today's "class" was on relationships, mostly focusing on intimate ones. i soaked up every second of it because it's something i've been working on and gathering lately. gathering like people in the kalahari desert gather roots for water. i have seriously been thirsting after what i can do, who i can become, and how i can better my current relationships and ideals on love.
the format from what i learned from this lesson will be entirely scatter-brained so i will list the most excellent points, in no particular order. the first bullet will be the quote/note i took. the indented bullet beneath will be my very own thoughts. lucky you!
1. with regard to current relationships, if you want out of one, you associate pain with staying in it. if you want in, you associate pain with leaving. relationships are about emotional associations. we don't respond to life itself. we respond to what we associate with life (or the situation).
a. not much i can add to this
2. relationships should be about unlimited giving and sharing. the second you start measuring what you or they've done, it becomes a transaction.
a. this is something that i practice when dating (not in real relationships, however i haven't been in a "real" one for a long time.....but when dating, i tend to measure who invited who last. who texted last. who texted first. is it my "turn?" this for me has been hard to balance, because unfortunately we can't be too over-eager during the game phase, which stinks. i wish i could just spend time with them when i wanted to, text them if i felt like it without having to worry if i'm "being too much" or who did it last? this mentality has temporarily ruined me. because i've been in the game for so long, without this beautiful reminder, i may have gotten into a relationship and entirely forgotten that it's no about keeping tabs. it's about unlimited love, sharing, and giving.
3. no quote.
a. he had us write a list of what we are looking for (and identifying our "musts") and what we need to be to attract that. the funny thing is that i recently went through all almost-three-hundred of my posts and created a "tag cloud" on the side for your viewing pleasure and my own sanity. as i was going through each of my posts, i ran across some gems, and these two in particular that relate to my assignments. WARNING: I CREATED THESE YEARS AGO. a letter "to my perfect man" describing him, and a funny resumé of myself. interestingly enough, the letter to my perfect man is still my perfect man, but i have some different things added, and i'm not nearly as cheesy as i was before. the resumé of myself has changed a bit as my priorities, passions, ideas, and hobbies have changed. fun to see that about myself, and good to know my ideas about who i want to end up with haven't changed with where the wind has blown me.
b. my one beef with the list thing: people get too stuck on it. i completely agree with him when he says that to attract what you want, you have to know what you want and what you have to become. completely agree. however, when "musts" on the list are physical traits, or ridiculously specific (like "he has to have gone to at least 23 countries and one of them has to be kenya), that is immature in my opinion. thoughts?? i used to have physical traits on my list when i was 19, but i realized with time, that as long as i was attracted to someone (sure, i have a type, but some of my favorite people i've dated haven't met my "type" at all), physical stuff can grow...
4. make a list of your "magic moments" big and small. ask yourself, "what do i love about them?" then go over the magic moments with your companion.
a. i LOOOOVE this point! i used to do this all the time with the last guy i dated (again, i've forgotten about this because i've been so out of relationship-practice), and i promise you it works! magic moments can be big or small--from a fleeting smile or cute text, to big important celebrations and dates remembered.
all i can say is, this has been a wonderful reminder and refresher course. through my searching in finding and figuring out what love is,
i've learned this: love is a muscle, and a skill.
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| my sweet grandparents who have used the love muscle long enough...they're like love body-builders! viña del mar, chile |
if it is not exercised, it can quickly atrophy, and when used, seems to become the fountain of youth. you must practice and refine it, just as you must your body, playing the piano, or getting good at algebra, and when you do reach that point of being able to love and give freely (whether it is intimate or not), you will experience the "fountain of youth" effect. <--this was going to be a topic of one of my "love" blog posts, but i'll just leave it at that.
think about it.
4 comments:
I love being the first to comment.
I love the algebra comment, yet again.
I think these are really good points, and as I think about my successful relationships verses my more shallow ones, the successful ones meet these criteria.
You asked about my thoughts on creating a list for a potential mate. I think suggested traits are acceptable, but as far as hard and fast characteristics go, I only have three:
Do they have a strong testimony?
Do we have good chemistry?
Are we attracted to each other?
When these three semi ambiguous questions are in place everything else will work out, even if she is not a baseball fan, or worse yet, a Yankees fan.
As I woke up this morning "alone" I thought about the "magic moments" big and small in my life... So interesting that you wrote about th...is. I think no magic moment comes our way unless we are willing to "make it happen". Some people don't believe in magic, therefore nothing eventful happens in their lives. Others believe that magic is only if it is big, and so the "small magic moments" go without ever being recorded in our hearts or minds. This is another reason why some may say that nothing extraordinary has happened to them. Love is definitively a skill we all have to work at. It does not matter if you are in a relationship or not, if you have a companion or not. I believe that if you don't work at it, when the time comes you will not have a clue and the "magic moment" will simply slip away.
Oh, the transaction point is ever so true. It's easy to fall into that trap, I think especially when you are married:) It's easy to get caught up in the "business" aspect of it all--what needs to be done that day, where and when, etc. and things in the relationship can become part of a checklist, too. I'm so glad you did this workshop because I've definitely benefited from reading this, particularly the thoughts on pain and pleasure. It's given me a lot to think about. Love is a very interesting thing, but all I know for sure is that is in an action word and a choice. You have to choose it each day.
I love how much you love beautiful things--love, life and sincerely trying to be the best.
Beautiful, I always say a relationship isnt something you have to work for, its something you love for.
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