unblock me.

you know those block games? the ones where you have to get the little red thing out the other side by moving all the other ones? it's so frustrating sometimes! you think all you have to do is swoosh, swipey, swoosh and you're there. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO... is keep pushing the little red guy forward as more space becomes available. wham, bam. but instead, you have to move the little red block backwards first in order to get it out the other side. moving backwards clears up the path. it's totally counterintuitive, and you think you're doing it wrong, and then all of a sudden the path opens up, and you feel like you've won the lottery!

well, sometimes i feel life is similar. i can often see the path, the end goal. there are other times i can't really see the end goal, but i know what i want and what makes me the happiest. i know what gives me spring to my baby steps. and maybe it's not getting out of a mess or juggling act (like it is in unblock me), but just moving forward period. i mean, word on the street is that you're either moving forwards or you're moving backwards. no in between.

but here's my question: how do you know the difference between forward and backwards? sometimes i think that i allow myself to prescribe to false messages of progression. it appears you're moving backwards (much like the blocks), but really you have to go through particular experiences and what appear to be "set-backs" in order to get to your end goal.

there are just things in every phase of life that are difficult. i've gone from having so many people i knew i could rely on, people ready and willing to hug me, to going weeks without doing anything with anyone (when i first moved to az). i've had friends that have moved back in with parents, packed their bags and called unfamiliar cities their new homes, lost or left jobs, had the courage to start or leave relationships, and so many more things! often the sentiment is that they're (we're) moving backwards, starting over, or that they feel like they're regressing. but really, i've come to realize that the step back is really just a step forward. it seems you're going back for a second (or month or year), but really in the end it was something to be felt, understood, and experienced to finally get us through to the other side of the path.

so here's the take away. don't be so hard on yourself. sometimes your idea of moving backwards just needs a little perspective, a step back to see the entire puzzle. and remember: some of us have to move and wiggle a little more to get out on the other side, but in the end, we always get there.

"do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day"

i will always remember today, 11/12/13 for one thing:

the day i realized the old testament and slam poetry have absolutely everything in common. yep, you read that right.

you see, i've had this poem swirly twirling in the back of my mind the last few months (watch below, it's beautiful).

"this is for the fat girls

this one is for the little brothers

this is for the school-yard wimps, and for the childhood bullies that tormented them...

shake the dust...
...do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you
that your heart beats 900 times a day
and that there are enough gallons of blood
to make you an ocean.
do not settle for letting these waves settle
and the dust to collect in your veins."

-anis mojgani

as it turns out, shaking the dust is no respecter of persons. it's for just about anybody, in just about any circumstance. but what does shaking the dust really mean? anis tells us. it's running head-on with widespread arms into the face of life; often it's allowing things to flow into our beautifully pumping heart (that at times beats more consciously, audibly, and visibly than others). sometimes it's dangerous. sometimes it presents itself as pain. or vulnerability, love, and courage all wrapped into one giant beautiful composition of bright colors and pounding drums. we've all been there.

but here's where it gets better. isaiah (52:2) taught me this today: that shaking the dust means freeing ourselves from enslavement and captivity, quite literally.

"shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem:

loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion."

Isaiah 52:2

i learned that when we shake the dust, that we are actually just taking our rightful place. that we are being freed from enslavement, and claiming what's ours. we are quite literally standing up, (harlem) shaking the dust, and moving to a new, better place waiting for us to merely ask for it. that we are in fact running with widespread arms. that we are "grabbing the world by its clothespins...walk[ing] into [the world], and breath[ing] it" in the best way we know how.

so what's enslaving us? what's keeping us from shaking the dust?? how much dust have we allowed to accumulate on our beautiful bodies? and why?? do we believe we are enough? do we believe in growth?

i know i've had to take some painful introspective glances. do my accomplishments belie whats actually happening in my life? is my path productive, and am i really taking charge in every way that i can? i'm not sure that i am. but that's what this is all about, right?

basically, i'm saying this to myself as much as i am to anyone reading this. shake the dust! become free from your chains. do something that makes you scared and uncomfortable. recognize those places where you could shake the dust out of your lives. get out, and greet the world with open arms, and run like the wind.

someone knew you'd be traveling that way...

here i am, back from blogging oblivion. i don't know how long this will last, and it may be a one-time random occurrence. who knows.

yesterday, i was desperately trying to describe how i am feeling right now in this moment of my life to my best friend. the only analogy i came up with was i felt like i was getting my eye exam done. you know how sometimes while they're flipping heaven-knows-what in that magical chair of theirs, you know without a doubt which prescription or which option will give you the most clarity?? they're like, this one or this one? and you know for SURE it's the first one that's better. but then other times, i sit there, and they have to do it a couple times for me, and i think--IS THIS  A TRICK QUESTION? i get all confused, and second-guess myself, and make a choice in haste because i feel like the answer should be obvious but it really isn't. they always give me the cop out by saying, "...or about the same?" i mean, what does that even mean?!?! if they're about the same, why are you giving me two options??? but then i still have no solid answer. and the worst part is this: that i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i wont be able to see for the next year or two until my next appointment!

or maybe i'm the only looney person who thinks that much about eye appointments. but i take everything i do mostly seriously, and it for reals gives me anxiety. that being said, i feel like right now that's where i'm at! i feel like so many things have been so incredibly clear to me: move to arizona, do the masters' program, live here, go to india, do this, do that. there are so many moments that have been crystal clear. mind you, some clarity has come just in the knick (i actually don't know which kind of nick should be put here so i'm putting both) of time--like moving to arizona in august of 2011 to start only a few days later. but still, they were at one point or another, absolute moments of vision and clarity. but then, it seems like lately, i'm at the end of my eye exam when it starts to get hard, and mucky, and it's all starting to look the same. i'm second-guessing my previous decisions (despite at one point knowing they were what i needed to do), and i'm certainly in the dark as to where i should go next.

well, all of this was swirling around in my head the last week or two, when yesterday, i was looking for some glitter pens (what, you don't use those anymore?! i sure do!). i found this gem hiding in my folder of papers, pictures, and magazine pages i've collected since i was about 12:

which seemed to be nothing but heaven-sent. and then, i decided to "randomly" read one of my top three favorite BYU speeches of all time by elder gong (go read it!!), because i hadn't read it for a while, and there was the clarity all over again, explaining the unexplained:

"Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Teaches President Boyd K. Packer:

Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew that you would be traveling that way. [“Spiritual Crocodiles,” Ensign, May 1976, 31]

On occasion, in unexpected places, I have been grateful—as you have been—to find such provisions."

there was my own personal provision that had been set in the most unexpected place and time waiting for me to discover it. it was the perfect "good game" pat on my butt to help me keep going, and even make decisions about my future.

basically what i'm trying to say is this: keep at it. don't get discouraged. as a matter of fact, have courage, and stand by 1) the feelings you've had (even if they don't make sense, or didn't play out the way you thought they would in your head), and the 2) direction you feel you've been given. because when you do, you'll all of a sudden find those provisions, those little bread crumbs saying you're doing just fine, and you'll have that vision you've been seeking become clear all over again.

alright, that's all folks. love you all.

xoxo, brookie

departures and insights

one of the smiles i will miss the most...

here i sit, half a world away from my dear india. to be honest, i never thought this day would happen and now that it's here, i wish it weren't.

on the flight home, i watched a film, the best exotic marigold hotel. it was beautiful, hilarious, and one of the more accurate descriptions of india i've found. my favorite quote from there was when one of the characters says:

"can there be anywhere else in the world that is such an assault on the senses? those who know the country well just go about their business. but nothing prepares the uninitiated for this riot of noise and color--for the heat, the motion. the perpetual teeming crowds...initially you're overwhelmed. but gradually you realize it's like a wave. resist and you'll be knocked over. dive into it, and you'll swim out on the other side."

now, i am utterly alone sitting in an insipid airport with one or two stragglers walking past me about every 20 minutes--if i'm lucky. the singular, banal noise is the elevator music softly buzzing, with no symbiosis of life, traffic, animals, gabbar singh streaming from three separate cell phones, and someone yelling "madame" to get my attention. all the passersby wear neutrals and minimal adornments, and i find myself absolutely bored and heartbroken. i keep thinking of all the people who made me promise i wouldn't forget them. and the people who said they'd sell everything they had to help us come back. the only thing that seems to assuage my unexplainable vulnerability and anxiety is the thought of going back to india soon, but even that is uncertain. in life i've learn to expect the unexpected.

...but i digress. i've already written a sappy love note to india. so instead, i'm going to make a running list of what the last week has taught me through my ridiculous bout with the indian government and trying to leave the country. maybe someday i'll have the courage to write a little about how india overall has changed me....but at this point, it's not likely.

so here, it is, ladies and gentlemen--what this last week (read: trying to escape india!) has taught me:

1. first and foremost, i've learned that i relate more easily to a couple in their sixties than most people my age. i could have stayed up all night talking to the sweet welfare missionaries about: GPS systems and geocaching, astrology and telescopes, genealogy, geeking out about tandem bikes, talking about camping and wilderness survival, and so many other way more interesting things. i have so much to learn from those with more experience and wisdom, including my wonderful parents. which leads me to....
2. my parents are beautiful, wonderful, wise, loving people who would do anything for me. what a blessing i have in my life, when i've seen and met those whose parents don't even want them. mine stayed up all night praying for me, no matter what time it was, and updating individuals at 4 in the morning who i'm sure really didn't care as much as they did. these guys can tell from my "hello" if i'm happy or on the verge of hysterics. which leads me to....(man i'm good at these transitions!)
3. i've learned that as much as i think i'm in control of my emotions, and i make the "sour face" until my face turns blue, i burst out crying at wildly inappropriate times, and i burst out laughing at equally inappropriate times. basically i'm 5 years old and 65 years old at the same time.
4. i've learned that there is power in voices. voices that are raised up to heaven in my (and others') behalf, voices that call and comfort me, voices who have a meaningful conversation with me, voices who obstreperously contacted the FRRO and west marredpally police incessantly, and voices who softly, kindly, and consistently told me it'd all be okay, that they love me, to please come back to india, and that, despite their beliefs, asked that "God be with me."
5. i've learned that we are always watched over, and that there is a plan for us. in the height of my troubles, there was a lot of sitting and waiting. i decided to start preparing for my talk i'll be giving at home about india, and read one thing that lead to another and another and another which eventually lead me to a page in the scriptures about courage. i couldn't help but feel all at once that i was not alone as i read a compilation of every scripture relating to courage:

be not afraid...God is with thee

be strong and of a good courage

be thou strong and very courageous

she was steadfastly minded to go

let no man's heart fail...thy servant will go and fight

be ye valiant

deal courageously and the Lord shall be with the good

he thanked God, and took courage

God hath not given us the spirit of fear

his heart began to take courage

never had i seen so great courage

courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory

i'm grateful beyond understanding for india, and hope to return there as soon as possible. here's hoping to jumping right back into "real life" here in the states, so i can quickly be cured of my broken-heartedness and perceivable boredom of the senses. 

one of the more popular sayings in india is:

"everything will be alright in the end.

and if it's not alright, it's not the end."

xo,

brookie

help and comfort

little munchkin cheering because he got a toilet--counting his many blessings...

well, for those who haven't heard, india couldn't get enough of me and isn't allowing me to leave! it's now saturday night, and i was supposed to leave on wednesday for a few days in dubai, and then back to the states to start off a new semester (a week late!).

when i arrived at the airport, i went to pull my passport out and it was nowhere to be found. i was a little confused, pulled everything out, and after searching for 2 hours, realized i wasn't going to be getting it back. after i sent my last two interns on their way, i was stuck at the airport with quite the unanswerable question of what to do. it was almost as if the huge cement structure which was meant to house millions in just a weeks' time was screaming out to me how alone i was and how little control i had over my life.

yet, today, three days after i was supposed to depart this beautiful place, i got yet another small push in the right direction, as i sat and played the piano in a church congregation. we were singing "count your blessings," a hymn which i'd heard a thousand times before, and one (to be completely honest) which never really tickled my fancy. i bucked up, pulled my shoulders back, started pounding out the notes, when we got to the last verse, and suddenly i froze as 30 individuals expectantly waited for me to play. there it was on a silver platter:

So amid the conflict whether great or small

Do not be discouraged; God is over all!

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

i realized that i had been given help, comfort, and blessings at every bend in the road, from:

1. the adorable, kind, handsome police officer that escorted me around the airport for 4.5 hours going from one place to another, calling the airlines, chewing out the help desk, watching my luggage, and telling me to stop crying and think calmly to figure out what i'm supposed to learn from this
2. to the cab driver who took us there (and to the airport many times before) who personally took me under his wing, escorted me, proposed to me (another story for another time-hilarous!), and made sure that i got home safely
3. to my parents who were so willing at my beckoning call to do anything i asked and never left my side
4. to the wonderful man in my church who came with me an entire day in the boiling hot sun to translate and commiserate with me as i'd start bawling because the police officers wouldn't give me an important document, or as the consulate wouldn't let me in
5. to the sweet elder and sister hatch who took me into their home and have cared for me, spent long days at the embassy with me, and have cared for me more than they'll ever know
6. to the wonderful ladies at the consulate who laughed and cried with me, and made sure i had an emergency passport done and ready in less than 5 hours (really quite the miracle!)
7. to the wonderful office manager at HELP International's HQ who made it her personal task to help me book a flight, negotiate prices, and figure out flight schedules/times when it's the end of the summer and she has a thousand and one other things to do
8. to so many many more things/people/circumstances/situations i can't even list even if i had the rest of the night to do so........

here's the thing. not everything's sorted out. as a matter of fact, it's not nearly close to being sorted out, but i can't help but keep my chin up and have my heart beat a little more steadily. there's no denying i've been taught patience in all things this summer, and most of all i've been reminded countless (pun intended) times that: God is over all.

love you, each of you.

xo