but i honestly fall short when it comes to my ability to express my wonder and the depth of my gratitude for the countless ways that numberless individuals have made me feel so thoroughly loved these last few weeks, both in my indian adventure, and more specifically the bore-well project (for those of you who don't know, we successfully met our funding goal).

with giant glittery tears falling around me, i'd like, for as long as i have my voice, to sing my sincere thanks. it's been a blessing, and i almost feel out of place being able to witness both sides of the beautiful tapestry of interconnectedness and love--those all around the world who hold pieces of my heart, those whose lives did not interweave with mine until now, and the 10,000 individuals who we are serving, who have remarkably done more than their share of the work but are still so grateful. i feel privileged to know the hearts and souls who have come together to contribute, support our team, share the word, listen to my beating heart as i struggled, worried, and processed, all equally as important. and i feel almost as if i don't deserve the outstanding privilege to be able to see first-hand the impact that it will make. 

to those who i know personally:

it has been said that, "we can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." you are all my treasures, and i have never felt more alive. 

i recognize you each have your own burdens, heartache, and difficulties. your selflessness and kindness overwhelms and humbles me. 

this experience has been nothing short of divine and magical, and for that, i will be forever grateful. 

thank you from our team, thank you from our partner/community members, and thank you from the bottom of my squishy little red-headed, dance-loving, indian-smelling, half-chilean heart.

much love from india,

brookie

The Hydraband!

So, sometimes I write really sentimental, serious posts, like this one I did for our team blog. Other times, despite the long work days (or maybe because of the long work days--the hot sun does a number on ya sometimes!) dealing with serious, heart-wrenching development work our team likes to have fun.

We have started a band that does everything from our own covers, to music videos. Our latest is quite the masterpiece, and edited by yours truly. I'm hoping this will get me on the ellen show someday....Please enjoy our latest here:


and our older number one hits here:


and here:

the human spirit

what would you be willing to fight for?

i learned a great lesson today from the most incredible women in the slums.

we have some lovely people visiting us from the board of directors and operation council, and were asked to introduce them to our partners, and show them around. as we toured the different slums, the women from the community were told that we were there to meet them and learn from them. dressed in their most beautiful sarees, equipped with jasmine flowers lining their hair, and with nothing but absolute resolution in their eyes, the women gathered waiting for us to hear their stories. some waited as long as four hours to meet us, but mostly to have their voices heard.

one at a time, individual women came to share their personal stories. stories of migration. stories of wanting to learn to read just so they could check their childrens' homework or just so they could figure out how to get home from their daily manual labor jobs (riding a bus is difficult when you can't read where it's going or where it came from). these beautiful women dressed in every color of the rainbow were each as individual and unique as their sarees. not one was like the other, yet their stories had a similar thread: one of persecution, struggle, and fighting for their rights. they were all individuals with souls and beating hearts, with great difficulties in their life, yet their biggest one was being recognized as a person.

the government did not recognize them individually or as a community. countless times they'd been driven out of their homes or had them bull-dozed. the police force refused to give them government-issued ID cards so that their rights couldn't be heard if they didn't exist. how could a group of individuals have a voice if they were considered invisible?

yet, these "invisible" women came up with a brilliant plan to make themselves heard. they came together and decided to grind up the spiciest chili powder they had so that the next time they would be ready for when the police came. they prepared little packages so every woman could have at least a fist-full of chili powder, distributed them, and waited patiently. these women had had to wait for many other things in their lives, so this was a walk in the park. before long, the police came to drive them out, and as soon as they were close enough they threw the powder! the police retracted, and they were not only able to get their ID cards but also able to call the land their own, and have built themselves a wonderful community.

their resilience and perseverance taught me so much and begged the question once again: what would i be willing to fight for?

shared human vulnerability

"'there is nothing so whole as a broken heart,' said rabbi mendel of kotzk, a hasidic sage. the world breaks our hearts open, and the openness makes us whole. engaged with a brokenhearted world, we cannot and should not expect to be 'cured' of grief, fear, and despair. rather, we learn how to become more comfortable with our shared human vulnerability. we learn the art and power of no protection--a spiritual power, not an egoic conquest won through armoring ourselves against pain, or against an enemy. to learn this alchemy, we must be willing to accept suffering and vulnerability as a normal part of life. because we are vulnerable, life hurts. we are not here to be free of pain. we are here to have our hearts broken by life, and to transform that pain into love."
-miriam greenspan

one of the most loving munchkins you will ever find, with a lot more pain in his life than i've ever experienced

i am unsure that i can add anything of value to this already-beautiful quote. however, i am repeating myself when i say that i am inspired daily by my interactions with people here in india. i hear personal stories of people on my team who have overcome great personal tragedy and yet always have a smile on their face. women come in droves to tell us about their traumas--migrating, losing husbands, losing children, physical ailments, HIV/AIDS, and yet because they are vulnerable, they are strong. and their strength, in turn, transforms itself into love. if we could all learn just a little bit more from those who surround us, whether they uplift us or if they degrade us, then we will be much happier in life.


xo,
brookie

bore wells

well, it's monday morning and i'm quite busy, but here is a quick post.

it wont be serious. it wont be funny. just a request, and that is...

that you please help me get the word out for this campaign-- http://www.indiegogo.com/borewells

here's a blog post by a team member about just one of the stories behind the bore well: http://india.help-international.org/blog/people-behind-borewell

t-18 days until the campaign is completed. every little bit counts.

much love from india,
xo brookie

all prayers go to heaven

prayers tied on a tree at a temple in hampi, india
each prayer is left there to be remembered by all those who see it
(photo credit: katrina nelson)

i took a trauma class this last semester in my grad program, and we spent a long time talking about a term we coined: "trauma olympics."

basically, it explains the phenomenon of some traumas or pains being greater than others. people believe that their own pain is infinitely worse than someone else's so why are they complaining? or the complete opposite response of which i am more familiar--individuals thinking that their pain is nothing compared to anothers' so they have no reason to be sad or to complain.

while i've been here in india i have been humbled by people's stories and hardships. i receive strength daily from the resilient people who surround me. some people i will never see again, however the five minutes in which they blessed and enriched my life will never be something i forget. either i can't imagine the pain they've experienced, the injustice they've encountered, or life obstacles i couldn't even begin to pretend to understand.

see, the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable, and even sad, is when i have a friend or family member who starts an email or phone conversation with: "i know it's not as bad as what you've seen in india, but..." or "i've had a hard week, but i guess i shouldn't complain because it's not as hard as the people you see in india," etc.

i guess what i've realized here in india is that the trauma olympics make less and less sense to me. i share my experiences so that people who may want to read about them will be motivated to change and maybe experience gratitude and a slew of other emotions; however, i don't want those same individuals to undermine their own suffering and pain. i want people to realize that their own trauma, tears shed, and heartache are just as real as another's.

we all have times in our life when we need a little lifting. everyone can probably think of one aspect of their life that can use some extra prayers whether it be death, trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, mending relationships, schooling, making big decisions, needing help to become more social, or whatever physical ailment may at one point or another bother us. we all have prayers that need to be sent to heaven. please recognize that even if sometimes you may feel small or insignificant, i want you all to know that they all get to the same place at the same speed. all prayers go to heaven (or whatever you believe), and everyone needs love.

xo

prayer rags on a tree in hampi, india...
people leave them for specific purposes and prayers that need to be remembered and heard
(photo credit: katrina nelson on my team)

by the numbers

katrina on my team took this one for our "missing children" campaign

1...the number of children in my family
2...the number of functioning hands (and feet) i have
3...total members in my family
4...months i'm in india
5...days a week i'm supposed to work out
9...number of sites help international has this year
13...individuals living in my house right now
14...oreo packets we demolished the other night
20(th)...the day batman comes out!!!

and 30......

every 30 seconds a child goes missing in india. by the time you're finished reading this, depending on how quickly you read this, there will be anywhere from 8-20 children that have gone missing here.

i tried googling the word "disappeared" and the first thing that came up is an article from wikipedia listing all of the individuals who have mysteriously disappeared. the sad thing is that in that list, there are hundreds of children who go unnoticed daily. many of these children don't know how to write or say their own names (often one can identify at least which region in india someone is from by their last name) so they can't find their way home.

you may be asking yourself, where do these children go? what happens to them?

-they run away
-their parents are killed or committed suicide
-they are sold to the circus, but usually kidnapped
-they are taken for sexual purposes
-they get lost
-they get put to work as child laborers in factories

...and many many more things. the sad thing is that there isn't a system in place to find these children. in fact, 80% of the police think looking for children is a waste of their time, and don't even bother.

something interesting to ponder: which people do we allow to go unnoticed? whom do we allow to disappear entirely? which individuals do we discredit completely as human or noteworthy?

first thing i'll eat in the US

so we spend quite a bit of time here in india discussing the foods we miss the most. i'd even go as far as saying 97% of our non-project related discussions revolve around this topic....the other percentage of time is spent discussing our cool pictures we'll take (exhibit a)

but i digress.....

we've talked about...
1. which food is the first one we'll have the second we get off the plane
2. if you had to be on a deserted island with only one food for the rest of your life what would it be
3. which breakfast foods we miss the most
4. which fruits/veggies we miss the most
5. which things we can live without
and a number of other things...which leads me to my next point.

i'll tell you the things i miss the most:

1. CHEESE. you have no idea what a wonderful thing cheese is (or maybe you do!!). i certainly did when i was in the US but man i have never felt this way about cheese as i do now. what i'd kill for a slice of cheddar, havarti, goat, pepper jack, or fresh mozzarella ball.
2. avocados. 'nuff said.
3. hummus.
4. strawberries. blueberries. raspberries. blackberries. cherries.
5. a fresh, gigantic, amazing salad.
6. a nice piece of fluffy bread.
7. chocolate-covered cinnamon bears, and dark chocolate and sea salt covered almonds from trader joe's.
8. slurpees.
9. yogurtland (see previous post)

not sure why you need to know this about me, but please eat a giant block of cheese in my honor.
...but if you do, don't tell me about it, k?

xoxo

the fro-yo level

so my cousin sent me this quote because it reminded her of me:

"So needless to say, this is not activity J. Law and I would be doing if/when we became friends. We’d probably just remain on the fro-yo level for a long time.

You know the fro-yo level. The person you call to get fro-yo with you when you feel too ashamed to go alone — yet, crave it so badly that you can’t stand to live another moment with that cold self-serve fro-yo handle in your hand. If you know what I’m talking about, you KNOW what I’m talking about."

apparently it's someone talking about some celebrity picture. but the point is this: i totally have the fro-yo level. although i'm pretty sure i'm at the fro-yo level with every human. the more i thought about it, the more i realized i have a hierarchy of individuals i call on the fro-yo level, and i'd like to expound on this idea.

ladies and gentlemen, i would like to introduce to you the fro-yo level hierarchy of love:

1. the person to call first: roommate. here's the thing. you're not fooling your roommate about your work out or diet plans. they know every single detail usually, and is the most willing to "take one for the team." plus roommates are most easily coerced if you say stuff like "i'll drive" (or if you have any sort of income--aka not me--things like "i'll pay!").

all people hereafter are back-up plans:

2. the friend having a really terrible day. yes, i realize this is terribly unfair, and you am taking full advantage of their vulnerable situation and state. however, they usually always say yes and i promise fro-yo solves all problems.
3. casual school friends/co-workers. these individuals can also be easily coerced by saying "let's swing by after class/work/during lunch/take a break," etc. you don't have to talk about deep things and you're both happy. you can easily fool them into thinking you're normally healthy but this one time you want to splurge.
4. love interest you feel lukewarm about. fro-yo is a good testing ground. which toppings do they get? do they pay? conversations could easily swing from light and casual, to deep and monumental.
5. love interest you know likes you but you're not interested. again, i'm aware of taking advantage of situations. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get some fro-yo.

**the last resort**

6. last but not least: parents/family/bffs (if they're not 1 or 2). here's the thing about this one--play your cards right. you're not fooling anyone in this category about your diet/exercise plans, and they will make you feel bad about every single bite you take!!!! but again, if you must do this, then you must do this!

well, that's that. got we got that cleared up, and next time you swing by yogurtland or your neighborhood fro-yo place, just remember:

who you gonna call??