microwaves zuck

i've recently learned a few things about myself.

1. i dislike microwaves
2. microwaves dislike me

here's the thing. i've never really had good luck with those dumb things. honestly, though, i'll probably live longer than all you people who stand in front of them while nuking your food into oblivion. want a few examples as to why we don't get along??

one time when i was still in elementary school, i was asked to warm up the mashed potatoes after being handed a nice large bowl straight from the refrigerator. me being the obedient child i was, i stuck the whole thing in (tin foil and all). well, after practically blowing up my whole house, i was told tin foil and microwaves don't get along.

fast forward a few years later (high school), and i stuck in a bowl of oatmeal, spoon and all. again, after almost blowing up the whole house, i was told silverware didn't belong in those devil machines.

***interjection: why couldn't anyone be more specific with me and tell me metal and death machines don't get along????

well, i lived a pretty harmless microwave-free life throughout my college life (and i seriously survived on those things with endless herbal tea and lean cuisines!), and this last summer was the start of my microwave woes.

i was totally into laying out in my backyard this summer, so to cool myself off from the awful desert heat, i froze a few caprisuns. well, to get the melting process going, i decided upon sticking the caprisun into the microwave with papertowel wrapped around it. needless to say the stupid thing caught on fire, and i almost died.

okay not really.

but seriously! now, in my defense, lean cuisines (which as i mentioned before were the only reason i didn't die of malnourishment in college) have metal-looking things, and i figured THEY didn't blow up, so neither would my caprisun! WRONG!

anyhoo, fast forward to my mom teaching me the "easiest way to cook an egg in the whole entire world." i went home in July, and she showed me the most ideal way to cook an egg: in the microwave. i simply had to stick a little dab of butter at the bottom of a mug, plop a raw egg in it, and stick it in the microwave for an alloted amount of time. she showed me at home, and it seemed simple enough. nothing too drastic could happen in a THREE STEP PROCESS. nope, my whole mug cracked, and my egg exploded into the galaxy. if it wasn't for gravity, i would have ha to clean up egg particles all throughout draper.

well, my first week of work, i realized i wouldn't have enough time to cook and eat breakfast before going in at the unearthly hour of the morning, so i decided to be brilliant and buy instant oatmeal from costco. best idea i've ever had? not likely. i was trying so hard to impress my new co-workers who are really cool, and we were all chatting in our little break room when i put my water/oatmeal-filled styrofoam bowl into the microwave for appropriate oatmeal making. after some decent small-talk, the microwave informed me it was done cooking my food, and as i opened the stupid machine, a plop of oatmeal fell off onto the carpet.

LOVELY, i thought.

yes, the whole styrofoam plate had melted and oatmeal was all over the microwave. my poor co-workers did a fabulous job of not totally dying laughing at me in the moment, and i tried not to cry haha. now it's funny.

and that, my friends, is why i'll never step near one of those things again. i have come to the conclusion that microwaves do, indeed, zuck. plus, has anyone ever NOT burnt popcorn in the microwave???


Alexandra said...

LOL! You remind me of when one of the sister wives (yeah on THAT show) reasoned she doesn't use a toaster because they are more dangerous than sharks. creepy.

Ok, I really am not comparing you to a polygamous lady with strange logic. But this is funny.

Jen R. said...

sounds like someone just needs to tell you all the things you are NOT supposed to put in the microwave. in fact, google it right now. "things that don't belong in microwaves!" :)

Viviana said...

This is so funny, it belongs in some Saturday night live, or something like that. I cannot believe that these many years later you are still having trouble with the microwave... I love microwaves - greatest invention ever!

MissKris said...

Amen. I hate how each microwave is totally different. I like to think I'm a good cook, but once a new microwave at someone else's house made me look like an idiot when I tried to cook popcorn in it for the same amount of time I do at home and it caught on fire.
LOVE your stories. Hahaha laughing so hard.

BollingerMutual said...

I need to defend the poor, helpless, ever faithful heating machines and the humble thorough tutelage of your parents.

Simply said, these are the most revolutionary and useful machines invented in the 70s. (Well it came into common use in the 70s.) Your parents didn't teach you much, but they certainly told you everything you need to know. Of course telling is one-sided and teaching requires attention on the part of the student. You live in Utah and these green machines are essential to lessen the inversion layer where you live. Humble yourself and get over it. We've all made mistakes with these small wonders, but it's not that it's a stupid machine. There's a reason they make the doors of reflective glass. On the other hand, now that you're a nerd, maybe you should invent a metal detecting microwave... a smart microwave.

Anonymous said...

You know I have a great microwave "recipe". OK, we can call it a procedure. I'm not talking about the peep jousting either. Try this if you want a cleaner, quicker and more healthy toasted cheese sandwich. Put bread in toaster. When it comes out, put cheese between the slices and zap it for 15 seconds. Eat. Yummy.

brook said...

hahaha thanks alealejandra!! glad to be compared to a polygamist crazy!!

kris, SO funny!! glad to hear a domestic goddess like yourself also makes microwave blunders :)